How can I connect on a deeper level, even if I don’t know what to talk about?


I will give you some tips here that should make it a lot easier about how to do that.
I often have the impression recently that listening is a lost art now.
Is it really? What do you think? Just write a comment below if you like this article.

But on the other side, we all know how it feels if there is something deep, engaging below the surface. And if you had that you will always remember it, no doubt.
Like your first kiss when you were really in love.
Maybe it’s not even a lost art. It is just hiding. Below the surface. Because we are too distracted by all the influences around us. Too many things happen at the same time and we’re busy, so maybe we just don’t pay close attention to small subtle things anymore or don’t learn that anymore.

You know that feeling when the environment is only a blur around the two of you when you’re really engaged in this deep conversation. And no, I am not talking about a highly political, highly religious, or philosophical talk. Not at all. That’s not a deep conversation. Not that angle I’d like to point out here.

I’m really burning about that topic and can talk about that for hours. So I even have used the topic about how a deeply emotional conversation works to establish a connection which I had even one experience where someone was telling me:

“Oh wow, I feel really good now. I guess… that’s the chemistry between us, right?” and then this person blushed a little bit, because what was going on?

It makes me proud if I notice I can create that bubble that will make the world appear like for some moments only the two of us still exist. No matter what happens around us.
When you connect below the surface layer you’re about to build a real relationship. No matter the circumstances.
Sure, you might also have experienced creating a deep bond by having survived adventures with another person.
Here are some easy tips that you can apply immediately to increase your chances to make a long-term impact on other people:

1. Eye contact

Really lock eye-contact, but with a relaxed look, important is not to try to change HOW you look at them. Change your being, how you feel inside. And then pay attention to what happens to your eyes and your facial expression.

2. Don’t filter – be real

If you feel a smile or a laugh coming, let it out. Be non-filtering. Just real. Communicate that you are really listening to what they are telling.

3. Listen actively

Listen actively. Pay full attention. No distraction. Which is: Don’t look around. Don’t check your phone. Be laser-focused here. Nothing else. Your attention is only directed to this person.

4. Don’t interrupt.

This is really one of the most important points in my opinion.

Don’t talk over them. And don’t stop them talking. Let them talk. This is especially important at the beginning of communication with new people. Don’t distinguish that little flame.

Because many times you will even make the other person talk very soon and trying to engage in the conversation. But prevent them from really be able to do this, because you just talk and talk and don’t pay attention if they want to contribute to the conversation.

If you make them think because you asked something very interesting and there is a silence, DON’T interrupt that silence ever again. Make it not an awkward silence. Own that silence. Enjoy that you made your conversational partner think.

Don’t think:

“Oh my God. The conversation is fizzling out.”

Don’t interrupt them. Let the other person keep talking, even if you want to stop them.
And if your conversational partner is already talking, don’t stop.

If you interrupt people too often, they will expect it and they may stop communicating. And maybe they don’t wanna talk to you ever again.

5. Keep it about them,

Keep it at a personal level. If you get to very intimate points about your conversation partner don’t be shy. It’s not bad. No. It’s good.

6. Don’t yawn.

But normally you wouldn’t have the urge to yawn. Because steering a talk to a deeper emotional conversation is always energizing and feels great. It should never be depleting because if so, you might be doing something wrong.

7. Be open.

Don’t reject what they offer and be open and show sincere genuine real interest.
Also one of the most important points here. For example, if they like politics and live for it and you hate it, don’t just say:

“Oh my gosh, I hate politics. I had some bad experiences, let’s talk about something else.”

Take what they offer and find out WHY they like it. You can still say you hate it and show you’re intrigued and asking about where their passion comes from to be so into that topic.

8. Summarize what you’ve heard

especially when you are about to change the topic.

You might say for example:

“I’d like to tell you something else. And before I change the topic Did I get that right, you were born in Wyoming and it was boring to live there until you tried to build your own company? I only met very few people in my life that are so creative.”

She nods.

“Wow. Let’s talk more about that later. Because what I had in mind is…”

It shows that you really did listen.

9. Remember little details even

Me: “Hey, Martha, nice to see you again. How is Your brother, Alex?”
Her: “How do you know my brother’s name?!”
Me: “You know last time you told me your brother is always mistaken for being Russian because he has a name that is common in several countries, especially in Russia, too. So I assumed it could be Alex.”
Her: “Wow. It’s amazing how thoroughly you listened.”

People will tell you that you are a very good listener, conversation partner AND if you want: a good man, husband, boyfriend, or friend.

10. Continue where you stopped

If you happen to meet someone again you had a good connection to, you don’t necessarily want to start over to go deep again. You can assume AND know for sure that there is already depth in your friendship or relationship and just continue talking at that level.
People will respect that very much and you will stand out.

How Do I Know if my Connection to Someone Is Special? – 7 Signs

If you have really an amazing connection together that goes deep it can be perceived by many factors.
You might be wondering if it really is like this or not, but there are obvious signs.
I will sharpen your perception here to get this.

1. Common adventurous experiences

One thing that deepens a connection and strengthens it beyond the surface is common experiences.
You might have been through something difficult together.
For example, when I was in Thailand once together with a girl, the boat’s motor caught fire.
And we didn’t know if we would have to swim a fair amount to get back where we came from.
And no, it was not funny, but it for sure made our connection deeper.

2. You are free to be yourself

You might feel great relief because you feel you can completely relax into being yourself.
No shtick, no front or persona is in your way. You’re completely real. Like your family or your best friends know you.

3. Continuing the conversation like it never stopped

You might even just start talking where you stopped the last time and explore some feelings like it wasn’t ever different. You feel like it has always been like this. Especially if you as a man have talked to a woman before that way she doesn’t necessarily want to go surface again.

4. Telling about gaining full respect

I as a man many times experienced that woman say to me:
You know I only met a few men being able to talk like this, but you’re the only one that is not judgmental. Not even a little bit. Thanks. I am respecting you.

5. Contributing a lot to the conversation

Even if you don’t know each other so well yet and you feel you’re on the road to a special connection you will see that the other person brings in a lot to the conversation.

7. Talking about non-superficial stuff

If you happen to find yourself in a talk with a person of the opposite gender and suddenly you notice that you do not talk only about hobbies, things you do anymore but about what are each other’s values or how they might have changed in life and not only like before maybe about music or your favorite films, then this is also a clear sign that the connection has gone deeper.