I don’t trust anyone – reconnect with yourself

1. You Lost Trust – Regain It

directory-466935_1280

Maybe you’ve experienced that you can’t trust anyone anymore. At least not now.
Why is that? Because you lost the connection to yourself. And if you don’t trust yourself anymore, how should you be possibly trust others?

Imagine the following example:

You moved from

New York to Berlin.

What could you experience? What might happen? What feelings might you experience?

I am sure a lot of things going on there.

Let’s see the environment first:

New York is in the US, Berlin in Germany. So you come to a different cultural background. It’s a different place in the world.
And nature is different too.

What’s happening in terms of your social circle?

You might leave your friends and family behind. Your workers and co-workers. Acquaintances.
But you’re also able to connect to others in the new town, new country.

a) Feelings

What feelings might you experience?

Maybe you’re excited. You don’t know how you get along with all the new stuff. Paper war, judgment of people, new situations, cultural misunderstandings, new rules, laws, government, customs.
Anger. Because you can’t manage everything first. It takes time.
Impatience. You want the obstacles to disappear more quickly.
Resistance. You don’t want the situation to be like that.
Insecurity. Gosh, can I deal with all that? Will I make it? How will everything be?
Excitement. It can also be exciting. There is this new start. New possibilities. New opportunities. New sights of life.
Refreshing.
And much more.

b) Motivation

What could be your motivation to do that?

This also can be derived from a wide field of possibilities.
Maybe you have to leave your country, because there is a war.
You want to restart.
You lost your jobs and economy is very bad so you’re forced to try something new in another country.

c) Character Traits

What type of person are you in terms of character traits?

You have to brave to do that.
You have to be open to doing that.
You have to grow to do that.

First it seems just to be a sentence: “I’ve moved from New York to Berlin.”

But now since we considered some things around you get a wider angled view.

And now, put yourself into this role. Just imagine YOU ARE JUST ABOUT TO MOVE TO BERLIN FROM NEW YORK.
And after that imagine you would already be there. You got now where it takes you?
So just apply it to yourself.
If possible try this with a friend.

That’s a part of what you can do to reconnect with yourself.

2. Get re-attached to your emotions

By letting go of them. Yes, that sounds very contradictory at first.
In order to reconnect with your emotions in the sense of how they should be, it is important to dissolve any resistance.
That means: Just allow the feelings without resistance. Do not stop them. Let them flow.

3. Re-connect with your inner child

kids-143022_1920

Give your inner child a hug.

1.  Visualize your best place ever to be 

Just let a place arise in your mind, where you feel safe and calm.

matte-painting-979804_1280
Note: If you think you have difficulties to visualize I’ll just want you to know: No sharp clear picture has to be in your mind. Even only the process of TRYING to visualize is sufficient.

Ask your mind to show your inner child and let it find that point in time where you might have lost your this child and it has been replaced by an adult.
It does not work? Then let it just bring up one of the last moments you can rememebr where you as a child were completely happy, carefree and passionate.

You will notice your subconsciousness will automatically come up with a time and an appearance.
Let that child play. Make some friends appear. Watch it a while.
For example, try doing something you loved to do in the past (e.g. playing peekabo, swinging on a set of swings, walking in the woods, playing with toy cars, doing handstands).
When you see the child is not carefree anymore step into your past movie and just give it a hug.
Tell it that it doesn’t have to be scared anymore because you’re there. And whatever it feels at the moment is ok.
There is nothing wrong about that.
Dive into the experience.

if you see yourself as a child getting confused because there happens something which it considers to be bad, take care and show that it is not alone.

2. Have more fun

skate-1093080_1920

And if you didn’t have fun really anymore start having fun again first!
I just noticed for example I didn’t listen to music anymore since I moved into another country.
When I put on my headphones and just cracked into a tune I love it was an instant pure bliss.
Do something you didn’t do for a long time. Especially if is something you’d love to do, but society dooms it because you’re not supposed to do it as an adult.
Who told us that we can’t have as much fun anymore later in our life just beecause we’re grown-ups?
Don’t become one of those people that have that empty eyes because they lost all their fun and connection.
Who says you can’t have fun standing in a queue? Especially at the doctor’s office or in a bank.

Why you become disattached of your inner child and lost that glare in your eyes?
From that vulnerable, passionate carefree side of yourself?

How did the persons – hopefully your real lovable mom and dad treat you as a child?

Did they nurture your all your needs?

Or did you experience some bad stuff and you’re not really over it?
You still got some repressed or suppressed feelings stuck in you?

Do you still cling to behavioral patterns, thoughts, feelings and beliefs that show
How do your thoughts, feelings, behaviors and beliefs reflect what you experienced as a child?

Find out your core beliefs to see where you are now and get back. Close that gap that occurred.
To find out your core beliefs you might ask:

And now crush it and live life to the fullest

5 Reasons why a conversation with you sucks

You might have noticed this:
When you talk to people they seem to blurt out random stuff that is related to them.
And it sucks if people do that constantly. There is no flow. It repels you. You hate the conversation and if it gets too much: You just leave it!

People listen through a filter in a sense of:

“How does this affect me?”

Ok. Let’s see that from your perspective.

I already talked about this here, too:

Pitfalls – Man to woman, how can I improve my conversational skills?

1.) It sucks because you kill the flow

If someone tells you a story suddenly a thought might pop up in your mind and you think:

“I am gonna say that now.”

And the other person keeps on talking you think:

“Now I could say this!”

And no! You don’t get your chance. What happens? You don’t really listen anymore.
When do I get my chance to do my opinion on this? You want to tell them. You are in your head. You are no more present. You might even make the impression to be interested. But you are not. Not anymore.

“But gosh! The other person is talking and talking and talking. Does this person ever stop?
Hello! For god’s sake! I got a thought in my mind.
Now there! Oh my god! Another point. And…”

2.) You don’t like it because it’s not about you

It’s all about me, me, me! if you don’t even know it you want to express yourself. It’s about you. You refer the topics to you.

“I was thinking this conversation is about me.”
“Why is everyone thinking this conversation is about them?”

3.) You don’t think about how it affects the other person

Think always about:

“How does this affect the other person?”

Be aware of this.

4.) You are always waiting for your turn to talk

Not only all the points from before apply. No! When do you finally get your chance to talk about what interests you? You want to say so much! Is it related to the topic before? Not necessarily. Does it interest the other person?

“Why? Is that even important? I want to talk now! It’s my turn!”

This is like coming from a competitive frame. One person wants to be heard. Then you are the second one that wants to be heard.

5.) It sucks because you are filtering

What most people do:
Because it feels good to give their own opinions.
Waiting for their turn of talk

When do I get my chance to give my opinion on this.

Part sociopath.
Part psychopath.

You have to know all of it.

How you’re emotions are affecting them.

And last but not least:

To make a connection with people, offer them something about what they want.

10 Reasons Why It Rocks To Have a Deep Emotional Connection

fire-bowl-1397864_1920

I promise you already now you will also love the last point.

1 Your partner has never experienced it.

When you have a really Deep Emotional Connection with your partner you will both enjoy it.
It’s like it’s raining after a long dry time in the desert.
We all crave for a deep connection with an intimate partner.
And almost never experience it. So you’re sharing this invaluable gift with your beloved one.

2 Couples cannot maintain this emotional intimacy

Think back to a time where you might have had your first kiss with your partner or you fell in love. And you felt very emotionally intimate with her or him. And you know whatever you talk about it will be correct and doesn’t throw you out of the relation. You can talk about everything. Without being judged.
So it rocks if you have that deep connection because you know you are in for it for a long time.
Without being afraid that it just suddenly disappears. It’s kinda glue for a longterm relationship.

3 We open up when we feel safe

In an emotional environment of safety, we are encouraged to take risks.
And we won’t take another person’s bad day as offensive and instead provide understanding and strength. Never from a place of neediness. Only from a place of loving.
If we are together with someone who is accepting, caring and compassionate.

4 It builds Trust

A deep emotional connection builds loads of trust. If we dive deep into another person’s value system, beliefs and fears, we get to know the persons like only her/his family and best friends knows them. And this person puts us on the same level of trust. You will often hear such sayings then as:

“I feel like I have known you for years. This is amazing.”

girl-918666_1920

5 Connect with ourselves

We can learn and apply this connection to ourselves to experience more what’s in us. What holds us back. What motivates us and what we feel.

6 Looking behind that mask

We can experience our partner for real. Without wearing a mask. Some things you’d never like to admit in front of others. Maybe sometimes even not to your closest friends. But your partner.

7 You can’t deny that kind of attraction

Emotional attraction is more long term than just physical attraction.
Have you ever tried to connect to a person on a deeper level?
It might be amazing what happens then.
If you got more distant after time with your so-called beloved one, this might have been the thing lacking: A deep emotional connection.

8 You stand out

Ask people around you, men, women, couples how many did really experience an intimate deep emotional connection with their partner at least once in their life?
Yes, it’s a shocking truth: Many will say they have never had it yet.
Or they might say:

“I guess it doesn’t even exist.”

But if you have it, positive people around you will say:

“Oh my gosh. Look at them. They are so sweet, I wished I had that too.”

9 We experience Motivations, Emotions, Character Traits

You will notice, too that we talk about what makes our partner want to do some things and why. We not only experience the how anymore also the deep WHYs.

10 We awaken interest in our partner

If there is a disturbance in the force these things causing this can be the very things that hold us down.
If we instead awaken interest in our partner he will start to ask things about us. To find out more about you too. If you start the connection first and do it right your partner WANTS to CONNECT BACK. ALWAYS. Your partner will make the effort to understand and invest time, emotions and even money into being with you.

And another one:

In the case of you being a guy and your partner is a woman, it will be much easier for her to orgasm.
She can relax much more into being intimate because she knows you want really her. Emotionally and physically. Not only physically. Being totally in the moment. She won’t have to think about any insecurities. She might even offer sex herself if she feels that deep emotional connection.
And she will be really committed to the relationship. And therefore no void needs to be filled.

Empathy – Understanding – Empathetic Listening

girl-1293985_960_720

What is Empathy?

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
 — Stephen Covey

We all heard Steven Covey’s quote about the 5th habit:

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

One of the best definitions of “Empathetic Listening” is of Covey himself:

It’s not about listening until you understood everything.
It’s about listening until the other person feels understood.

In the context of this site, it is the ability and willingness to understand

  • thoughts
  • emotions
  • motives
  • character traits of another person
    And beyond. Because it’s also important to show that you understand the other person’s situation, and you can put yourself in their shoes.

At least 5 things you should consider for a better listening experience and therefore a much better talk:

Pay attention to these 5 points when being in a conversation:

  1. Direct your whole focus to the other person and remove every distraction possible. No phone, email, or others.
  2. Communicate with your voice and or your body that you are listening.
    Let your conversation partner know that you are listening.
    Pay attention to your body language and your posture.
  3. Repeat in your own words what is being said.
  4. Create space for absolute silence.
  5. Give constructive feedback and encourage the other person to tell more.

Can every one of us learn this:  Empathetic Listening?
Sure everyone can attain and already has a certain level of empathy.
They are very different between different humans.

There are different levels.

Listening

  1. Ignoring:
    I don’t even try to listen.
  2. Pretending:
    I seem to be interested but I am not. I am thinking about something else.
  3. Selective Listening:
    I just listen if there is an interesting part. 

    This is very comparable like we listen to small children.
  4. Really paying attention:
    I really hear the words. And the meaning that may have.
  5. Basic Empathetic Listening: I
    I really listen with the intent to be understood. I am open. Focused. I get the hang of what is being said and am not blind about getting a feeling of the other person’s value system and beliefs. And what might be going on in this person?
    Therefore, I got a much deeper understanding during and about the communication.
  6. I consider everything being said in 5) and come from that mindset. Including the 5 requests, I described above at the very beginning.
    And I indicate that I have a feeling for the person’s momentarily situation as well.
    This is listening not only with your mind or brain, but also with your ears, eyes, and heart.

And there is at least one further level I can establish. And I will explain this in another article. Sometimes you could do everything right for creating a deep connection, but without empathy, you’re on the road to failure.

But why?

I remember a young woman running around confused in front of a club. She was obviously very excited and angry.
Now I just could have said:

“Hello”

or whatever I might have first said to say hi.
And then just get into a full-blown conversation.

woman-1293658_1920

Since she is so excited I noticed that she didn’t perceive my first words.
Well instead I say:

“Hi, are you okay?”

She shakes her head and I see she’s got quite a wound at her chin.
A little blood is dripping off of it.
I decide to take care first.
I am searching for some tissues. When I found one I’d like to wipe the blood off,
but before I touch her I say:

“Wait, let me get that off. I am careful, ok? Because I am sure it could hurt a little.”

Does this have to do with a deep connection like I am explaining here on this site? No, not now.
But about empathy for her situation. Because she doesn’t feel good.

When is empathy important?
Before I build a deep connection?
After I built a connection?
Or during the talk?

Before, during, AND after. Empathy is always important. You should gain such a deep understanding
so you don’t even have to think about it anymore.
If we establish that people will communicate openly and honestly.

What can I do to become more empathetic?
What effects does it have?

  1. It builds trust and respect.
  2. It enables the conversational partners to communicate emotionally.
    It can help to release emotions.
  3. It reduces tension.
  4. It gets more profound information to surface.
  5. It’s collaborative, not competitive. So a feeling of togetherness grows.

How do I learn Empathy?

Generally, it means to establish a razor-sharp perception of the other person, if you’d like to be empathetic.
It should be like you’re the other person.

You feel what the other person feels.
You see what the other person is seeing.
You hear what the other person is hearing.

With your eyes, ears, heart, and your mind. And many feelings and empathy for the situation, the values, and the beliefs of the other person.

Yes, the impact of empathy reaches out far beyond a deep connection.
And no, I won’t tell you here about how many percent of importance has body language, tonality, and so on, there are enough examples online.

Wikipedia defines empathy likes this:

Empathy refers to the ability and willingness taught to recognize and understand the emotions, motives, and personality traits of another person.

Empathy also includes the response to the feelings of others, such as compassion, sadness, pain, or auxiliary pulse [1] the basis of empathy is self-perception; the more open you are to your own emotions, the better you can derive the feelings of the other person. [2] empathy plays a role in many sciences and applications a fundamental role of criminology [3] on the political science, psychotherapy, psychology, physiology, physiotherapy, education, philosophy, linguistics, medicine, and psychiatry to the management or marketing.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empathy

Well, how do I get there?

  1. Start practicing listening. Listening doesn’t mean – like described above – just wait for every opportunity to blurt out your thoughts.
    But paraphrase. It means repeat with your own words what your conversation partner tells you about.
    First to make it easier you can also you the words of the person you’re talking to.
  2. Later you can try to recognize and derive the feeling of the other person. As well as what he/she might feel about what you just told.
    Sometimes include a little summary about what was being said.
  3. Also include the feelings you believe to perceive.

This creates space for your conversation partner to communicate as exactly as possible.
THAT is one of the most important things in relationships.

What we will often do is judging the words of the other person. That’s NOT about the topic of Empathy. Leave it out, ok? Hold up, if you’re just about to judge the other person.

  • We all have included these preprogrammed answers in us, buried, so deeply we’re not even conscious about them.
  • And mostly we have only developed the ability to understand what is being said a little.
  • Often we give the other person advice based on our own experiences.
  • Most of the time we stay in our reality. We put questions based on us. Not based on the other person.
  • And we try to derive their motives and behavior based on our motives and our behavior.

We all feel the hunger to blurt out our own thoughts in a talk like people in other countries might miss food. But only because so many do it, it definitely hasn’t to be right.
Logical language differs very much from emotional language. And because also our perceptions are different we need feedback from the surrounding others.
Time we invest in being empathetic multiplies in any kind of relationship we might experience. Always.

Here a video with a very good explanation about what empathy is as well:

We’re allowed to ask, so just ask if you want to make sure you understand correctly. If we want to learn it, we have to ask, right?

Just try to apply this knowledge and if you still got some questions, just shoot me a text or write your questions and insights in the comment field below.

Quick Tipps to build more Trust

What can you do to build more trust even if you’re not good at building an emotional connection?

Say the person’s name sometime to build more trust

Don’t overdo it and don’t let it out. Try to find the right balance.
To calibrate this more socially:
If you’re not sure when just do it when you would write a question mark or an explanation mark in your sentence.

Don’t judge the person you’re talking to.

Especially if the person is talking about a belief:

Jon Doe: “You know when I am searching a partner for a relationship, it never worked out, but if I stop searching it might happen. So I learned not to search anymore.”
Don’t just tell: “Think positive, Jon Doe.”

Ask how he comes to this conclusion or tell him HOW you can relate to this.

Penetrate the other person’s reality.

Don’t only stay in your reality.
If the person you talk to happens to be from Italy, ask him or her for example:

“What are the 3 most important things you like about Italy?”

or

“What are the 3 most important things you like about and I should see or experience when I visit Italy?”

Don’t suffocate that little flame.

If you notice the person is just opening up talking, don’t interrupt.
Give the conversation and so the other person room to talk more to you.

Give space. This means take everything in the other person is giving off. Don’t reject anything.
Otherwise you might create distance and no connection.

Review – Participant B. K.

…I liked it, I already did it one year ago: Motivation, Emotion, Character traits, to repeat it and using the examples it improved…

…you will change your whole being, how can I be actively changing, to improve further, on one side it is building subtle questions, and practicing everything…

Thank you very much!

(P.S. the audio is still only in German here)

Pitfalls – Man to woman

This is a summarization of how to improve your conversational skills.
This will help you to avoid the most common pitfalls.

Deep Conversation

1. The Wrong Mindset – pushing her to do something

 This is not about pushing her over until she gives in. Not at all. Don’t do this. Please!

You want to get to know her on a really intimate level.
And showing real genuine interest. Don’t fake it. Please be honest. Don’t act.

2. It feels strange and this is why…

 …you don’t want to make such strange statements with this strange content. And you don’t want to ask her those strange questions. And to challenge her, like this, dude, come on!

Finally, this is not a duel, right? It’s right, it’s not a duel. But the rest: Not right.
You will notice this art of communication might make you feel always strange.

But only

  • a little bit strange
  • even more strange
  • or very strange

It’s normal for us as a man. We’re always leaving our comfort zone doing this.

[Tweet “Don’t make these mistakes. Avoid these common pitfalls.”]

3. Uncalibrated rushing

If she asks you some things or says something like:

“Are you drunk?
“Well, good job Sherlock” (dripping irony)
“You’re into psychology?

This is a sign that you try to rush things. Even if you’re not used to it.
You CAN definitely go fast. But it needs a lot of calibration. Don’t overdo it.
Slow down and explain, why you’re going so fast.

4. Intimacy

You think it’s too intimate. This is why you don’t give yourself permission to talk that way.
And you think as well you shouldn’t talk with women like this.
Ok, sure it’s your decision. If you DON’T want to do exactly that, stop reading here and do the things that are more important right now. Because everyone has different priorities.
Then this topic is not meant for you, at least not at the moment. You might come back another time. And are always welcome.
You want to get to know this woman very intimately. That’s what this is all about.
How you get there, is the topic of this Blog.
You want to experience her believes, what she believes and why, her values, simply her whole reality.
You want to experience who she is. Entirely. Not only surface.

5. Friendzone

You are scared to be stuck in the friend zone if you talk this way. You think you’d become her emotional tampon. But when are you REALLY the emotional tampon?
If you got a male or female friend, that only call you if they got some problems?
And if everything’s ok with them you don’t even exist? They always throw up and only talk to you if they have no one who listens to them and if not, doesn’t matter in their eyes.
Then that’s pretty much it.
But if a woman is talking about her beliefs because you’re on the road to a deeper emotional connection, it has nothing to do with the friend zone.

6. Vague Statements – Another Pitfall

Maybe you say something like:

“You are a happy person.”

or

“You’re funny.”
“You’re hilarious.”
“You’re spontaneous.”
“I think you’re athletic.”

That is a statement, it might even be completely accurate.

You just say this not adding anything more, then it’s just a very short sentence. Done.
It’s not relatable, why do you come to this conclusion?
What’s your statement based on?
The content is very vague.

“You seem to be a happy person. No matter when I see you, you always got a smile on your lips. And – even more important – your smile is real. I think I know no one else smiling so much.”
Now you made it relatable and it creates a totally different impact. Good!

7. Snatching the Theme

She is talking about what she loves most and you could see the passion in your eyes, but yeah…

“Yeah my buddy did that too, but now he hates it. Disgusting. Are you into origami by any chance?”

This will hurt her emotionally a little bit. She will sense something wrong. She won’t tell you, you will notice that the talk will float back to the surface.
I will explain that later in another article in this blog because this is unbelievably important.
She doesn’t know your buddy. It’s not relatable. You don’t establish commonalities like this.
It doesn’t matter if your buddy tried it too. Stick to the topic. Ask her more about it.
If it’s her greatest passion, don’t reject what she has to offer.
Find out why she likes it so much. And how she got into it.

8. Superficial Connection

If you’re a people pleaser and think you can establish a deep emotional connection by finding superficial commonalities, please get rid of them. Totally wrong.
It CAN happen. And it’s rare.

“Hey, which music do you like?”
“Rock!”
“Cool, me too.”
“And what’s your favorite movie?”
“Matrix, but only part 1, the other ones of the trilogy I don’t like.”
“Cool, awesome. Unbelievable. Me too!!!”
“And who’s your favorite actor or actress?”
“Selma Hayek”
“Cool, I love her too.”

Cool, cool cool. Yeah. You like it all. Very boring. She will forget it soon.
There’s no special moment, no chemistry at all.

9. Rejection

“I love dancing. Do you know the movie Step Up? I love this style. I am doing this for ten years now!”
“I hate ballet. Do you play golf?”

Gosh. How can you obviously cluelessly reject what she offers to you like this?

Come on. Imagine you’re talking about your greatest passion and I cut the thread of like that?
Would you even engage in the conversation anymore?
Unbelievably wrong! Don’t do this!
You reject what she loves most. If she does it for ten years now, there are reasons why shy is still doing it and did it already for such a long time.
You don’t have to have something in common with her.
You still can engage in the conversation and ask her about her passion.
Find out why she’s doing out.

10. Judging her believes

First the whole text, completely, no interruption:

“I’d like to tell you something. But I don’t know if you will still like me. Because it sounds a little bit strange. And all my female friends now think I am stupid and don’t talk to me anymore.”

“Hey, I’m curious to hear your story. And I guess, maybe I can tell you something similar, but there’s no reason why I shouldn’t like you anymore. I won’t judge you. I guess I know how you feel.”

“I sometimes have this thing, these visions, you know. And I told my friends about it. And I don’t have those visions where I see glimpses of the future that only last seconds. No. I can clearly see what will happen in the next few hours.”

“Stephany”, I look deeply into her eyes. “I can’t see any reason not believing you. I remember a story where something similar happened. I can’t see into the future as you, but I will tell you the story if you want to hear it.”

“Yes, please. Tell me.”

“Ok, you remember I was once working in a hospital for a little bit more than a year. I was about 20.
In a little hospital in a suburban area. Beautiful landscape. Very natural.
And I wanted to meet my buddy. We were always going for a walk with his two female shepherds. Bessie and Tina. Wonderful dogs. Best has the normal fur and Tina is completely black.
Bessie was still young and loved to play a lot. I remember that one time Raphael held his arms up and called her to come. From about 100 meters away. And some meters before him she made big jumps and pushed him over with her forepaws. Very powerful. This shouldn’t be so easy because he’s more than 6,6 tall. Ok on with the story.
I knew I had to work the next day, we said we wanted to meet Saturday because I had to do the morning shift on Saturday. I would say everything was normal. Almost like every day.
So I went to work. And then I should take the instruments down to the sterilization room. Do you know what that means? Ok good. Normally I always walked the same path downward from station 8 where I was working. But this time I didn’t think about it and suddenly noticed I was walking the other side down. Both ways are completely distancially equal. Doesn’t matter if I go down the stairs on the right or on the left. And normally I walked always the same way. Because I am used to it. But not this time.”I want to work directed to the sterilization room. Suddenly it’s like someone is talking to me.
You know, like you have some thoughts sometimes. The self-talk you might be doing silently.
But at this moment I didn’t catch myself thinking. It’s really like someone else was talking.
And then I had this thought: ‘he’s here. My bud is in the hospital here.’
I just thought: ‘Now you’re getting crazy, time to go home soon and sleep a little bit. It was an exhausting day.

When I was home I was waiting for his call.
Nothing.
It was a long time ago so it wasn’t normal to have a mobile phone yet.
My parents told me to avoid calling anyone if not really necessary. And there was no flat rate yet for phoning anyone either. “
He didn’t call.

Saturday: Nothing.
Sunday: Nothing.
Monday, same story.
Tuesday he finally called.

We greeted each other like every time:

“Hey, you idiot. What happened? Why you didn’t call me?”
“Hey, you ass, I couldn’t come!”

Something my mother will never understand, why we greeted each other like this.

Why not?”
“My brother.”
“What happened to your brother?”
“A dog ripped his finger off and then I fainted.”
“What the… How did that happen?”
“I was at the dog school together with my brother and one dog was very aggressive. And then it happened.”
“Oh my God. I hope you are good, though?”
“Yeah, I am okay. Yeah. I was in the hospital.”
“What the heck, how many days?”
“Until yesterday.”
“Come on. Not really. Where am I working recently?
“Yes, Spaichingen. But another station.” (that’s the town’s name)
“Which room number?”
“137”
Then I noticed some goose pimples rising on my skin.
“And now Stephany, imagine, it was exactly the room where I walked by that moment.”
Only now I am noticing she’s looking at me with big eyes.
Can you wait for me, I just want to tell my friend, I need my handbag.
I want to share more time with you.
Let’s look at the different parts here. What happens?

“I’d like to tell you something. But I don’t know if you will still like me. Because it sounds a little bit strange. And all my female friends now think I am stupid and don’t talk to me anymore.”

We reached a point where she wants to share something really private.

And she also tells me:

“But I don’t know if you will still like me.”

She fears you won’t like her anymore when she tells you about that. Because her friends now think she’s crazy.

“Can you wait for me, I just want to tell my friend, I need my handbag.”

“I want to share more time with you.”
She invests emotions and time into you.

She notices you understand her and this part of her reality and she feels understood and is not being judged. And you don’t laugh at her or make fun of her. Because she tells you something about a belief:

“If I tell someone about my visions they might think I am crazy and don’t want to talk to me anymore.”

She is scared to lose you again and she’s also scared of you may be thinking that she’s stupid or crazy, too.
Not everyone thinks like her and can’t relate to this. Explained from another perspective, hers, she tells herself that it is strange and not so easy to understand. Not for everyone.
Many of us will feel the urge to tell her to think positively now.

“Think positive. Don’t be so negative.

“I guess they still like you, they were just scared for a moment. And if you think positively you will see all will work out in your favor. And I believe in your visions. I am sure you can convince them.”

Sounds like this is a good idea, right? Because you make a suggestion to be positive again.
But only if you make a suggestion about not being so negative anymore she can’t just change her belief.
Clear now?
No?

Then let’s try to explain the same thing from your point of view.

For example, maybe you’re not a good drawer. You are not very good at visualizing things and draw something out of your mind. It doesn’t work.

It might also be:

Calculate numbers in your head, remember faces or names. No matter how often you try. You tried for years even. It might improve a little bit. But it seems you can’t really change it.
You don’t BELIEVE it will work for you.
And then I come up talking to you:
You tell me suddenly about it, that it doesn’t work for you.
And let’s assume I would say:

“Think positive, don’t be so negative, sure you can do it. Try harder. You will find a way.”

You might think:

“Oh my gosh. Did he even listen? Did he even understand WHY I can’t do this? I tried this so many times. So many months. Doesn’t he want to understand?”

And it feels disrespectful.
It feels as well as I don’t accept you.
And a part of you feels rejected.
And if it happens again you will be much more careful if you still tell me about your beliefs.
If I fail again talking to you about this you might not want to talk any more about those. You tried everything. It’s your reality. You can’t make it work. No matter if I tell you to think positive or not at that very moment. Because your negative belief has grown and strengthened itself by your experiences.

And for you, it’s like I telling you: “Come on change your reality. You can do it. How? Damn!”

This can be the cause of:

  • a discussion
  • an argument
  • going back surface
  • conversation dies down
  • sentences like: “No, you don’t understand”

If I notice someone is rejecting my beliefs, no matter if he doesn’t know or not, then I don’t like to talk about this anymore. Because like everyone I am very careful about that.
Because this person rejects a part of my personality. This person is judging me.
I keep them private.
Because: This person doesn’t make the effort to understand me and my beliefs.
It might happen once in a conversation though to many people.
But if it happens more than one time during one conversation I assume that this person doesn’t have any idea what’s going wrong.
Here things will come to the surface that show how we work. What’s deep inside us. Things that are buried deeply. We open up in a certain way.

This is why it is so important to be careful and show a lot of empathy doing this.
Don’t use the sledgehammer. Of course not. It’s about relating and putting yourself into the other person’s shoes.

It’s about shifting the focus to direct it to the other person. Always steering deeper using nuances.

11. Wrong Mentality – Perception

One time I heard two guys talking I had known for a while. About two blonde girls that they just had approached. And they were talking loudly.

“How was your talk with her?” said one of those.
“Stupid. Blonde bimbo. Like almost always. and for you?”
“Not my type either.”

I just wanted to walk on where I suddenly by coincidence heard the girls talking to about those same guys.

“Hey, Mel. Why did you act like you were this dumb girl when that guy approached you?
Sometimes it’s almost embarrassing.”
“Sarah, I don’t really know. But I think it’s to protect myself.”
“They never could have had an idea you got a Ph.D.
“Yeah you know Mel, it’s when I give in to that conversation, and maybe we would start dating, then he could really hurt me. But now I know he didn’t even make a real impact to get to know me. So he could only hurt that dumb blonde girl. And not really me. It doesn’t really matter now.”

Here you see that the first impression might be completely wrong.
Especially if you don’t make the effort to get a closer look.
One of those two girls was even aware she’s not showing her real personality at first.
And she’s being judged by superficialities:

“Dumb blonde bimbo.”

What I heard draws a completely different picture.
If I would be convinced that women are always lying I will find proofs that hold up that belief and make it stronger. If I turn it completely around: Women are always telling the truth and I am convinced, I will always find proofs that strengthen this belief as well.

My advice is:

Keep your mind open. Get rid of all the judgment. More and more. Gradually. Distinguish it.
See the world through your own eyes and build your own opinion. As far as possible.
Don’t just add the opinions of others to your reality without thoroughly verifying them.

12. Feigning Interest

Don’t fake interest. It might work to a certain degree. Sometimes even further than you think. But real genuine interest always has a lot more impact. Just give it a try.

If you don’t do this your talks always might have a somewhat bitter aftertaste. No chemistry is build up. Pay attention to this. It’s a very honest connection. If you’re still faking you will be searching for what to say or what questions you could ask and might be running out of things to say.

The right mindset:

Imagine the woman is wearing a mask.
This is natural. She doesn’t wear it on purpose.
And you make an effort to see who’s hiding behind that mask, the real person. And her real personality.
The woman can see if your interest is real, genuine.
Another analogy I came up with when I talked with a friend about this:
Imagine she’s a gift. Imagine you want to get to know her. It’s like Christmas or your birthday.

Do you know the feeling when you hold the long-awaited present in your hands and you want to unwrap it? And you celebrate unpacking? You love that. You don’t rush. More and more you see what’s in there. You enjoy getting to know the woman and her personality.
To get rid of her facade, seeing behind that mask.

You could also say to get to know a woman is like you see a book or a DVD. You want it. You like its cover. That’s also the first thing you perceive. It’s only surface, surface, surface, surface. Only the looks. What are you really interested in is the story of the book or the movie. And if not: It should! Besides charisma.

With all emotional drama involved.
You don’t want to fast forward and only watch the last five minutes or read the last chapter. No.
But why we do it with women then?
You want to have the whole story.

13. Repeating everything she says

„I was in Australia last year.“
Really, You’ve been to Australia?“
„Yeah, I always wanted to see Ayers Rock.“
„Wow, You saw Ayers Rock? Is it really so read?“
„Yes, erm… I need something to drink. It was nice to meet you.”

If she’s into parrots she might buy one.
I guess you need no explanation here, do you?

14. Wrong energy or velocity

Could you imagine having a very private deep talk to a woman and you’re talking rapidly and very loudly all the time? For sure not. It’s not the right context.
Romances always have an aspect of slowing down things. You talk quietly. Calm. Slowly.

15. Emotional Dead End

If you notice she’s giving something very private, give something back. You might be aware that only her parents or her best friends know that. Or no one knows. Maybe only you now. I know you’ll like that because you wanted to talk so much about yourself anyway. Now you can! Do it. Remember to not use an emotional voice. Talk emotionally distant. Not like it really affects you, so she knows you’re already over it. You don’t want her pity.

Give something back. This can be your opinion. A story. A very private or intimate one.
Look at the example of Stephanie above. To get a more precise idea.

“I’d like to tell you something. But I don’t know if you will still like me. Because it sounds a little bit strange. And all my female friends now think I am stupid and don’t talk to me anymore.”

I encourage her to tell and she tells the story. I say again that I don’t judge and I tell her one of my stories that are equally intimate. I give something back. Now I am making myself vulnerable too because she could judge me for that as well. But I know it won’t happen.

She understands the subcontext. Because it’s relatable now.

16. Wrong Tonality  – Story Telling

Imagine you’re talking about your time in high school may be or about problems in your parent’s house and you tell her about that.
Normally it’s good to tell a story with a lot of emotion, tonality, rich descriptions, more colorful, louder, more details. But not here. Not this very moment.

“Yes, my parents often made fun of me and said: Our Erwin has two left hands. He’s so stupid. He’ll never learn to play the piano properly.”

You might think and want to tell: “I found that awful and it hurt me a lot.” in a whiny tone, maybe sobbing, seeking approval.
Then she might think you are not over it.

“But now we sit here and you’ve even watched my concert. Thanks for that.”

Not emotionally involved then she knows you got it. You’re over it. This story is just part of your life, your past. It’s almost like it’s been in another life. Because you didn’t create an identity of that. No ego.
If you would tell it with a whiny tone or exaggerate it in any other way negatively emotionally you will repel her. Why?
Why? Because they then indeed compassion will have with you – for a moment – then they will probably search a way to get away fast. It communicates you are not over it, you’re still a little guy and not a man. She doesn’t want to be a mother for you. She’s searching for a real man.

Again: If you can just say it normally then this is a very good sign that you’ve grown, sure it happened, but it doesn’t affect you anymore. You can tell the story effortlessly.
If you still would, you wouldn’t be perceived as you learned out of that story.

17. Interrupting her thoughts

If you made her think, and suddenly there is a long silence, don’t interrupt her thoughts.
Enjoy that you made her think. Even if she’s still quiet. Lean back. Relax. It’s a good thing.
Maybe you even see how she’s thinking. And she’s trying to say something.
Still silence. Nothing. No sound.

You think: “Oh my god, the conversation died.”

No! It didn’t.

You think: “I have to say something!”

No. She has to think. Maybe she never had to answer this question before. She has to think about how to explain or how to say.
This is way better than all the others just asking:

“Where are you from?”
“How old are you?”
“What are you doing?”
“What profession?”

and she shoots answers at them or just bored tells about her work or her hobbies because she thinks now she has to explain all the little details for people that don’t know.
Lean back, stay relax and enjoy yourself you made her think.
From another point of view:

Yes, silence might create tension. But you can choose how the tension affects you.
Either you perceive it as being scary. Then you will try to rush things.
Or you can just own the silence and enjoy it.
It’s perfect. Let her think. No matter if she needs ten seconds or ten minutes.

18. Superficial Commonalities

You think you must have superficial commonalities! No, you don’t have to at all.
If she’s dancing, you don’t have to dance to be able to connect on a deeper level.
Yes, you read it again: It’s all about showing real genuine interest.
Show interest in what she’s doing while talking or in general.

“What I really do is dancing ballet.”
“Cool, you must be very flexible.”

or

“Cool, I watched Swansea.”

It’s her passion for over ten years and that’s all you can come up with? She doesn’t have to do it.
But she’s disciplined about it and has developed a great routine.
This is another way of rejecting what she offers to you.
This will also let the conversation die down, it’s like the desert dries and no water is left anymore.

19. Connecting incorrectly

Some little things that can make a big difference as well:

Instead of asking:

“Where are you from?“

You could also say:

“Are you French?“

Instead of asking:

“What are you doing that very second?“

You might ask as well:

“Let me guess, You wait for Robert your secret admirer. You met him on tinder, and he wants to meet you. That’s good because your feet hurt from shopping and you need a coffee, this would be perfect. And you’re wearing very red shiny shoes and he’s wearing a blue t-shirt. Anyway, I guess he won’t come. Because of some Aliens…“

This could be a very funny interpretation to make her laugh. So you got more to connect from because it’s very like she contributes to the talk now. And from there you can go deeper again.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s nothing wrong with asking about:

“Where are you from?”
“What are you doing?”

sometimes.

But everyone does this.
And it might not be the right moment.
Why not optimize your whole talk?
This is how the interaction becomes more personal.

20. Interview with pressure. Yeah, Baby!

“What do you do for a living?“
“I am security at the airport.“
“Where are you from?“
“Italy.“
“And tell me one of your hobbies.”
“Reading.“

What a great conversation? Well, not really. No!
The whole pressure is on her. And you are only taking. You don’t really contribute.
No matter how she responds you only fire up the next question.
Permanent pressure.
Something really similar, what many men do, and I admit this even repels me as a man,
the same story, the same woman, the same man, from the very start:

“What do you do for a living?”
“I work at the airport as a security.
“Oh cool, my niece works at the airport too, she tells me
always funny stories, what had happened, very interesting.
“Where are you from?”
“Italy.”
Very good. I love Italian pizza and lasagna and all kinds of pasta.

I also have a small statue of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. My buddy was in Rome, he said it was great.
Tell me one of your hobbies. “
“Reading.”
“Oh, I love to read. I have the book by Ken Follett, it’s very famous, what’s its name again?
Never mind, I just can’t remember at the moment. And there is still a new author I want to read, well, so um … “

Sounds better than before, right? If you got that impression:

“For sure, yes”,  no!  Sorry!

Yes, it is a little bit better than the interview. At least you take something to contribute something to the conversation but everything is only related to your reality. Not to hers.

Did you notice she doesn’t really talk much here?
It’s a talk like tell me something, give me a keyword and You will relate it to your reality and only tell your stories. If even. What do you know about that or do I have a buddy that is involved in that topic? And then you’ll talk about this without including her. It’s like you against her.

Not good.

This will lead to events where you always have the urge to say something:

“Oh there was that topic, now I could say that.”
“Oh there’s again something, now I could say this.”
Another try. No, didn’t hit.

If someone talks to me like this, I would have seen this as a very strange talk where there’s no chemistry. Later I would have considered as impolite when I was conscious about what happens there. Until I took even a closer look and noticed people are just not aware of this. They just don’t know. This is why I won’t judge them. Those who watch closely and reflect talks can learn to have much better interactions with people.

If I notice it doesn’t work that way with the other person I will let the conversation die and say politely goodbye. Heading for the “exit” of the conversation.
It repels me. It’s like poison. Deadly for any conversation.
But how to improve all this?
Ok again. Rewinding and restart:

“What do you do for a living?“
“I am security at the airport.
“Oh cool, my niece works at the airport too, she tells me always funny stories, what had happened, very interesting. But she also tells me it’s very stressful at times. How is it for you?”
“Yeah, that’s right, sometimes it is stressful.”
„Hmmm sounds interesting like you’re telling that. Sounds like you speak another language, too. You are… Polish. Because you’re rolling the r slightly.“
„No, Italy. I am Italian.“
Very good. I love Italian Pizza and lasagna and all types of paste. I got this little statue of the Pisa tower.
My buddy was also there and said it’s great. Where you are staying when you’re in Italy I don’t know, maybe also in Pisa? I never was there yet. How is it to be Italian? Some Italian say we Germans are too insipid. No fire.“
“No, I am mostly in Rome. How I feel about being Italian? I can talk without thinking because I am not really in my head, all day long,
I am not shy and this is why we talk now.”, she smiles.
“Tell me one of your hobbies.”
“Oh, I love reading, too. Sometimes I just wanna dive deep and forget everything around me for a while, being in another world.
How is it for you, why you enjoy reading so much?”
“Sounds interesting, umm, Ralph, right? No, mostly I read travel guides or books on self-help. Because I love being on the road and always looking for new destinations. This is why. I wanna learn about the mentality of people. I am like…”

Now the quality of the talk is way better and only by using some little tweaks.
You give her more opportunities to link to and don’t reject everything, you relate it back to her.

21. Qualification – Take away the opportunities to qualify

 If you did everything right, and the talks are not only surface anymore if might happen she wants to qualify now. Let it happen. Don’t take the opportunities away.

22. Distinguishing the little Flame

It might also happen that she tries to say something and you talk and talk and talk. She wants to interrupt you and is just too polite or too shy to do it. This might happen to men that always talk a lot and fast. But you won’t let her. She might find intriguing what you say. And you keep on talking with the same speed and energy. Make pauses. Stop talking sometimes. Be aware if she wants to talk as well. Be attentive.

23. Telling her you didn’t think that you got that right

You notice now how the talk is moving deeper. It works! This is so amazing and suddenly you blurt out:

“Oh, I didn’t think it works so perfectly now.”

Don’t say that. It’s like you would want her to notice that can do it.
If it isn’t a situation where you are actually practicing your skills on connecting deeply, don’t say that.
It won’t be good to say that. Just enjoy that you got it there.
Smile for example, instead of saying it.
And if she asks you why you are smiling you can even tell:

“I just enjoy our talk.”

Because it doesn’t happen so often or is very comfortable.

24. Sticky

Sometimes there are topics we don’t know much or anything about.
We don’t know the related keywords or expressions or words. And our mind loves to stick to those words.

“You know I made a virgula and then Balance Toupé and then we both collapsed on the floor because I mixed up my feet. The floor was just too slippery. THAT was yet the most embarrassing moment in my dancing career.”

Sure it’s about dancing. At least we will know when we have read the whole passage.
But what’s a Virgula? Or a Balance…what? What’s the name of the thing again? I forgot. Never heard before. Only some. Sure. Some of you even dance Kizomba.
Sometimes it happens to me too: My mind wants to know, what is that?

“Hmmmmm, Virgula sounds a little bit like Virgin, Virginia. But what is this all about, about a virgin or something?”

And while I am still thinking she was continuously talking and I don’t know what I missed.

25. Yeah yeah I know, but I just forgot how to explain that at the moment

Men. And women. In that case both genders. If you’re reading this, if you don’t understand something, just say it. I encourage you to do this.

Konfuzius said:

Admitting that you do not know something is knowledge!

26. Hmm… Mexico or Brazil or, no, but Maldives or…. wandering thoughts!

Sometimes also this might happen:

You’re having a deep talk and suddenly your mind wanders off. You smell some delicious food, through your nose, this good smell, and your soul and your belly are filled with hope:
Food! And the world will be bright again because the black hole in your stomach will disappear again after a while and it stops sucking the sunlight into it. Depending on how long your attention span is, your mood, or your energy, it just might happen occasionally.

Just tell about it:

“Sorry, I didn’t listen for a moment. I think it’s very interesting what we’re talking about , but my mind was wandering off. Sorry. Can You please tell again? I just wanna hear it.”

This is now of course not a carte blanche to be inattentive during a conversation, but it can happen and then you can mention it and apologize. We’re all human. We make mistakes. That’s normal.

27. Facts

This point is not really a pitfall. You can’t really fall into it.
But I want to highlight from many possible angles what you can do to get a conversation going.
You might even do everything I tell here right. And still, some people won’t tell you much.

What’s the solution to that?

It’s very counterintuitive: Tell facts.
She doesn’t want to leave, she seems to be well. Comfortable. But she doesn’t really open up.
Now you can simply state facts. If she’s from another country you might tell about facts or rumors
you’ve heard.

If she might be Mexican for example:

“I heard Karina in Mexico can call me ‘Novio’ when I got to know her father and he tells me he’s ok with that. Is it really like that?”

28. „Close the gap“

We had that before. But here’s a little bit a different way to close the gap.

If you’re always hearing:

Very good, Dr. Freud”
“Are you a psychologist?”
“Are you into studying human behavior?”
“Are you always trying to do this?”
“You are such a great observer.”

(Always going along with some irony normally)

And everything that might be similar. What does this mean?
This is a sign you might be rushing like told before.
Or you haven’t been subtle enough.
On one side making a long statement should be good, but without enough context, it’s not.
You have to find the balance. It won’t work like this. You have to close the gap.
You should have been talked some sentences until you do this normally.
You should have been talking about some sentences surface level to have some context.
Just imagine someone approaches you and says:

Her: “Hey, how are you?”
You: “Good, and what about you?”
Her: “I guess you’re a very polite man, but sometimes very impatient, what your friends don’t like about you. And you’re very creative at your job and you make unusual suggestions, that first has been rejected. But somehow you learned to include them. You just did it and didn’t ask anymore.”

I would question myself: “How can she now?” after a simple “Hey, how are you?”

This doesn’t work. It’s fake. Very phony.
But if you have a hook you might still make it work:
For example, you talk to her about a chain or another highlight you perceive and make an assumption based on that, and relate it back to her.

Here again the headlines from this articles as a summary again for a quicker lookup:

1. The Wrong Mindset – pushing her to do something
2. It feels strange and this is why…
3. Uncalibrated rushing
4. Intimacy
5. Friendzone
6. Vague Statements
7. Snatching the Theme
8. Superficial Connection
“Matrix, but only part 1, the other ones of the trilogy I don’t like.”
9. Rejection
10. Judging her believes
11. Wrong Mentality – Perception
12. Feigning Interest
13. Repeating everything she says
14. Wrong energy or velocity
15. Emotional Dead End
16. Wrong Tonality – Story Telling
17. Interrupting her thoughts
18. Superficial Commonalities
19. Connecting incorrectly
20. Interview with pressure. Yeah, Baby!
21. Qualification – Take away the opportunities to qualify
22. Distinguishing the little Flame
23. Telling her you didn’t think that you got that right
24. Sticky
25. Yeah yeah I know, but I just forgot how to explain that at the moment
26. Hmm… Mexico or Brazil or, no, but Maldives or…. wandering thoughts!
27. Facts
28. „Close the gap“

A Deep Connection – What is it?

You feel it.

You will feel it when it is there.
You can see it if you see this loving couple walking by.
You know it’s there.

Do you always need to establish a Deep Connection consciously?

No, you can just feel it. It might just happen, too.
You might feel it when you’re hugging someone or in a
dance position of a sensual dance like Kizomba.
It might happen through music.
There are a lot of things that can establish it.

Does a Deep Connection always need words?

Of course not.
If you’ve once felt it you will be always able to recognize it.
It’s something you can’t really describe in a sense of what it is.
But you definitely it’s possible describing how to establish it.
Basically, it’s something everyone is craving. We just might not be aware of it.
We like to have a deep connection with someone.
And it feels great.
Normally women are the ones who wish to have this connection with their male partners.
And many of us men are too scared or don’t even know how to.
If we’re not already in a relationship.

Men’s side

We fear that we

  • … will be stuck in the friend zone if trying to establish a connection.
  • … feel strange doing this.
  • … think we don’t need this.
  • … don’t want a relationship.
  • … don’t want to be her emotional tampon.
  • … getting too intimate

It doesn’t matter if this really makes sense. This is what we as men might fear because we don’t know what that “deep connection”-thingy really is.

Can men recognize it?
If we learn how sure we can.
But normally we’re often not aware of it.

Women’s side

Women are normally very aware of a connection.

Women might fear to be

  • … hurt again, after having had a relationship with a deep connection.
  • … rejected, because men are unaware of what women offer
  • … judged, especially for their negative beliefs
  • … not understood
  • … pushed into a connection too fast

At least a deep connection is sharing many things together other people wouldn’t know about.
Because they are just perceiving the person at the surface.
This can be very private thoughts, fears or values, or even believes.
These can be stories or challenges.
And it can be things you can’t really describe like feelings in general that a couple might share.

Did you ever have a deep connection with someone?
How would you describe it?

 Write your story in the comment field below.

I am curious to read your story.

And if you want to know more, just continue here: Why an Emotional Connection?

Review – Participant Paul

I am a former participant of Holgers Deep Trust Coaching

Well then. It’s a great pleasure to me to write this Review.

The whole event took part in Stuttgart.
The whole thing took place in Stuttgart, Holger has welcomed me very friendly on Friday and we are first in a bar and have a couple of drinks and chatted a bit. He proved to be very relaxed and very emphatetic. A loose and relaxed guy who has seen a lot in life.

After the small talk we went down to learn. He generally has explained to me first the basics of Deep Trust and then we dived in deeply

First I had the impression that this is all very theoretical but later I understood I need this knowlegde to be able to increase my levels of empathy when communicating with others.

You could also say my intuition gained a rapid boost during this weekend. I will come back to this.

At Saturday we made dived more into the principles of the concepts. Because it contains a lot it would be much to refer about this here.
Roughly stated it’s about getting to know the rehtoric training wheels for manage to build trust with other human-beings in general.

These stages are called emotional levels the deeper the better. Best shit for all theorists and technicans and a big boost for the normal game as well.
More than that, it ignites with others like a chocolate ice after a Cosmopolitan diet.

When I started using my new-learned knowledge in a couple of conversations I didn’t manage to get very deep, as Holger said.
I lacked practice dive deeper.

Nevertheless it was sufficient to checkout some numbers and create some sparkle in the eyes of others.
Holger hat mir aufmerksam zugehört, als ich ihm die Abläufe meiner Sets geschildert habe und bot mir schnell Hinweise, wie es das nächste mal besser gehen kann. Er konnte auch direkt anhand meiner Beispiele Zugänge zu weiteren tieferen Ebenen kreieren.
Hier macht eindeutig Übung den Meister.

Holger listened thoroughly as I described how my interactions went and quickly gave me instructions about how to improve.
He could also create instantly access to deeper levels deriving from my examples.
To master this you need clearly practice.

Sunday we went in a cafe to rebrief. Holger gave me a few examples with exact details and instructions of how to implement my new knowledge.
Then we did that live infield. That way it was super successful.

Nevertheless it was a very worthy investion.
I build a lot more trust with people around me now and also the girls can feel this a lot more than before.

Stuttgart is a great town and Holger is a great teacher.

As far as I know Holger is the only one teaching these principles in Germany.

Go for it and bring your trust to the next level!

Peace & Love

How can I connect on a deeper level, even if I don’t know what to talk about?

beauty-1319951_1920

I will give you some tips here that should make it a lot easier about how to do that.
I often have the impression recently that listening is a lost art now.
Is it really? What do you think? Just write a comment below if you like this article.

But on the other side, we all know how it feels if there is something deep, engaging below the surface. And if you had that you will always remember it, no doubt.
Like your first kiss when you were really in love.
Maybe it’s not even a lost art. It is just hiding. Below the surface. Because we are too distracted by all the influences around us. Too many things happen at the same time and we’re busy, so maybe we just don’t pay close attention to small subtle things anymore or don’t learn that anymore.

You know that feeling when the environment is only a blur around the two of you when you’re really engaged in this deep conversation. And no, I am not talking about a highly political, highly religious, or philosophical talk. Not at all. That’s not a deep conversation. Not that angle I’d like to point out here.

I’m really burning about that topic and can talk about that for hours. So I even have used the topic about how a deeply emotional conversation works to establish a connection which I had even one experience where someone was telling me:

“Oh wow, I feel really good now. I guess… that’s the chemistry between us, right?” and then this person blushed a little bit, because what was going on?

It makes me proud if I notice I can create that bubble that will make the world appear like for some moments only the two of us still exist. No matter what happens around us.
When you connect below the surface layer you’re about to build a real relationship. No matter the circumstances.
Sure, you might also have experienced creating a deep bond by having survived adventures with another person.
Here are some easy tips that you can apply immediately to increase your chances to make a long-term impact on other people:

1. Eye contact

Really lock eye-contact, but with a relaxed look, important is not to try to change HOW you look at them. Change your being, how you feel inside. And then pay attention to what happens to your eyes and your facial expression.

2. Don’t filter – be real

If you feel a smile or a laugh coming, let it out. Be non-filtering. Just real. Communicate that you are really listening to what they are telling.

3. Listen actively

Listen actively. Pay full attention. No distraction. Which is: Don’t look around. Don’t check your phone. Be laser-focused here. Nothing else. Your attention is only directed to this person.

4. Don’t interrupt.

This is really one of the most important points in my opinion.

Don’t talk over them. And don’t stop them talking. Let them talk. This is especially important at the beginning of communication with new people. Don’t distinguish that little flame.

Because many times you will even make the other person talk very soon and trying to engage in the conversation. But prevent them from really be able to do this, because you just talk and talk and don’t pay attention if they want to contribute to the conversation.

If you make them think because you asked something very interesting and there is a silence, DON’T interrupt that silence ever again. Make it not an awkward silence. Own that silence. Enjoy that you made your conversational partner think.

Don’t think:

“Oh my God. The conversation is fizzling out.”

Don’t interrupt them. Let the other person keep talking, even if you want to stop them.
And if your conversational partner is already talking, don’t stop.

If you interrupt people too often, they will expect it and they may stop communicating. And maybe they don’t wanna talk to you ever again.

5. Keep it about them,

Keep it at a personal level. If you get to very intimate points about your conversation partner don’t be shy. It’s not bad. No. It’s good.

6. Don’t yawn.

But normally you wouldn’t have the urge to yawn. Because steering a talk to a deeper emotional conversation is always energizing and feels great. It should never be depleting because if so, you might be doing something wrong.

7. Be open.

Don’t reject what they offer and be open and show sincere genuine real interest.
Also one of the most important points here. For example, if they like politics and live for it and you hate it, don’t just say:

“Oh my gosh, I hate politics. I had some bad experiences, let’s talk about something else.”

Take what they offer and find out WHY they like it. You can still say you hate it and show you’re intrigued and asking about where their passion comes from to be so into that topic.

8. Summarize what you’ve heard

especially when you are about to change the topic.

You might say for example:

“I’d like to tell you something else. And before I change the topic Did I get that right, you were born in Wyoming and it was boring to live there until you tried to build your own company? I only met very few people in my life that are so creative.”

She nods.

“Wow. Let’s talk more about that later. Because what I had in mind is…”

It shows that you really did listen.

9. Remember little details even

Me: “Hey, Martha, nice to see you again. How is Your brother, Alex?”
Her: “How do you know my brother’s name?!”
Me: “You know last time you told me your brother is always mistaken for being Russian because he has a name that is common in several countries, especially in Russia, too. So I assumed it could be Alex.”
Her: “Wow. It’s amazing how thoroughly you listened.”

People will tell you that you are a very good listener, conversation partner AND if you want: a good man, husband, boyfriend, or friend.

10. Continue where you stopped

If you happen to meet someone again you had a good connection to, you don’t necessarily want to start over to go deep again. You can assume AND know for sure that there is already depth in your friendship or relationship and just continue talking at that level.
People will respect that very much and you will stand out.