I will give you some tipps here that should make it a lot easier about how to do that.
I often have the impression recently that listening is a lost art now.
Is it really? What do you think? Just write a comment below if you like this article.
But on the other side we all know how it feels if there is something deep, engaging below the surface. And if you had that you will always remember it, no doubt.
Like your first kiss when you were really in love.
Maybe it’s not even a lost art. It is just hiding. Below the surface. Because we are too distracted by all the influences around us. To many things happen at the same time and we’re busy, so maybe we just don’t pay close attention to small subtle things anymore or don’t learn that anymore.
You know that feeling when the environment is only a blur around the two of you when you’re really engaged in this deep conversation. And no, I am not talking about a highly political, highly religious or philosophical talk. Not at all. That’s not a deep conversation. Not that angle I’d like to point out here.
I’m really burning for that topic and can talk about that for hours. So I even have used the topic about how a deeply emotional conversation works to establish a connection which I had even one experience were someone was telling me:
„Oh wow I feel really good now. I guess… that’s the Chemistry between us, right?“ and then this person blushed a little bit, because what was going on?
It makes me proud if I notice I can create that bubble that will make the world appear like for some moments only the two of us still exist. No matter what happens around us.
When you connect below the surface layer you’re about to build a real relation. No matter of the circumstances.
Sure, you might also have experienced creating a deep bond by having survived adventures with another person.
Here are some easy tips that you can apply immediately to increase your chances to make longterm impact on other people:
1. Eye contact
Really lock eye-contact, but with a relaxed look, important is not to try to change HOW you look at them. Change your being, how you feel inside. And then pay attention what happens to your eyes and your facial expression.
2. Don’t filter – be real
If you feel a smile or a laugh coming, let it out. Be non-filtering. Just real. Communicate that you are really listen to what they are telling.
3. Listen actively
Listen actively. Pay full attention. No distraction. Which is: Don’t look around. Don’t check your phone. Be laser focused here. Nothing else. Your attention is only directed to this person.
4. Don’t interrupt.
This is really one of the most important points in my opinion.
Don’t talk over them. And don’t stop them talking. Let them talk. This is especially important at the beginning of a communication with new people. Don’t distinguish that little flame.
Because many times you will even make the other person talk very soon and trying to engage in the conversation. But prevent them from really be able to do this, because you just talk and talk and don’t pay attention if they want to contribute to the conversation.
If you make them think because you asked something very interesting and there is a silence, DON’T interrupt that silence ever again. Make it not an awkward silence. Own that silence. Enjoy that you made your conversational partner think.
„Oh my God. The conversation is fizzling out.“
Don’t interrupt them. Let the other person keep talking, even if you want to stop them.
And if your conversational partner is already talking, don’t stop.
If you interrupt people too often, they will expect it and they may stop communicating. And maybe they don’t wanna talk to you ever again.
5. Keep it about them,
Keep it at a personal level. If you get to very intimate points about your conversation partner don’t be shy. It’s not bad. No. It’s good.
6. Don’t yawn.
But normally you wouldn’t have the urge to yawn. Because steering a talk to a deeper emotional conversation is always energizing and feels great. It should never be depleting because if so, you might be doing something wrong.
7. Be open.
Don’t reject what they offer and be open and show sincere genuine real interest.
Also one of the most important points here. For example if they like politics and live for it and you hate it, don’t just say:
„Oh my gost, I hate politics. I had some bad experiences, let’s talk about something else.“
Take what they offer and find out WHY they like it. You can still say you hate it and show you’re intrigued and asking about where their passion comes from to be so into that topic.
8. Summarize what you’ve heard
especially when you are about to change the topic.
You might say for example:
„I’d like to tell you something else. And before I change the topic Did I get that right, you were born in Wyoming and it was boring to live their until you tried to build your own company? I only met very few people in my life that are so creative.“
„Wow. Let’s talk more about that later. Because what I had in mind is…“
It shows that you really did listen.
9. Remember little details even
Me: „Hey, Martha, nice to see you again. How is Your brother, Alex?“
Her: „How do you know my brother’s name?!“
Me: „You know last time you told me your brother is always mistaken for being Russian because he has a name that is common in several countries, especially in Russia, too. So I assumed it could be Alex.“
Her: „Wow. It’s amazing how thoroughly you listened.“
People will tell you that you are a very good listener, conversation partner AND if you want: a good man, husband, boyfriend or friend.
10. Continue where you stopped
If you happen to meet someone again you had a good connection too, you don’t neccessarily want to start over to go deep again. You can assume AND know for sure that there is already depth in your friendship or relationship and just continue talking at that level.
People will respect that very much and you will stand out.