Let’s be honest:

Do you know those 36 questions? (And there is one question more, read on…)

Almost everyone has heard about the 36 questions to make someone fall in love.
It’s about reading those questions aloud to each other. Everyone has to ask AND to answer them.

But what you most likely don’t know:

Why do they work?

Because you are most likely to end up sharing very private things you might not have even shared with your closest friends.
It sounds a little bit crazy. And not enough with that. After reading the questions aloud and sharing what shall be shared, there is one thing left:

Look into each other’s eyes for 4 minutes straight.

This should make strangers fall in love.
An experiment that was invented by psychologists, honed into a process ensuring falling in love.

They are separated into 3 parts.

The questions get more intense during the process. Just seeing them in written form seems almost to be innocent. But that’s not the case.
When you start thinking about the answers you’ll give to your conversation partner a lot of emotional investment is at play.
It gets intense.

Normally a lot of coincidences lead to an intimate relationship over time.
The question compress this time frame to give you a narrow path to walk on to connect.
But it’s a very rigid framework though.
It’s a given set of questions to supercharge the connection and therefore creating intimacy and love.

Do they always work?

At least if you’re not a victim of saying this:

We asked each other 36 questions to fall in love. Then we broke up.

The questions are also not superficial and boring like this:

Where do you work?
What do you do for a living?
Do you like it?
Is it difficult?

This is not inspiring while it doesn’t intrigue your potential partner to open up.

But it’s very different with the set of these 36 questions.
Every answer can bring up more questions, thus the floodgates of talking and getting to know each other open big time.
It brings a lot of structure into the evening and throws the awkward silence out of the window.
While it also sheds light on things you will have in common without even being aware yet.

[Tweet “36 Question to Fall in Love. But do you also know question nr? 37?”]

Part I

Questions about things that no one knows about you yet.
Therefore it creates intimacy.

Here are the questions for this set:

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Part II

Those are even more related to your identity.
This means: Who are you as a person?

1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

2. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

4. What do you value most in a friendship?

5. What is your most treasured memory?

6. What is your most terrible memory?

7. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

8. What does friendship mean to you?

9. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

10. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Part III

This is clearly about togetherness.
Being a couple.
Figuring out things together.
Sharing intimate things and turning a “me” and “you” into an “us”.

Those set of questions has been created by Dr. Aaron as part of his study
because he wanted to figure out how to make people fall in love with each other.

The New York Times even shared a podcast that is called:

“To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This (Updated With Podcast)”

You can listen to it here:

1. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …”

2. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …”

3. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

4. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

6. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

7. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

8. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

10. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

11. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

12. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

And I’ve added a question number 37: (3 x 12 = 36 + 1 = 37)

13. Do you like horses or dolphins? Why? What characteristics that they have can you see in your partner?

Take your partner’s hands in your hands. Hold them. Clasp your fingers.
And now look into each other’s eyes for 4 minutes straight. Don’t break eye contact. Hold it.

Want to fall in love? Just do this… Did it work for you?

What also is guaranteed by the structure of those question set:

You don’t hurt the 4 important points:

1.) Waiting for the topic referred back to you.
2.) You won’t think: Do I get it?
3.) Neither will you think: When is it my turn to speak?
4.) And also this is kept away: Am I being tested? – Did I pass the test?

Because you would be basically thinking:

What does this have to do with me?

Because many times we are not aware when talking to another person:

Which experience do we give our conversational partner and in this case potential partner or wife-to-be?
Thus we often rip the rug from under the conversation and basically, all positive energy goes down the drain.
Enjoy your evening. In this case: Definitely alone. At least not with this potential partner. This is gone.

If you want to know more about these common issues, just figure out how to improve your conversations big time.
Don’t let coincidence lead you to rare success.

Did you fall in love or was Dr. Aaron wrong in your case?

Share your experiences.

What’s your experience with this?

Leave a comment below.

P.S.: You can learn to create such questions yourself instantly and spontaneously.
As well as you can master to do the same without interrogating which is also possible.
If you are already on the road to build deep trust, try to avoid the most common pitfalls.

What is this post all about?
Kizomba is derived from the Portuguese word “Kizomba” and originates in Angola, Africa.
Normally I am talking about how to use the words and then to use the vibe to emphasize the connection.
This should be a subconscious thing with time. You shouldn’t necessarily feel the need to think about it.
And since I am always was posting about: “How to talk.”

I’ll also give you two tools to get more out of your head, therefore you can feel better.
Another tool will be useful to increase your presence, when you’re fully in your body you become even more aware of all the sensations in your body.

Feel It!

It is this time about: “How to feel.”
We deal with the vibe here. The emotions. The sensations.

Kizomba works a lot with touch.
To be even more precise:
You couldn’t even really dance kizomba without a lot of touching.

Connect with your Body, Mind, and Soul.

In the long run, this is all about getting thoughts, words and actions aligned.
This means: You want to dance. You want to feel. And if you’re even thinking, then just about this.
It takes some time to master this dance. Yes.

But only seconds to feel something you might have never been aware of before.
Especially if you’re not a dancer.
So I advise you: Give yourself a chance and try a kizomba course.
Almost every bigger town near you offers a trial course that you can take part in for little or no money.

Connect with your Body and your Feelings.

Here you will learn a lot of things.
Just imagine you’re attending a course.
So you’ll have to choose a dance partner.
“Everyone finds a partner now. Commands the dancing teacher.”
Ok, there is this woman over there. You find her kinda cute.

Now you’re instructed about the position.

There are two ways of holding each other.

The man may use his left hand to hold the woman’s right hand.
And the upper body, let’s say the torso touch. Without the gut.
As a man, you will basically be taking responsibility for leading completely.

Respect each other’s, Private Space.

Not everyone can let a stranger into his private space.
This might more often be the case for the woman. But you could also be the one as well.
You will immediately feel if the woman is willing to let you come as close as it is needed for the dance.
If she’ll hold you back, respect that. The slightest uncomfortableness of the woman means for you as a man:
Back off. One step back. Never force it. It is something powerful. Not forceful.

You will notice in a matter of seconds if there is chemistry.
You will feel it in the vibe. The woman might close her eyes if she feels secure in your arms when you’re doing the lead.
What does this mean for you? Just demand that she is emotionally open to let the two of you dance very tight is not enough.
You have to open up yourself, too. Otherwise, you’ll create a lot of distance and not togetherness.
Connect to your emotions. Feel her. Literally. With your body and your mind. Let’s say: Put in your soul.

Let’s say: Put in your soul and your heart and let your spirit do the rest.

Try to get out of your head

To really be able to fully feel what’s going on, I give you two things you can do to make this a lot easier.

How to get out of your head instantly.

Are you someone who’s always in his head?
If history is an indicator: You are. Definitely. A lot. 🙂
Let’s change that right now.

There’s a trick that will basically short circuit your brain and in turn, shut your thinking process off.
That means your subconsciousness will immediately take place and do the work for you.
In other words: Your thinking mind is a lot slower than your subconscious.
I bet you had a lot of moments in your life when you were not thinking at all.
And could even tell that if someone would ask you for that very moment.

Ok, here comes the tool:

To make your think process shut off, you have to say yourself a question that your brain will never be able to answer.
Because it is always changing due to your brain. I know. Sounds a little bit woo and crazy.
And this question is:

“What will be my next thought?”

Your brain will start searching and never know.
Therefore a little moment of silence is introduced in your mind.
Try it now. Stop reading. Ask yourself this question.
You can also slightly change it:

“Which color will have my next thought?”

or

“Which sound will have my next thought?”

or

“Which smell will have my next thought?”

Just wait. Until the next thought comes.

If the next thought comes, give yourself a short break and accept that the thinking process is kicking in again.
Now: Do it again. 🙂
Try it up to 10 times for now. You’ll see the length of the silent moments will increase.
Depending on how much you’re normally in your head, the first try might even give you only 1 second of silence.
Or it might be longer. This is different for each and every person and depends on where you’re at as well.

Activating your charisma big time

On to the second tool.
Now you might get out of your head, but not necessarily into your body.
You have to increase your presence. But how?
There is an easy trick:
Concentrate on the feeling in your toes.
This will literally make your brain sweep from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes
and bring you instantly more into your body.
Do this only for some seconds before the two of you are starting to dance.

I guarantee if you’re doing it right: you’ll love it.
And she’ll love it too. Definitely.

Control – How do I know I do it right?

That’s a very good question.
If you’re doing it right and you’re implementing all the things mentioned above,
you will get a very good feeling that transfers onto her and everyone looking at you will see a happy smiling couple dancing.
If you’re smiling and it seems to be for no reason, then you’re doing it right. It comes effortlessly.

Here you can see it as well: She’s smiling. She loves the energy between her and you.

Just enjoy it!

Now you might ask:

What else do I have to know or do?
Nothing! Sometimes it is just time to not learn anymore but to enjoy.
Because you will learn to get very connected to your feelings.
Thus this will make your dance partner very happy because the empathy and the chemistry are there.
So you create that feeling of togetherness. And she and you can let go.

Reminder / Checklist

1. Find out where is a Kizomba trial course in your town or near your town.
   Attend it. Just do take part in the trial part. To get to know the dance and what it is all about.
   Don’t cop out and push through.
2. Respect each other’s private space. Don’t force. Back off if necessary.
3. Practice getting out of your head.
4. Increase your presence.
5. Watch if the two of you start smiling once just because.

P.S.: Kizomba is Passion.

This is a summarization of how to improve your conversational skills.
This will help you to avoid the most common pitfalls.

1. The Wrong Mindset – pushing her to do something

You want to get to know her on a really intimate level.
And showing real genuine interest. Don’t fake it. Please be honest. Don’t act.

2. It feels strange and this is why…

Finally, this is not a duel, right? It’s right, it’s not a duel. But the rest: Not right.
You will notice this art of communication might make you feel always strange.

But only

• a little bit strange
• even more strange
• or very strange

It’s normal for us as a man. We’re always leaving our comfort zone doing this.

[Tweet “Don’t make these mistakes. Avoid these common pitfalls.”]

3. Uncalibrated rushing

If she asks you some things or says something like:

“Are you drunk?“
“Well, good job Sherlock” (dripping irony)
“You’re into psychology?“

This is a sign that you try to rush things. Even if you’re not used to it.
You CAN definitely go fast. But it needs a lot of calibration. Don’t overdo it.
Slow down and explain, why you’re going so fast.

4. Intimacy

You think it’s too intimate. This is why you don’t give yourself permission to talk that way.
And you think as well you shouldn’t talk with women like this.
Ok, sure it’s your decision. If you DON’T want to do exactly that, stop reading here and do the things that are more important right now. Because everyone has different priorities.
Then this topic is not meant for you, at least not at the moment. You might come back another time. And are always welcome.
You want to get to know this woman very intimately. That’s what this is all about.
How you get there, is the topic of this Blog.
You want to experience her believes, what she believes and why, her values, simply her whole reality.
You want to experience who she is. Entirely. Not only surface.

5. Friendzone

You are scared to be stuck in the friend zone if you talk this way. You think you’d become her emotional tampon. But when are you REALLY the emotional tampon?
If you got a male or female friend, that only call you if they got some problems?
And if everything’s ok with them you don’t even exist? They always throw up and only talk to you if they have no one who listens to them and if not, doesn’t matter in their eyes.
Then that’s pretty much it.
But if a woman is talking about her beliefs because you’re on the road to a deeper emotional connection, it has nothing to do with the friend zone.

6. Vague Statements – Another Pitfall

Maybe you say something like:

“You are a happy person.”

or

“You’re funny.”
“You’re hilarious.”
“You’re spontaneous.”
“I think you’re athletic.”

That is a statement, it might even be completely accurate.

You just say this not adding anything more, then it’s just a very short sentence. Done.
It’s not relatable, why do you come to this conclusion?
What’s your statement based on?
The content is very vague.

“You seem to be a happy person. No matter when I see you, you always got a smile on your lips. And – even more important – your smile is real. I think I know no one else smiling so much.”
Now you made it relatable and it creates a totally different impact. Good!

7. Snatching the Theme

She is talking about what she loves most and you could see the passion in your eyes, but yeah…

“Yeah my buddy did that too, but now he hates it. Disgusting. Are you into origami by any chance?”

This will hurt her emotionally a little bit. She will sense something wrong. She won’t tell you, you will notice that the talk will float back to the surface.
I will explain that later in another article in this blog because this is unbelievably important.
She doesn’t know your buddy. It’s not relatable. You don’t establish commonalities like this.
It doesn’t matter if your buddy tried it too. Stick to the topic. Ask her more about it.
If it’s her greatest passion, don’t reject what she has to offer.
Find out why she likes it so much. And how she got into it.

8. Superficial Connection

If you’re a people pleaser and think you can establish a deep emotional connection by finding superficial commonalities, please get rid of them. Totally wrong.
It CAN happen. And it’s rare.

“Hey, which music do you like?”
“Rock!”
“Cool, me too.”
“And what’s your favorite movie?”
“Matrix, but only part 1, the other ones of the trilogy I don’t like.”
“Cool, awesome. Unbelievable. Me too!!!”
“And who’s your favorite actor or actress?”
“Selma Hayek”
“Cool, I love her too.”

Cool, cool cool. Yeah. You like it all. Very boring. She will forget it soon.
There’s no special moment, no chemistry at all.

9. Rejection

“I love dancing. Do you know the movie Step Up? I love this style. I am doing this for ten years now!”
“I hate ballet. Do you play golf?”

Gosh. How can you obviously cluelessly reject what she offers to you like this?

Come on. Imagine you’re talking about your greatest passion and I cut the thread of like that?
Would you even engage in the conversation anymore?
Unbelievably wrong! Don’t do this!
You reject what she loves most. If she does it for ten years now, there are reasons why shy is still doing it and did it already for such a long time.
You don’t have to have something in common with her.
You still can engage in the conversation and ask her about her passion.
Find out why she’s doing out.

10. Judging her believes

First the whole text, completely, no interruption:

“I’d like to tell you something. But I don’t know if you will still like me. Because it sounds a little bit strange. And all my female friends now think I am stupid and don’t talk to me anymore.”

“Hey, I’m curious to hear your story. And I guess, maybe I can tell you something similar, but there’s no reason why I shouldn’t like you anymore. I won’t judge you. I guess I know how you feel.”

“I sometimes have this thing, these visions, you know. And I told my friends about it. And I don’t have those visions where I see glimpses of the future that only last seconds. No. I can clearly see what will happen in the next few hours.”

“Stephany”, I look deeply into her eyes. “I can’t see any reason not believing you. I remember a story where something similar happened. I can’t see into the future as you, but I will tell you the story if you want to hear it.”

“Yes, please. Tell me.”

“Ok, you remember I was once working in a hospital for a little bit more than a year. I was about 20.
In a little hospital in a suburban area. Beautiful landscape. Very natural.
And I wanted to meet my buddy. We were always going for a walk with his two female shepherds. Bessie and Tina. Wonderful dogs. Best has the normal fur and Tina is completely black.
Bessie was still young and loved to play a lot. I remember that one time Raphael held his arms up and called her to come. From about 100 meters away. And some meters before him she made big jumps and pushed him over with her forepaws. Very powerful. This shouldn’t be so easy because he’s more than 6,6 tall. Ok on with the story.
I knew I had to work the next day, we said we wanted to meet Saturday because I had to do the morning shift on Saturday. I would say everything was normal. Almost like every day.
So I went to work. And then I should take the instruments down to the sterilization room. Do you know what that means? Ok good. Normally I always walked the same path downward from station 8 where I was working. But this time I didn’t think about it and suddenly noticed I was walking the other side down. Both ways are completely distancially equal. Doesn’t matter if I go down the stairs on the right or on the left. And normally I walked always the same way. Because I am used to it. But not this time.”I want to work directed to the sterilization room. Suddenly it’s like someone is talking to me.
You know, like you have some thoughts sometimes. The self-talk you might be doing silently.
But at this moment I didn’t catch myself thinking. It’s really like someone else was talking.
And then I had this thought: ‘he’s here. My bud is in the hospital here.’
I just thought: ‘Now you’re getting crazy, time to go home soon and sleep a little bit. It was an exhausting day.

When I was home I was waiting for his call.
Nothing.
It was a long time ago so it wasn’t normal to have a mobile phone yet.
My parents told me to avoid calling anyone if not really necessary. And there was no flat rate yet for phoning anyone either. “
He didn’t call.

Saturday: Nothing.
Sunday: Nothing.
Monday, same story.
Tuesday he finally called.

We greeted each other like every time:

“Hey, you idiot. What happened? Why you didn’t call me?”
“Hey, you ass, I couldn’t come!”

Something my mother will never understand, why we greeted each other like this.

“Why not?”
“My brother.”
“What happened to your brother?”
“A dog ripped his finger off and then I fainted.”
“What the… How did that happen?”
“I was at the dog school together with my brother and one dog was very aggressive. And then it happened.”
“Oh my God. I hope you are good, though?”
“Yeah, I am okay. Yeah. I was in the hospital.”
“What the heck, how many days?”
“Until yesterday.”
“Come on. Not really. Where am I working recently?
“Yes, Spaichingen. But another station.” (that’s the town’s name)
“Which room number?”
“137”
Then I noticed some goose pimples rising on my skin.
“And now Stephany, imagine, it was exactly the room where I walked by that moment.”
Only now I am noticing she’s looking at me with big eyes.
Can you wait for me, I just want to tell my friend, I need my handbag.
I want to share more time with you.
Let’s look at the different parts here. What happens?

“I’d like to tell you something. But I don’t know if you will still like me. Because it sounds a little bit strange. And all my female friends now think I am stupid and don’t talk to me anymore.”

We reached a point where she wants to share something really private.

And she also tells me:

“But I don’t know if you will still like me.”

She fears you won’t like her anymore when she tells you about that. Because her friends now think she’s crazy.

“Can you wait for me, I just want to tell my friend, I need my handbag.”

“I want to share more time with you.”
She invests emotions and time into you.

She notices you understand her and this part of her reality and she feels understood and is not being judged. And you don’t laugh at her or make fun of her. Because she tells you something about a belief:

“If I tell someone about my visions they might think I am crazy and don’t want to talk to me anymore.”

She is scared to lose you again and she’s also scared of you may be thinking that she’s stupid or crazy, too.
Not everyone thinks like her and can’t relate to this. Explained from another perspective, hers, she tells herself that it is strange and not so easy to understand. Not for everyone.
Many of us will feel the urge to tell her to think positively now.

“Think positive. Don’t be so negative.

“I guess they still like you, they were just scared for a moment. And if you think positively you will see all will work out in your favor. And I believe in your visions. I am sure you can convince them.”

Sounds like this is a good idea, right? Because you make a suggestion to be positive again.
But only if you make a suggestion about not being so negative anymore she can’t just change her belief.
Clear now?
No?

Then let’s try to explain the same thing from your point of view.

For example, maybe you’re not a good drawer. You are not very good at visualizing things and draw something out of your mind. It doesn’t work.

It might also be:

Calculate numbers in your head, remember faces or names. No matter how often you try. You tried for years even. It might improve a little bit. But it seems you can’t really change it.
You don’t BELIEVE it will work for you.
And then I come up talking to you:
You tell me suddenly about it, that it doesn’t work for you.
And let’s assume I would say:

“Think positive, don’t be so negative, sure you can do it. Try harder. You will find a way.”

You might think:

“Oh my gosh. Did he even listen? Did he even understand WHY I can’t do this? I tried this so many times. So many months. Doesn’t he want to understand?”

And it feels disrespectful.
It feels as well as I don’t accept you.
And a part of you feels rejected.
And if it happens again you will be much more careful if you still tell me about your beliefs.
If I fail again talking to you about this you might not want to talk any more about those. You tried everything. It’s your reality. You can’t make it work. No matter if I tell you to think positive or not at that very moment. Because your negative belief has grown and strengthened itself by your experiences.

And for you, it’s like I telling you: “Come on change your reality. You can do it. How? Damn!”

This can be the cause of:

• a discussion
• an argument
• going back surface
• conversation dies down
• sentences like: “No, you don’t understand”

If I notice someone is rejecting my beliefs, no matter if he doesn’t know or not, then I don’t like to talk about this anymore. Because like everyone I am very careful about that.
Because this person rejects a part of my personality. This person is judging me.
I keep them private.
Because: This person doesn’t make the effort to understand me and my beliefs.
It might happen once in a conversation though to many people.
But if it happens more than one time during one conversation I assume that this person doesn’t have any idea what’s going wrong.
Here things will come to the surface that show how we work. What’s deep inside us. Things that are buried deeply. We open up in a certain way.

This is why it is so important to be careful and show a lot of empathy doing this.
Don’t use the sledgehammer. Of course not. It’s about relating and putting yourself into the other person’s shoes.

It’s about shifting the focus to direct it to the other person. Always steering deeper using nuances.

11. Wrong Mentality – Perception

One time I heard two guys talking I had known for a while. About two blonde girls that they just had approached. And they were talking loudly.

“How was your talk with her?” said one of those.
“Stupid. Blonde bimbo. Like almost always. and for you?”
“Not my type either.”

I just wanted to walk on where I suddenly by coincidence heard the girls talking to about those same guys.

“Hey, Mel. Why did you act like you were this dumb girl when that guy approached you?
Sometimes it’s almost embarrassing.”
“Sarah, I don’t really know. But I think it’s to protect myself.”
“They never could have had an idea you got a Ph.D.“
“Yeah you know Mel, it’s when I give in to that conversation, and maybe we would start dating, then he could really hurt me. But now I know he didn’t even make a real impact to get to know me. So he could only hurt that dumb blonde girl. And not really me. It doesn’t really matter now.”

Here you see that the first impression might be completely wrong.
Especially if you don’t make the effort to get a closer look.
One of those two girls was even aware she’s not showing her real personality at first.
And she’s being judged by superficialities:

“Dumb blonde bimbo.”

What I heard draws a completely different picture.
If I would be convinced that women are always lying I will find proofs that hold up that belief and make it stronger. If I turn it completely around: Women are always telling the truth and I am convinced, I will always find proofs that strengthen this belief as well.

My advice is:

Keep your mind open. Get rid of all the judgment. More and more. Gradually. Distinguish it.
See the world through your own eyes and build your own opinion. As far as possible.
Don’t just add the opinions of others to your reality without thoroughly verifying them.

12. Feigning Interest

Don’t fake interest. It might work to a certain degree. Sometimes even further than you think. But real genuine interest always has a lot more impact. Just give it a try.

If you don’t do this your talks always might have a somewhat bitter aftertaste. No chemistry is build up. Pay attention to this. It’s a very honest connection. If you’re still faking you will be searching for what to say or what questions you could ask and might be running out of things to say.

The right mindset:

Imagine the woman is wearing a mask.
This is natural. She doesn’t wear it on purpose.
And you make an effort to see who’s hiding behind that mask, the real person. And her real personality.
The woman can see if your interest is real, genuine.
Another analogy I came up with when I talked with a friend about this:
Imagine she’s a gift. Imagine you want to get to know her. It’s like Christmas or your birthday.

Do you know the feeling when you hold the long-awaited present in your hands and you want to unwrap it? And you celebrate unpacking? You love that. You don’t rush. More and more you see what’s in there. You enjoy getting to know the woman and her personality.
To get rid of her facade, seeing behind that mask.

You could also say to get to know a woman is like you see a book or a DVD. You want it. You like its cover. That’s also the first thing you perceive. It’s only surface, surface, surface, surface. Only the looks. What are you really interested in is the story of the book or the movie. And if not: It should! Besides charisma.

With all emotional drama involved.
You don’t want to fast forward and only watch the last five minutes or read the last chapter. No.
But why we do it with women then?
You want to have the whole story.

13. Repeating everything she says

„I was in Australia last year.“
„Really, You’ve been to Australia?“
„Yeah, I always wanted to see Ayers Rock.“
„Wow, You saw Ayers Rock? Is it really so read?“
„Yes, erm… I need something to drink. It was nice to meet you.”

If she’s into parrots she might buy one.
I guess you need no explanation here, do you?

14. Wrong energy or velocity

Could you imagine having a very private deep talk to a woman and you’re talking rapidly and very loudly all the time? For sure not. It’s not the right context.
Romances always have an aspect of slowing down things. You talk quietly. Calm. Slowly.

15. Emotional Dead End

If you notice she’s giving something very private, give something back. You might be aware that only her parents or her best friends know that. Or no one knows. Maybe only you now. I know you’ll like that because you wanted to talk so much about yourself anyway. Now you can! Do it. Remember to not use an emotional voice. Talk emotionally distant. Not like it really affects you, so she knows you’re already over it. You don’t want her pity.

Give something back. This can be your opinion. A story. A very private or intimate one.
Look at the example of Stephanie above. To get a more precise idea.

“I’d like to tell you something. But I don’t know if you will still like me. Because it sounds a little bit strange. And all my female friends now think I am stupid and don’t talk to me anymore.”

I encourage her to tell and she tells the story. I say again that I don’t judge and I tell her one of my stories that are equally intimate. I give something back. Now I am making myself vulnerable too because she could judge me for that as well. But I know it won’t happen.

She understands the subcontext. Because it’s relatable now.

16. Wrong Tonality  – Story Telling

Imagine you’re talking about your time in high school may be or about problems in your parent’s house and you tell her about that.
Normally it’s good to tell a story with a lot of emotion, tonality, rich descriptions, more colorful, louder, more details. But not here. Not this very moment.

“Yes, my parents often made fun of me and said: Our Erwin has two left hands. He’s so stupid. He’ll never learn to play the piano properly.”

You might think and want to tell: “I found that awful and it hurt me a lot.” in a whiny tone, maybe sobbing, seeking approval.
Then she might think you are not over it.

“But now we sit here and you’ve even watched my concert. Thanks for that.”

Not emotionally involved then she knows you got it. You’re over it. This story is just part of your life, your past. It’s almost like it’s been in another life. Because you didn’t create an identity of that. No ego.
If you would tell it with a whiny tone or exaggerate it in any other way negatively emotionally you will repel her. Why?
Why? Because they then indeed compassion will have with you – for a moment – then they will probably search a way to get away fast. It communicates you are not over it, you’re still a little guy and not a man. She doesn’t want to be a mother for you. She’s searching for a real man.

Again: If you can just say it normally then this is a very good sign that you’ve grown, sure it happened, but it doesn’t affect you anymore. You can tell the story effortlessly.
If you still would, you wouldn’t be perceived as you learned out of that story.

17. Interrupting her thoughts

If you made her think, and suddenly there is a long silence, don’t interrupt her thoughts.
Enjoy that you made her think. Even if she’s still quiet. Lean back. Relax. It’s a good thing.
Maybe you even see how she’s thinking. And she’s trying to say something.
Still silence. Nothing. No sound.

You think: “Oh my god, the conversation died.”

No! It didn’t.

You think: “I have to say something!”

No. She has to think. Maybe she never had to answer this question before. She has to think about how to explain or how to say.
This is way better than all the others just asking:

“Where are you from?”
“How old are you?”
“What are you doing?”
“What profession?”

and she shoots answers at them or just bored tells about her work or her hobbies because she thinks now she has to explain all the little details for people that don’t know.
Lean back, stay relax and enjoy yourself you made her think.
From another point of view:

Yes, silence might create tension. But you can choose how the tension affects you.
Either you perceive it as being scary. Then you will try to rush things.
Or you can just own the silence and enjoy it.
It’s perfect. Let her think. No matter if she needs ten seconds or ten minutes.

18. Superficial Commonalities

You think you must have superficial commonalities! No, you don’t have to at all.
If she’s dancing, you don’t have to dance to be able to connect on a deeper level.
Yes, you read it again: It’s all about showing real genuine interest.
Show interest in what she’s doing while talking or in general.

“What I really do is dancing ballet.”
“Cool, you must be very flexible.”

or

“Cool, I watched Swansea.”

It’s her passion for over ten years and that’s all you can come up with? She doesn’t have to do it.
But she’s disciplined about it and has developed a great routine.
This is another way of rejecting what she offers to you.
This will also let the conversation die down, it’s like the desert dries and no water is left anymore.

19. Connecting incorrectly

Some little things that can make a big difference as well:

Instead of asking:

“Where are you from?“

You could also say:

“Are you French?“

Instead of asking:

“What are you doing that very second?“

You might ask as well:

“Let me guess, You wait for Robert your secret admirer. You met him on tinder, and he wants to meet you. That’s good because your feet hurt from shopping and you need a coffee, this would be perfect. And you’re wearing very red shiny shoes and he’s wearing a blue t-shirt. Anyway, I guess he won’t come. Because of some Aliens…“

This could be a very funny interpretation to make her laugh. So you got more to connect from because it’s very like she contributes to the talk now. And from there you can go deeper again.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s nothing wrong with asking about:

“Where are you from?”
“What are you doing?”

sometimes.

But everyone does this.
And it might not be the right moment.
Why not optimize your whole talk?
This is how the interaction becomes more personal.

20. Interview with pressure. Yeah, Baby!

“What do you do for a living?“
“I am security at the airport.“
“Where are you from?“
“Italy.“
“And tell me one of your hobbies.”
“Reading.“

What a great conversation? Well, not really. No!
The whole pressure is on her. And you are only taking. You don’t really contribute.
No matter how she responds you only fire up the next question.
Permanent pressure.
Something really similar, what many men do, and I admit this even repels me as a man,
the same story, the same woman, the same man, from the very start:

“What do you do for a living?”
“I work at the airport as a security.“
“Oh cool, my niece works at the airport too, she tells me
always funny stories, what had happened, very interesting.
“Where are you from?”
“Italy.”
“Very good. I love Italian pizza and lasagna and all kinds of pasta.
I also have a small statue of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. My buddy was in Rome, he said it was great.
Tell me one of your hobbies. “
“Reading.”
“Oh, I love to read. I have the book by Ken Follett, it’s very famous, what’s its name again?
Never mind, I just can’t remember at the moment. And there is still a new author I want to read, well, so um … “

Sounds better than before, right? If you got that impression:

“For sure, yes”,  no!  Sorry!

Yes, it is a little bit better than the interview. At least you take something to contribute something to the conversation but everything is only related to your reality. Not to hers.

Did you notice she doesn’t really talk much here?
It’s a talk like tell me something, give me a keyword and You will relate it to your reality and only tell your stories. If even. What do you know about that or do I have a buddy that is involved in that topic? And then you’ll talk about this without including her. It’s like you against her.

Not good.

This will lead to events where you always have the urge to say something:

“Oh there was that topic, now I could say that.”
“Oh there’s again something, now I could say this.”
Another try. No, didn’t hit.

If someone talks to me like this, I would have seen this as a very strange talk where there’s no chemistry. Later I would have considered as impolite when I was conscious about what happens there. Until I took even a closer look and noticed people are just not aware of this. They just don’t know. This is why I won’t judge them. Those who watch closely and reflect talks can learn to have much better interactions with people.

If I notice it doesn’t work that way with the other person I will let the conversation die and say politely goodbye. Heading for the “exit” of the conversation.
It repels me. It’s like poison. Deadly for any conversation.
But how to improve all this?
Ok again. Rewinding and restart:

“What do you do for a living?“
“I am security at the airport.“
“Oh cool, my niece works at the airport too, she tells me always funny stories, what had happened, very interesting. But she also tells me it’s very stressful at times. How is it for you?”
“Yeah, that’s right, sometimes it is stressful.”
„Hmmm sounds interesting like you’re telling that. Sounds like you speak another language, too. You are… Polish. Because you’re rolling the r slightly.“
„No, Italy. I am Italian.“
„Very good. I love Italian Pizza and lasagna and all types of paste. I got this little statue of the Pisa tower.
My buddy was also there and said it’s great. Where you are staying when you’re in Italy I don’t know, maybe also in Pisa? I never was there yet. How is it to be Italian? Some Italian say we Germans are too insipid. No fire.“
“No, I am mostly in Rome. How I feel about being Italian? I can talk without thinking because I am not really in my head, all day long,
I am not shy and this is why we talk now.”, she smiles.
“Tell me one of your hobbies.”
“Oh, I love reading, too. Sometimes I just wanna dive deep and forget everything around me for a while, being in another world.
How is it for you, why you enjoy reading so much?”
“Sounds interesting, umm, Ralph, right? No, mostly I read travel guides or books on self-help. Because I love being on the road and always looking for new destinations. This is why. I wanna learn about the mentality of people. I am like…”

Now the quality of the talk is way better and only by using some little tweaks.
You give her more opportunities to link to and don’t reject everything, you relate it back to her.

21. Qualification – Take away the opportunities to qualify

22. Distinguishing the little Flame

It might also happen that she tries to say something and you talk and talk and talk. She wants to interrupt you and is just too polite or too shy to do it. This might happen to men that always talk a lot and fast. But you won’t let her. She might find intriguing what you say. And you keep on talking with the same speed and energy. Make pauses. Stop talking sometimes. Be aware if she wants to talk as well. Be attentive.

23. Telling her you didn’t think that you got that right

You notice now how the talk is moving deeper. It works! This is so amazing and suddenly you blurt out:

“Oh, I didn’t think it works so perfectly now.”

Don’t say that. It’s like you would want her to notice that can do it.
If it isn’t a situation where you are actually practicing your skills on connecting deeply, don’t say that.
It won’t be good to say that. Just enjoy that you got it there.
Smile for example, instead of saying it.
And if she asks you why you are smiling you can even tell:

“I just enjoy our talk.”

Because it doesn’t happen so often or is very comfortable.

24. Sticky

Sometimes there are topics we don’t know much or anything about.
We don’t know the related keywords or expressions or words. And our mind loves to stick to those words.

“You know I made a virgula and then Balance Toupé and then we both collapsed on the floor because I mixed up my feet. The floor was just too slippery. THAT was yet the most embarrassing moment in my dancing career.”

Sure it’s about dancing. At least we will know when we have read the whole passage.
But what’s a Virgula? Or a Balance…what? What’s the name of the thing again? I forgot. Never heard before. Only some. Sure. Some of you even dance Kizomba.
Sometimes it happens to me too: My mind wants to know, what is that?

“Hmmmmm, Virgula sounds a little bit like Virgin, Virginia. But what is this all about, about a virgin or something?”

And while I am still thinking she was continuously talking and I don’t know what I missed.

25. Yeah yeah I know, but I just forgot how to explain that at the moment

Men. And women. In that case both genders. If you’re reading this, if you don’t understand something, just say it. I encourage you to do this.

Konfuzius said:

Admitting that you do not know something is knowledge!

26. Hmm… Mexico or Brazil or, no, but Maldives or…. wandering thoughts!

Sometimes also this might happen:

You’re having a deep talk and suddenly your mind wanders off. You smell some delicious food, through your nose, this good smell, and your soul and your belly are filled with hope:
Food! And the world will be bright again because the black hole in your stomach will disappear again after a while and it stops sucking the sunlight into it. Depending on how long your attention span is, your mood, or your energy, it just might happen occasionally.

Just tell about it:

“Sorry, I didn’t listen for a moment. I think it’s very interesting what we’re talking about , but my mind was wandering off. Sorry. Can You please tell again? I just wanna hear it.”

This is now of course not a carte blanche to be inattentive during a conversation, but it can happen and then you can mention it and apologize. We’re all human. We make mistakes. That’s normal.

27. Facts

This point is not really a pitfall. You can’t really fall into it.
But I want to highlight from many possible angles what you can do to get a conversation going.
You might even do everything I tell here right. And still, some people won’t tell you much.

What’s the solution to that?

It’s very counterintuitive: Tell facts.
She doesn’t want to leave, she seems to be well. Comfortable. But she doesn’t really open up.
Now you can simply state facts. If she’s from another country you might tell about facts or rumors
you’ve heard.

If she might be Mexican for example:

“I heard Karina in Mexico can call me ‘Novio’ when I got to know her father and he tells me he’s ok with that. Is it really like that?”

28. „Close the gap“

We had that before. But here’s a little bit a different way to close the gap.

If you’re always hearing:

“Very good, Dr. Freud”
“Are you a psychologist?”
“Are you into studying human behavior?”
“Are you always trying to do this?”
“You are such a great observer.”

(Always going along with some irony normally)

And everything that might be similar. What does this mean?
This is a sign you might be rushing like told before.
Or you haven’t been subtle enough.
On one side making a long statement should be good, but without enough context, it’s not.
You have to find the balance. It won’t work like this. You have to close the gap.
You should have been talked some sentences until you do this normally.
You should have been talking about some sentences surface level to have some context.
Just imagine someone approaches you and says:

Her: “Hey, how are you?”
You: “Good, and what about you?”
Her: “I guess you’re a very polite man, but sometimes very impatient, what your friends don’t like about you. And you’re very creative at your job and you make unusual suggestions, that first has been rejected. But somehow you learned to include them. You just did it and didn’t ask anymore.”

I would question myself: “How can she now?” after a simple “Hey, how are you?”

This doesn’t work. It’s fake. Very phony.
But if you have a hook you might still make it work:
For example, you talk to her about a chain or another highlight you perceive and make an assumption based on that, and relate it back to her.

Here again the headlines from this articles as a summary again for a quicker lookup:

1. The Wrong Mindset – pushing her to do something
2. It feels strange and this is why…
3. Uncalibrated rushing
4. Intimacy
5. Friendzone
6. Vague Statements
7. Snatching the Theme
8. Superficial Connection
“Matrix, but only part 1, the other ones of the trilogy I don’t like.”
9. Rejection
10. Judging her believes
11. Wrong Mentality – Perception
12. Feigning Interest
13. Repeating everything she says
14. Wrong energy or velocity
15. Emotional Dead End
16. Wrong Tonality – Story Telling
17. Interrupting her thoughts
18. Superficial Commonalities
19. Connecting incorrectly
20. Interview with pressure. Yeah, Baby!
21. Qualification – Take away the opportunities to qualify
22. Distinguishing the little Flame
23. Telling her you didn’t think that you got that right
24. Sticky
25. Yeah yeah I know, but I just forgot how to explain that at the moment
26. Hmm… Mexico or Brazil or, no, but Maldives or…. wandering thoughts!
27. Facts
28. „Close the gap“