This article is about becoming aware of what to change when talking to someone.
And how to improve conversations with people in general.
You’d like to talk with them. Not at them.
Because all in all you want to give the conversation a vibe of being a team and collaborating.
Not competing. Collaborating will help you emanate nice and clean energy that people are picking upon.
Competing will make them feel negative energy. An energy-sucking vibe.
No one likes that. But normally it is not talked about.
To shed some light on these facts you’re provided with this article.
Think about what others are experiencing, don’t just think about yourself.
Build and increase your level of empathy.
What do most people think when you’re talking to them and how do they behave?
Therefore I’ve assembled 4 points here.
If you consider and implement them this will change
a) Your perspective of people big time.
b) Their perspective and opinion of you too
c) Completely change your awareness level to a much higher level in the long run.
Those 4 points are:
- Waiting for the topic referred back to them.
- Do I already know what it is all about? Okay, I got it. Don’t need to listen to the rest.
- When it is my turn to speak?
- Is this a test? / Did I pass the test?
Let’s elaborate more deeply on those now.
1.) Waiting for the topic referred back to them.
This is what most people got running in their head when you’re talking to them:
They’re spinning their thoughts like:
“It’s all about me, me, me!”
“How does this relate to me? ”
If I was your average Joe and you say something that doesn’t relate to me,
I’m just going to block it off.
“When do we talk about me?”
“When it’s going to switch to something else that refers to me?”
“When do we talk about me?”
“My favorite topic: Me!”
Let’s take an example to make this even more clear:
Let’s assume you talk to someone you’ve just met.
And suddenly you’re talking about holidays. Vacation.
You: “You know I’d love to go to Hawaii again. It’s so beautiful. Especially the sunsets.
You can’t imagine the colors when it’s getting dark. So awesome because…”
Average Joe: “Dude, that’s nothing compared to Finland. You have to see the white nights there and the light.
Dude. That doesn’t impress me at all. Because I know that when I was in Finland…”
Now he’s going to share his own experiences instead.
You nod and think, yeah, but I wasn’t finished telling and you try again:
You: “Yeah, thanks for sharing. What I just wanted to add: You know that feeling when
the sun is lowering itself and suddenly everything is soaked in golden light?
This feels like…”
No, Joe doesn’t wait until you’ve finished. Because now he got triggered again.
“Come on, Dude. I told you. Why you don’t listen to me? And if you didn’t know,
in the desert it’s even more awesome. Because when I was there…”
Now he even told you that you didn’t listen. He seems to see it like that.
And he goes into his life story.
And seems to even be aware of that, though he interrupted the conversation
the thread you’ve created first, so at the moment he’s the one not really listening.
It isn’t you. Because all you wanted to do is to finish what you’ve told
and THEN listening to him. Right?
This is often the reason why people might say:
“Okay, dude. I’ve got to do something now. Have a nice time. See you later.”
You say that, but no way you mean it. Because it doesn’t make sense anymore with this person.
More on this point you’ll get when you read about the most common pitfalls.
2.) Do I get it?
As soon as someone says something and they get it, they’ll just cut off the rest.
They just don’t listen to the rest.
They just won’t.
You: “You know what is meant when someone says: I got no time for that right now?”
Average Joe: “Sure, they mean that they’re busy. I get it.”
You actually wanted to elaborate more on the point that you just found out,
that it means due to your level of awareness that they set their priorities differently.
So they don’t slice a time off for this thing and therefore will tell you that they got no time.
You: “No, I wanted to say that it is due to their priorities, because…”
Average Joe: “Yeah, right. I got my priorities too. I get it. Let’s change the topic. What do you think about the political corruption in our country?”
Now you might even think: Does it even make sense to continue the conversation with this person right here?
No, more probably it’s over!
Read more about how to prevent this here.
3.) When is it my turn to speak?
This one’s huge.
That’s actually the point where guys rip the topic off of you
and go into their life story when there’s a trigger word.
Guys just waiting for their turn to talk.
WHEN DO WE TALK ABOUT ME?
Is she done? Now I can talk about what I want to talk about.
Her: “I don’t know if I have time to meet you this evening. Maybe next weekend?”
Average Joy: “Yeah, I often also have no time to meet, you know, because I got my new position offered at work.
And I am trying to build my own business and earn…. oh, I’ll have to plan for my sister’s wedding as well.
So what about tomorrow?”
There is not even a single question why she’s suggesting next weekend. Instead, he’s talking about
why HE is so busy. No word about why she is so busy.
This leaves an atrocious feeling in your body. Both sides will feel an emotional sting.
Especially the one who wants to talk about something first. If you don’t become aware of this,
your conversations may always come to the same dreaded end.
So no one really likes that. Do you want to know even more? Then read on and implement the tips at the end.
4.) Am I being tested? – Did I pass the test?
Remember the Hawaiian example of point one, I’ve integrated to show how people want to relate it to them.
This is always valid to this point.
Not because Mr. Average Joe is talking about himself. No, further, he tries to vie with you.
This is why his story is designed to be better than yours. Which instead lowers his value.
You: “The temperature here is very crazy.”
Average Joe: “… In Egypt or Cyprus, where I was last year, it’s even crazier…”
And the average Joe thinks it’s helping the conversation.
In reality, it does not. It just lowers your value. And people sense that immediately.
If you’re really listening or drifting off.
Because if you’re “guilty” to hang on to one of these 4 issues you’re interacting
through these filters and this just kills your value and you come across as this very unlikeable person.
For example, let’s imagine you’re starting to talk about something that happened to you.
About an issue that occurred while you were being on vacation, for example,
they don’t even talk about the issue itself. They keep bringing it back to themselves. And thus kill the flow.
They feel as well like this is a competition this their story has even to be better than yours.
Oh, dude, that’s nothing, you won’t even imagine what happened on my vacations, it was much worse, because…
This kills the energy. Sucks the conversation dry and if it gets even worse depletes the respect
and kills the flow as well. The conversation fizzles out and it’s over.
If you don’t get this down, you’ll never get to a higher level.
The crazy thing is, what will people say that really understand the importance of those 4 points?
They will agree and say to you how amazing this works.
What if they don’t? They will listen to a bit of what you’re all about and then they drop off.
Avoid those 4 pitfalls and you’re good to go.
This will improve your negotiations, relationships, conversations, and therefore your quality of life in general.
Create a Little Experience for Yourself
Just right now as an experiment for this week as well as to implement those 4 points:
Watch conversations that others are having.
And you’re going to see like this little hamster in their brain going like:
What does this have to do with me?
On and on.
Find out: When do they try to relate the topic to them?
When do feel like being tested?
What happens so they go into their life story?
Can you see their mind racing: When it’s my turn to speak? Oh, now I can talk. Because there was my trigger word!
Have fun. Tell me what you’ve watched and how these tips changed what you experience.
P.S.: When you’ve implemented the tips or even could need some more advice, a good point to continue is to read about the
most common pitfalls.