I just wanted to say thank you again for your invested time in which I got to know so much about conversations and conversation starters,
the needs of people as well as much about myself!
This knowledge fundamentally changed my life! I would not be where I am today.
I would not stand here with confidence like I have here now.
Through this knowledge, I became much more aware of what I am doing.
I notice it every day as I make decisions differently. This would not be possible for me to do if I had not met you.
Every day I discover mistakes of me, but also mistakes of strangers, and usually notice in a split second why this conversation leads nowhere.
And I realize why some women lose interest during the conversation and can cope with such situations.
I have a repertoire of possible
- response patterns
I won so much life quality from you and what you offer through your own ambition on this topic and it’s really priceless. I am so grateful and happy about that!!! 😊
I thought you should know and be reminded again
that you are a unique person doing exactly the right thing!
I am incredibly happy to know you and to be among my friends. 🤗
Greetings from Canada☺💫🌲
When you’re building trust by establishing a deep emotional connection to create an environment of security for the two of you.
Why? Because the person you’re talking to will realize more and more the following things:
- You don’t judge.
- You’re listening actively.
- You’re accepting.
- You’re not rejecting.
- You’re not differentiating.
- You’re not changing the topic.
- You don’t just talk over your conversation partner.
- You don’t try to be right.
- You give space to talk, which means you’re silent.
- You don’t pressure. You enjoy the silence.
- You keep it secret. (Between the two of you)
So what this does all mean? Which impact does it create?
Let me start this with another question:
Have you ever felt like you wish you could talk to a person about everything and not fearing to be rejected or judged?
So you know you could even show your most vulnerable side and won’t feel like someone stabbed a knife into your heart?
Tell me when you faced an opportunity like that for the last time. This year? Last year? 10 years ago?
And how many times you would have the chance to do so? I bet a lot.
This does a lot of things:
You can suddenly talk about yourself. Openly. You can up open more and more over time.
You don’t have to hold back anymore or act. You really can be yourself.
There is enough space and there is no pressure.
This Space is Created From Two Sides:
One is like not pressuring, not judging, not differentiating, not be put in a box.
Like all those relate to not restrict you as a person.
And the other part is about showing genuine interest and finding out what you’re all about.
Like extending the perception of you.
If you tell this:
“You know I used to bully my siblings.”
There is no:
“You’re stupid. Because you did that.”
When you tell that:
“I feel like life sometimes suffocates me”
then there is no:
“Just think positive. You really should know that! Come on. You can do it.”
There is only:
“I can imagine that this is not easy for you… because of…”
Or you if you tell like:
“You know I have this stupid habit of…”
then there is no like:
“Yeah, I hate when people do that. Please stop that.”
Instead, there is something like:
“Yeah and I can imagine that you need a lot of courage to tell that to someone because they might immediately say, like: ‘Oh my God! You’re so stupid. What is this shit? Grow up!’ Or something like that.”
There’s only still genuine interest asking for the why? How it makes you feel? And what type of person you are?
And there’s also no:
“Pheew. Look at that person. No way I am gonna talk to someone like this.”
Now just imagine there is still that thing in your mind. Let’s for example mention that you’re very into spirituality.
Especially like one part healing stones. And you want to talk about that with someone.
You tried before with your best friend but he said:
“Sorry, I don’t believe in that bullshit.”
And Suddenly You Can Let Go and Relax
So it does make no sense to talk ever with him about that again. Especially because you already tried several times.
Therefore you decided it’s to no avail and you stop trying.
And suddenly there is this person. This guy. He might even tell you:
“You know, Mariah, sorry. I don’t believe in that. But I really want to know what it means for you.
Tell me. Because I don’t really know much about it. To admit. I am willing to learn.”
And he said that in a very friendly tone. You start to talk and you notice nothing is coming up that forces you to hold back.
No. The opposite is the case. He even wants to know more and how it affects you.
After a while, you have the feeling you can tell everything.
Now you collected some of your courage again and are opening up even more.
You tell about things you’ve never imagined you would have the opportunity to talk about.
What happens? The conversation flows. You relax and notice that you can finally be yourself.
How someone said to me:
“It’s amazing that something like this exists. That people can come to each other and share. No one rejects any part of you.”
And therefore you feel highly appreciated. You feel accepted. You feel heard.
As well as a sense of love comes into play and with that also some sort of peace.
Relaxation, because there is no need to hold back anymore or to think about the words in a way
where you have to think carefully so would not be judged. No. Now you need to think because you might never have talked about those topics. It’s very refreshing. If someone explores a deeper side of yourself.
It’s real. It’s rare. It’s raw. And it gives you the feeling of tremendous security.
Many times conversations are toxic.
This is literally healing as well and very pleasant at the same time.
So use this to make people feel at ease when talking to you.
They will love it.
And so do I.
You had any story that is connected to that topic you want to tell me?
Write it into a comment or send me an E-Mail.
I will relate to building a connection between man and woman here as well.
But be aware that it is universal. It also works for friends.
You can learn to consider all those issues at once. But don’t see it as a must. For sure every consideration
will improve your daily conversation with other people.
If that’s too much at once consider at least 4 of them.
Especially number 3 is very important.
Furthermore, just continue reading and don’t forget to subscribe to the newsletter.
This is how to get closer:
Reconnect to yourself.
You are only able to connect as well as you’re connected to yourself.
So it’s good to increase every possibility and use your faculties to reconnect to yourself first.
Meditating is very helpful to strengthen your inner focus and cut the stream of repeating blocking thoughts.
You basically pull the rug off the stream of neverending reoccurring thoughts,
by taking perspective on them.
Get out of Your Head to be Present
If you’re going out I don’t assume you’d like to meditate to be present, therefore a gimmick to switch off your thoughts might be very helpful.
Let me help you with an exercise:
Just ask yourself:
Get Rid of all thoughts and possibly judging Images occurring when encountering someone you might not feel attracted to.
Longterm speaking you shouldn’t even have those thoughts anymore:
“Gross. She’s ugly.”
Also, this should be gone later:
“Oh my god. She’s fat.”
At the moment it’s ok to have those thoughts if they occur.
It’s not helping if you suddenly start judging yourself because of those thoughts.
Just become aware when those thoughts sneak into your consciousness and try to meditate.
Let them exist. Do not try to push them away.
But detach from them. Let the resistance and attachment go.
Close your eyes and travel back into your childhood.
This is about joining your inner younger scared child and showing him that it’s not alone anymore…
You can read more in
See behind her Looks.
You’re always with someone not with this person’s looks. With what this person is all about. Their substance so to say.
Or easier: with their character traits, charisma, behavior, emotions. Also, looks and appearance are partly a product of self-esteem.
Collect the Courage to Rip off her Mask.
What you get to know at the beginning of her is usually not her true self.
But what she normally presents to strangers. Especially in the beginning.
It might be good to protect ourselves in the beginning and not showing our most vulnerable side.
We want to feel that we trust the person we’re talking to before showing our vulnerable side.
There’s no point in showing all frankly from the beginning.
Find out what she’s all about.
You want to know what she prefers doing and why. And not just what or how.
Because the “What” and “How” is often a byproduct of the “Why”.
Her culture, what she is feeling, her motivation, and her personality.
It’s all part of that.
Find out why she’s doing this.
Asking “Why” always asks for the motivation
If some people can drop that paradigm then they get inspiration.
They do not need a “why” anymore.
Inspiration is most likely to kick in if no motivation is needed anymore.
Ask about Dreams, Goals, Wishes, Visions, and Childhood or the relationship with her parents.
Normally I wouldn’t recommend that long-term, but it’s nevertheless good to learn.
When starting this is totally ok.
Make a conscious decision that you’d like to build a deep connection with her.
Because now you got a direction where you want this to go.
And this is why your subconscious can help to go down that road.
Without this concrete direction, your autopilot will not know where to drive and you’ll find yourself
in a haze, mist, or the clouds, but never where you want to go.
This we want to avoid here at all costs.
Be genuine and open.
Trust is closely related to honesty. If you’re not genuine then your not honest.
And with this, there occurs a problem. Because to whom your conversation partner should create a deep connection?
With your bravado? For sure not. Or with your true self? That’s an easy answer now: Yes.
Be yourself. Be your best self, if possible. If not, just being yourself is already enough! Don’t judge yourself.
Show your personality as other people know you.
For example when you’re with your family or your best friends.
Where you can relax and be completely you.
If she’s asking: “What kind of person are you?”
Don’t reject that or make a joke. Now it’s really time to talk about you. Give her a relatable open genuine honest answer.
And if you’re already made a joke – too late – no, I mean: Just now be real. And tell her.
if you’re still joking and refuse to be genuine you’ll kill the flow of the conversation.
This will result in the talk becoming superficial again or go down the drain.
Don’t let that happen.
Approve Your Conversational Partner.
Approval has something to do with respect.
Everything she tells you is ok here. There is no room for statements like:
“I think that’s stupid, you have to be more positive.”
Sometimes we have beliefs that are negatively anchored.
And just because you’re suggesting to think about those differences,
they can not be easily changed in a matter of a few seconds.
You will notice yourself if someone treats you like this because then you feel:
Doesn’t sound very good, does it?
Pay Her a Compliment That Includes WHY.
You can for sure show by doing so that this is pretty unique. What does that mean?
Compare them with others that did not make the mark.
For example, choose one of her character traits and tell her that you noticed.
Let’s have a closer look at an example:
Michaela, you have unbelievable energy and friendliness that you give to people serving here still at 2 a.m. in this chaos.
I’ve rarely seen someone being like this. And above all, you have a genuine smile on your face. I like that.
I do not like those people who always put on such a fake smile.
I prefer genuine. Thank you for that.
There is no judgment. But an opinion. About how you see things.
So this means not to judge or convict. But still, tell your opinion does not contradict.
This point is quite similar to the previous one.
Validating means to make a well-founded compliment
Be Easy to Talk To.
If you sense that she has a hard time contribute more to the conversation you might help her.
Sometimes we might have a hard time explaining such things, even if we want to, right?
We might have been asked a question and have to think about how to tell. Find the words.
But at the same time, it is a beautiful thing,
And we will remember. Take your time, you can think as long as you want. I won’t push you.
If so and she mentions that she’s still searching for the right words, you might ask her. Because if she doesn’t know at all how to say it,
then you’re showing that you’re still attentive and you get it. And again you got something to talk about.
First Seek to Understand Then to Be Understood:
I am always witnessing many conversations. Almost always the man wants to be understood first.
Just turn it around. Do not give up on seeking to understand.
According to a principle mentioned in Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
Of course, it is also worthwhile to get to know the other 6 Habits of Highly Effective People.
Share your opinion if possible.
You can still express your opinion anyway. But not to impose or evaluate her.
What’s your opinion on that, Linda? I don’t like mountains that much. I prefer the see.
In your case mountains seem to be much more prominent. Have you always been like that?
Stay Focused, Don’t Just Change the Topic.
If you’ve inspired her to tell you everything about playing the piano, her greatest passion,
then you do not tell about your own experience and that you no longer like it.
At least not without relating back to her.
Don’t Keep It Superficial.
Do not stick to small talk. Just because you do not want to go deeper.
Because you may have been hurt once before,
Because it scares you or you think you cannot get rid of her again.
Not even because it might be too intimate.
Or you think that you will be exploited or be put into the friend zone.
The simple rule of thumb is here: trying is better than not trying.
Do not ask questions to dig but to find out about her personality.
Do not just ask:
“Where do you work, Chantal?”
and then follow up with: How long? Where exactly? Where are you based etc.?
This will not be of much help.
Because you’ll get to know everything about her job. But not about her as a person, nothing about Chantal.
Ask questions including both, here’s an example:
Would you say your job helped you to be a better person? Because you had to acquire new skills?
Or you just acquired them but they only help you in your job?
Do Not Rely On All Public Information About How to Build a Deep Emotional Connection.
Most websites provide advice that often makes sense but cannot be executed.
Let Her Finish.
If she’s been thinking for quite a while and now almost going into a monologue,
then do not interrupt it, but give it your consummate attention.
Besides, it’s not really a monologue. Because she’s sharing.
I admit. If this happens, I enjoy it.
One of the longest conversations was about 7 hours. Without interruption.
Besides, if you get paid a lot of compliments because you’re an amazing conversationalist, just enjoy it.
At least you know now that you’re able to listen actively. Because you didn’t really talk that much.
However, you created the space and environment to be able to communicate without being judged or rejected.
There are not many opportunities nowadays to do so.
If she obviously is thinking, do not interrupt her.
If she starts thinking, do not interrupt her. But continue to give her your undivided attention.
Fingers off your phone.
And imagine if you were in her shoes that very moment, would you not find that rude as well? Well, see.
So keep your phone where it is. Silent.
Match The Energy.
This means: If she’s talking slowly and calmly and not very loud, it’s not really a match to talk very fast and almost scream into her face
like being in a nightclub. Adapt your energy level.
If you are not talking right now, you can also match her breathing.
This is a little bit offtopic and more related to NLP.
There exists the principle of pacing and leading.
What means to adapt to certain traits of your conversation partner.
This is called matching aka pacing. And when you see you can match,
this establishes a connection and after a while, you can
When you see that they are following you can take the lead.
You can match the breathing or tonality. Words, gestures, mimics, posture, or energy of the vibration.
If She’s Sharing Something Very Intimate, reveal something very intimate of yourself.
You always were impatiently waiting to also talk about yourself? Now, this is an opportunity to do so for sure.
To show that this is no one-way road when going along with you.
Tell her something of an equal intimate privacy level.
Why? Because have you ever experienced you share something very private and nothing came back from
your conversation partner? This might leave a very strange feeling.
It’s like you present your heart and they’re still wearing their armor.
Be Interested. Not Interesting.
Don’t fake the whole thing. Be genuinely interested. Especially in the long run.
If you’re just starting to learn, accept if it does not come across as very real all the time.
I give that to you.
But every time you’re trying to make the conversation deeper try to build your interest muscle.
Be aware of you want to learn how to be genuinely interested in someone.
Longterm you should have learned to really bring realness and interest into a conversation.
This means you really want to know why she’s doing what she does, what she feels doing that
and what type of person she might be.
What to do if you do not know how to show genuine interest:
If you really want to get to know the person you’re talking to on a deeper level, just imagine she’s the gift you’ve always been wishing for. And now you’re slowly unwrapping it. And for sure you want to know what’s in that box and now you’re holding it in your hands.
It’s really a great feeling you’re giving your conversation partner. And she will appreciate it very much.
Relate Back to Her
When you’re genuinely interested you don’t search for a keyword in what she’s saying and then blurting out everything about the keyword topic you didn’t have an opportunity to talk of for such a long time.
At least if you do so, get back to her topic. The thread she was talking about.
Otherwise, you will not give her the feeling of being listened to.
This will make an amazing difference in your conversation and be highly appreciated.
If 2 or More Persons are Talking to You Right Now.
So if she’s saying:
“Oh please, do that with me, too.”
Just don’t. A deep emotional connection is something very private.
Yes. There are a few exceptions. Where you could do so. And then it would make sense.
If you’re interested in that just write an E-Mail to relate to your specific case.
You will not do so just to please her. You will only build a connection with one of them.
They will appreciate it even more. Because this is something very private, intimate, and personal.
Do not refuse what she reveals to you, but always gratefully accept it without exception.
Also, show interest here. Everything that is revealed to you,
you just try to understand.
Do you love cars as a guy? Then you might know details about every part of the car.
You know what it is. What it does and why it’s applied at that specific place.
So you know about every part and how they work together.
Exactly like this, you want to know who she is as a person.
You only show full acceptance and are giving her your undivided attention.
And you’re also providing the atmosphere and a judgment-free environment and space
so she can virtually walk on the red carpet. Where the conversation can grow.
This means if you don’t hear or understand: Just ask!
No one is born a master.
You need to practice. That’s totally fine.
It’s also ok if it feels strange in the beginning doing so.
You’re just about acquiring a new character trait.
Because you most likely never experienced that type of conversation before.
Or it was just a coincidence.
If you’re showing real interest everything is fine.
There are 2 possibilities:
a) Learn it very slowly. Then you can be authentic all the time.
b) You accept being uncalibrated for a while because you’re acting congruently to the new you
that will be able to connect more deeply.
Most likely your name is one of the words you heard countless times in your life.
If someone is screaming our name we’ll turn around.
Even if it’s a stranger.
For instance, if someone happens to carry the same name
like you do.
And almost no one does this anymore. It’s so easy.
“Hey, Tom. Really good how you shot that goal.”
This has much more impact than just a flat:
“Hey. Really good how you shot that goal.”
For sure you have to find the sweet spot here as well.
Don’t mention the name after every sentence. This is weird.
Neither just one time.
At least one time in the beginning and one time in the end.
If you’d like to apply a technique first:
It’s always good to mention the person’s name if you would end your sentence with
a question mark or an exclamation mark.
So if you’re still saying it too much then: Watch out if you’re asking one question after another.
If you almost would end every sentence with an exclamation mark, you might try to be a people pleaser.
If you do not understand what she’s sharing, just ask.
No one is born as a master. She’ll never know everything.
Neither will you. And that’s totally fine.
Just get used to asking. Make it a habit.
And yes. There might be conversations where you have to ask after almost every sentence.
So what? That’s fine, too. If you’re genuinely interested that’s totally fine.
But don’t use the questions as tools to dig for something. This something no one likes.
Because this will pull the rag out from under.
Don’t look away.
Only if you’re thinking about something. Because then your eyes may want to move.
Let them move. Otherwise, your glance might be forced and the mood will go down.
When your thinking process is finished, keep eye contact again.
Come from a place where you want to be sharing.
This means, if she’s telling something, you want to share that experience with her.
Together. Don’t push or force anything on her.
Your mindset is tuned in to giving and sharing, together.
If she’s entering your private space, just smile!
So if she puts her car keys or her cell phone too close to you,
if you are facing each other at the same table,
do not see this as a barrier but as a sign of confidence.
See how she reacts when you smile as soon as she gets something in your private area
sets. Maybe she even puts her hand there.
Do not try to reinterpret her life experiences.
Even if she expresses something negative, usually it is not appropriate to say:
“Think positive” or something like that.
Be fully present and give her your full attention
Looking at your phone or constantly looking around is not nice.
Tell her, what you can derive, from what she’s giving to you.
What does this mean? Take an observer role and tell about her.
Quite simply stated: When she’s laughing, tell her that you like how happy she is.
If she is still awake at 2:00 am
“Hey, you have a lot of energy!”
If she listens to the street musicians and compliments them,
to donate something to the poor woman in the village and generally offers help to people:
“Wow, you are a really giving person.”
Talk to Her About Her.
“Tine you have already experienced a lot of things in your life.
I do not think there are many people with the same amount of life experience at your age. It’s very interesting to see your level of maturity and awareness you have already gained in these young years.”
Let Her Tell First. Also From the Very Start.
If she wants to contribute more than you, from the very beginning, let her do that.
Maybe she does that because she already likes you anyway.
Or you are exactly her type.
You may also have said something that motivates or inspires her to talk about herself.
That’s totally fine. Lean back and relax.
Enjoy the conversation.
Try to see others as they are. Unfiltered.
This point really needs to be practiced thoroughly and it needs time.
This contains several elements:
– See the human being
– Free from culture and common prejudices that person perceive
– Listen unfiltered
– To be present
These are all elements that have been or will be mentioned in this article.
I’ve just come up with a quote I’ve read somewhere once:
Respect is like the air a conversation needs to breathe.
Without air, the conversation suffocates.
What does to be tactful mean? This summarizes several of the previous points.
You understand what’s going on in her.
You let her tell without interrupting her.
You let her think without interrupting her.
You are aware of the sub-communication of your sentences.
You give her the space to tell about anything that comes up.
You express your opinion without imposing it on her.
At the same time, you also show that you still respect and accept their opinion completely
Be aware of your sub communication.
If you say something about her, this may tell a lot more about you than your words themselves.
If you for instance mention:
“I just love playing ice-hockey so much.”
and you say:
“Ok. And which sports you’d really like to do?”
Those words can backfire.
Because who says that she has to do another sport just because of your opinion?
That’s her decision. It is about understanding here first. Full acceptance as much as possible.
Especially while there is still mutual respect in the conversation.
Don’t judge or evaluate her.
Also important here:
Not even in your eyes is a glimpse of judgment to be seen.
There are no negative thoughts.
That should be your goal here in the long run.
Do not condemn yourself, even if such thoughts come,
just watch them. Become aware of them. Write them down.
Because then you can recognize the pattern to eliminate it over time.
Eliminate does not mean to displace. But the opposite.
Pay attention to your thoughts, the consummate attention of watching.
Often, thousands of thoughts are linked to a feeling that won’t let go of.
Try to show her, you understand what’s going on in her.
You can understand those things. And you do not just want to express your opinion or force it on her.
Make Statements About Her.
If she does not really respond to the statements because she’s shy or introverted,
just mention a few facts.
That can be things from her country. If you happen to know her nationality.
Just the opposite which leads to a deep connection.
Why? Because you should first get into a conversation at all.
Avoid Small talk.
It may also be that she’s going into a small talk by her means.
As previously mentioned: Do not make small talk all the time.
If she sticks with it all the time, change the course of the conversation slightly over time.
So that you are starting to get to know each other better.
Connect on an emotional level.
In many tips online they say: search for similarities. Usually, this means superficial similarities.
That could be ok. But not necessarily. Why? The reason WHY you like a certain country could be different in your case and her case.
She might value another definition of freedom as what it would mean to you.
But maybe you both like to be in nature because you do not feel so restricted then.
For her the reason is probably:
“I just love to be outside, not always inside, where there is no daylight.”
And for you:
“I just love to see the landscapes and watch the sunsets.”
Make big talk, as Kalina Silverman says in her Ted Talk.
Skip or don’t even make small talk, but rather go deeper.
Try to get to know her. Do not stay surface level.
When you talk about things that you might actually be able to see,
I play football.
If someone is playing football, then, of course, you can watch and perceive that.
But if this person has the discipline to go through regular training,
You would only know that for sure if you could observe him/her for a long time during training.
The terms that are talked about are thus abstract. You can not see or touch them.
Quite frankly said.
Ask Questions that Are Determined to Go Deep.
Dare to dive deeper. And no, that’s not too intimate. You want to get to know each other on such an intimate level.
And no, you also do not slip into the friendship zone as long as you do not try to play her psychotherapist.
Even better: Make Statements about her.
Derive facts about her from what was talked about in the conversation.
For instance, if she’s been playing the piano for 20 years, she’s doing it with a lot of dedication and passion.
Dare to say something like that, even if it seems weird or the statement may even be wrong.
She will be very happy about it. If it’s right, she thinks it’s impressive.
If it is wrong, she will be glad that you are so interested in her.
Don’t focus on results, just enjoy being together and the conversation.
Do not try to connect because you’re hoping for a certain reaction in the interaction.
Do it because you genuinely want to do so. Because you want to experience her, get to know her, and share time together.
As a byproduct what you’d normally expect to get a result from will most likely happen anyway.
At least the better you get the more likely it is.
Don’t force it. Just let it arise.
Try to listen. NOT to solve her problems. You are not her psychologist or psychotherapist.
As mentioned before: Yes, we men are often problem solvers. Everything has to be solved.
Forget about that topic. Very quickly. You are not suggesting how to change her beliefs.
If she really wants to, she can do something with a psychologist, psychotherapist, or a self-help course.
But you do not have to suggest that either. Just be there. Try to listen and understand.
She does not want problem-solving, but just the feeling of being understood.
Do You still think it’s weird to say such things as suggested here? Get over it! Just try.
Yes, at first it feels weird because we men are not used to communicating such emotional things. It is our nature, however.
Why are we sometimes really afraid of that?
– Because it makes us vulnerable.
– Because we do not want to be judged. We become vulnerable.
– We are not used to it.
– It’s also like a muscle that wants to be strengthened.
We no longer learn how to be empathic these days.
Compassion in the sense of empathizing with what is going on in the other person.
Enjoy your time together.
The whole thing is not a competition. Take your time. Don’t rush it.
You establish an environment where the two of you can create beautiful memories. Together.
Unfortunately, such moments have become rare these days.
And, it’s really not too far-fetched to say
It’s like a piece of Hollywood for the moment.
Really. Pure. And unadorned. Only more sustainable and real than in the movie.
If you’re still not on your own and the conversation gets more intimate…
Find a place where you can talk without anyone nearby. Because she or you, you both might want to talk about things that only the two of you are sharing. It’s not determined for the ears of others. It might even be too intimate to share with your best friends. That creates closeness, trust, and support. Especially if you meet it respectfully without evaluating your interlocutor.
Be curious about her inner world. You don’t just want to know if she loves freedom,
but you also want to know what it means to her.
You want to know the impact on her. How does she define it? How does she handle it?
Which is: you want to know thoroughly how her world works. In every detail.
That’s one possibility.
Only such a word can be enough to elaborate on a while evening or even longer
Don’t be one of them anymore saying: “I am sure you love freedom.”
No, you want to be that one that mentions it like this:
“I love to see that freedom contains something that you want to share with others.
Basically sharing your freedom with others. That’s pretty amazing. I think I am going to steal that from you. 😉
I’ve never known anyone before seeing it like this.”
If you don’t know how to go deeper yet, steal one of those 3 questions:
Get them! To be able to connect better:
1.) “What’s the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you, Marie?”
(Of course, you call her by her real name and don’t call every woman Marie 😉
If she does not want to respond immediately, THEN it’s time to give an example of yourself.
But then relate the topic back to her again.
2.) “Did you acquire your discipline through your hobby (work, etc.),
or have you always been so disciplined?”
3.) “What would you do if you had one million and did not have to work anymore?”
Listen with your heart.
This also has to do with having access to your feelings.
Rely on your feelings and your intuition and do not hold them back.
Feel what you feel when she talks.
Hear what you hear.
Sense the sensations.
Do not suppress it, let it arise.
Show real compassion.
Again, a quick guide, because many boys and men just do not know how to show that.
Don’t worry, I also was a beginner once. Everyone can learn it to a certain extent.
That just means empathizing with the other, and then quite a few judgments are thrown out of the window
and suddenly you have an insight into the emotional world and the inner world of your counterpart.
Respect the values and limits of the other part.
Show: You are not rejecting any part of her during this intimate moment.
No one does like to be condemned for opening up and being ruthlessly judged:
“Yes, that’s why I always like to wear corsets.
That’s just … well, as some do not get rid of the alcohol, I can not get rid of this.
My parents say I’m stupid and ruining my health.“
So, if her parents already condemn her, then hold back.
She’s tired of it already if the people that you expect the most emotional support of are rejecting what you like.
Believe me. She knows enough people to condemn her for what she’s doing.
Be the glorious exception and refrain from it.
So you are the opposite pole here. Who does not judge her negatively?
But on the contrary, accept everything and show you are genuinely interested in it.
Be loyal and trustworthy.
Don’t share with anyone else what the two of you were talking about. Not even your best friends.
What has been said is meant for you only.
Provide her with a safe place for her feelings, her person, and her motivations or inspirations.
Make it clear – if the conversation is meant to continue someday – that still the same environment
will exist. Even beyond this time. A place of retreat.
Full of acceptance and backing, recognition and validation.
Paired with respect.
Find her core beliefs.
This is just about finding her most deeply rooted why.
Pay attention to how she expresses things.
If you happen to want each other later again, she will probably use the words
“I am looking forward to seeing you again.”
“That sounds good to me.”
There are many more possibilities.
From now on have an eye or ear on it. 😉
Don’t misuse what you’re learning here.
Do not connect, so you have a woman afterward, going after you like a puppy.
That’s not what it’s supposed to be and do for you and it will not work. Because you act based on a dishonest motive.
Making a deep connection with someone is a very honest thing. So it only works if you are honest and open.
If you get reactive, just say sorry, I just totally reacted. That was not on purpose.
So you share if your subconscious mind has just remotely controlled you.
This is part of open and honest communication as well.
Avoid saying something that communicates directly or indirectly:
Oh, this emotional connection stuff really works.
And avoid such phrases as: Oh, I did not expect that. Great!
There are enough indicators that will indicate if you do it right.
As well, if you don’t do it right.
However, the most important indicator is:
Your conversation partner is still there and wants to continue talking to you.
Do not reject her opinion on something. Instead, try to understand and accept.
Do not push her back. Even if you think that their opinion of something is ridiculous or completely incomprehensible to you.
Her thinking may be totally different. Because that’s her. That is not you.
You probably don’t want to experience either, if someone is viciously rejecting you, just because this person doesn’t like what you’re doing. Especially if you’re talking about your biggest passion in life.
Be aware that a conversation about religion, politics, philosophy, science is not necessarily an indicator of a deep emotional connection.
Sure, a deep connection can emerge using those topics.
But it’s not guaranteed. Lead the conversation deeper.
Just slowly dive deeper.
While having lots of fun with it.
When the conversation becomes superficial again, you bring it back down.
This dovetails to the previous point. The talk becomes superficial again? Go back down. Diving.
If you master the game of connection better, you can allow yourself to go higher or lower on purpose,
as you like it. The woman will then normally begin to talk in-depth again.
She wants to experience more of that feeling.
Try to feel what the other person is feeling.
If you are completely in the moment then you can also feel what your counterpart feels.
pick it up and let it guide you to understand what’s going on in your conversation partner.
Be prepared, if you’re mentioning something along the lines like:
“I understand your feelings.”
be aware that even a bitchy reaction like “YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THAT”, could be the response.
That is justified, overall, if you never have been in that situation before.
And of course, there are. Then, understandably, it’s a bit harder to adjust.
Then accept her opinion.
Of course, if she’s too harsh, you can also tell her to watch her tone of voice.
Be open to going for that deeper connection with her and do consider it too intimate.
Many guys are afraid that you are getting (too) close (and intimate).
Too close does not exist in this sense. Either you come closer or not.
Too intimate is just a mental blockage in your head.
Empathy is like the bigger sister of a connection.
It means to consider all things: Time, environment, circumstances, and so on.
Not just deriving from what is being given to you. But put it into a bigger context.
Actually, I’ve already added compassion in here before.
But here again from a different angle.
Compassion is not pity. But in the deeper sense, try to perceive the feelings from their point of view.
Be aware of the implications of creating a deep connection.
A deep connection is sustainable. It does not last for just 2 hours or 2 or 3 days.
When so much “substance” and authenticity is exchanged, you get to know each other very differently than if you just keep small talk.
That creates an investment on her side. That means: she will want to see you again.
Trust is deepened and built up. Nevertheless, it can of course easily be destroyed. Be aware of this.
Skilled people having mastered making wisely created statements assumed, a deep connection can be created in 30 minutes or less.
It does not have to be superficial again as if you have only been running Smalltalk before until you have the conversation
go back down. No, she will even expect it from you. She wants you to continue talking on a deep level.
Fulfill your expectation and give both of you the gift of a wonderful evening by leading an inspirational conversation.
Keep the conversation running and do not rudely stop it.
Of course, you can always decide to end the conversation.
However, if your goal is to get to know her better, it is not advisable in my opinion to end the conversation very abruptly.
If you’ve talked for longer then that’s a different situation. At some point, every conversation is over.
Do not hold small talk all the time. That conveys disinterest.
Most men just seem to be unaware of the fact: If you keep making small talk all the time, it signals the other person:
Let’s not invest too much here. We have no chemistry at all anyway.
Most men are shocked when becoming aware of this issue.
They often do not recognize the pattern.
Make the conversation sustainable – Add substance
Make sure the conversation gains substance pretty quickly. You’ve been reading the whole text so far? Wow, impressive. Then do not stop here. 🙂 What is substance? This means you will learn something about each other very quickly.
So, on the one hand, do not incite the conversation, but be as brave as trying to learn something about her.
Who is she as a person, how would her friends describe her, and so on?
So do not just listen actively. but listening that way, she realizes you want to listen to and understand everything. Because you are interested in her inner world.
You can repeat individual sentences or fragments of it with your own words aka paraphrasing.
She will notice, understand and be happy about it.
If you are more advanced, you take it, bringing in new statements at the same time.
If you are still advanced, then … read the text first. 😉
Do not just say “yes” if you think you understood.
Use paraphrasing, which is: repeat again important parts with your own words.
You can also do something like this, e.g. mention:
“Did you know, this is the first time someone told me? I think that’s really interesting.”
Imagine, you would have known each other for a long time. It is important to feel that way.
Imagining already knowing each other is always a feeling in the end, different for everyone and you perceive this feeling in your body. Between the belly button and throat, so to speak. Sometimes in the back or even in the hands which is much rarer, but can happen.
Be aware: you are afraid of connecting. That’s why you sabotage the connection or do not consciously continue.
Keep the goal in mind to build a deep connection during the conversation. This is your course. Don’t change your course.
Just try it for a while and enjoy everything that happens.
Imagine you would be her and trying to see the world (her inner world) through her eyes.
This point also relates to the point of empathy above.
Imagine you really are being her. Being in her body. And she hears you talking while she looks at you.
What experience is she currently having?
How does she hear your voice?
How do the feelings in her body, which you transfer, as a conversation partner, arrive?
How does she react to you?
How does her breath now feel for her and her heartbeat?
Invite her into your house.
This does not really mean your house you’re living.
But why should not she have so much space and freedom in your world that she could not quite expand on it?
So give her the space to expand everything in front of you, without having to hold back.
Your house is big enough for both of you. It can contain anything no matter how much space it needs.
Don’t tell “I would like to you to be this way” her anymore.
This is totally out-of-place with a deep emotional connection.
This is about:
Neither her nor you are creating the conversation.
At least not on your own. No, you create everything together. Be aware of that. There is something in common that you share.
The same applies here. The whole thing is more than the sum of its parts. Just let it arise and give it all the time and respect
the conditions that the conversation needs to be able to emerge that way.
Remember what she’s giving you. Also for later, when she wants to relate back to.
This is also a part of active listening.
Just let me add to not just to soak it in but ALSO memorize, being able to recall what was given to you.
Because otherwise she or you will come back to a previous topic and you both no longer know what it is all about
or longer can find a common denominator?
This is not exactly pleasant and will make the talk going down the drain over time.
With no intention to go on anymore.
If she happens to bring out the best of you and the worst at the same time, it’s okay to let it just happen.
She discovers something about you or your inner world that she even may describe correctly, or actually inspires you to let it out.
Though… because you want to judge yourself, you do not want to tell what’s coming up in you right now.
Then it is super comfortable, when you realize, even if you start to tell that she continues to show genuine interest and tells you:
Hey, Holger, it’s ok that you think and feel that way.
And do not let others persuade you that this is wrong.
Do you see? It is really ok to share. If you got more references under your belt,
you begin to feel like a fish in the water.
A beautiful experience.
If you do not like something about her, how can you reframe it?
Just tell her, the good things you can derive.
For example, if she wants to give away a car for poor parents and their kids, say goodbye to your judging thoughts, like:
…If she will be doing that all the time she might never have enough money for herself…
Find out which character trait helps her acting like this.
Sabrina, you’re really incredibly generous and giving. Did you learn that from your sisters?
Because you used to share everything and even today you’re still sharing everything?
Be Yourself. No Acting.
Sometimes we don’t feel appreciated and accepted if we show who we really are.
In this case, that’s exactly what we want: Show who you really are. Even if you fear being judged.
Be vulnerable. By showing yourself. Like you are. No acting.
Do Not Just Try to Establish a Connection Because You Try to Get Something From Her.
Don’t connect because you want to get a result. Or a coffee for free. Or a kiss. Or.. whatever.
Connect because you really want to get to know the person you’re talking to.
Then just trust that you’ll benefit from the interaction.
And you’re detached from having to create a positive result.
Let her be the way she is. Do not push any part of her away.
Even if you talk about her, do not say “I” all the time.
Instead, use sentences containing “you”.
Put yourself into her shoes, before considering your perspective about yourself.
Because: We humans like to relate everything back to us and then thinking:
When it’s my turn?
Hey, do not worry. If you signal enough interest,
you will have plenty of time to elaborate about yourself to convey your personality even more.
Find your own vocabulary and expressions that both of you clearly understand.
You are creating something new here. For some very empathic people,
even something like your own language is created.
They use the same words as you.
But the words have gained a deeper meaning.
A woman once said:
“I think that’s very interesting, you know, it’s like a curtain.
Someone could listen to us. Pay attention to the words. Yet they would not understand
what we’re talking about. Only then, when they look behind this curtain.
I love such moments. Unfortunately, they are so rare. Thank you.“
Be connected to your feelings.
Don’t suppress them.
“Yes, I will try to ignore these feelings in the future.”
No, that’s a bad idea. Be fully present with your feelings and be with them.
Be present with them. Emotions have their legitimacy. That’s why they exist.
We have often learned to suppress negative emotions in the Western world.
Seen this way, there are no negative feelings. But they just are there sometimes.
They are our teachers who want to tell us something.
Accept them as a teacher and your friend.
Even if that may be hard for you as a man at first.
Draw conclusions about them
Treat her the way you want to be treated.
You could just consider this as being respectful.
However, there is something more to that.
Everyone has their own values and limits.
They want to be respected, too.
Thus, if she accepts your values and limits,
then also accept hers.
Love yourself the way you are.
Only as much as you love and appreciate yourself, you can also bring these feelings to someone else or share them with other people.
So learn to accept yourself again.
Kizomba is a great way to learn how a deep emotional connection can be established as well.
You will notice, with some dance partners you immediately are establishing a connection.
Even without words.
So! Well done. You did it! Amazing!
Any questions? Just add a comment below.
Or send me an E-Mail.
Well erm… Yeah. Seems like I was lying to you. You find more than 101, even 107 possibilities here meanwhile,
how you can establish a better connection.
If this is too many for you at once, you can also look at these articles:
- Want to improve your conversations big time? – Just do this:
- Get into the bathroom! And stop eating!
I hope you liked the article and overall helped you to improve your conversational skills.
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And share it! 🙂
Good communication – suitable for building a deep connection between people –
is an important and valuable skill that is hardly ever properly taught and learned.
The more potential is lacking the bigger the difference it can make.
It’s like giving water to a thirsty traveler in a desert.
Holger is a natural, self-taught, and master trainer in this field.
With him as a coach, all social lights are green.
– Tobias M.
Let’s be honest:
Do you know those 36 questions? (And there is one question more, read on…)
Almost everyone has heard about the 36 questions to make someone fall in love.
It’s about reading those questions aloud to each other. Everyone has to ask AND to answer them.
But what you most likely don’t know:
Why do they work?
Because you are most likely to end up sharing very private things you might not have even shared with your closest friends.
It sounds a little bit crazy. And not enough with that. After reading the questions aloud and sharing what shall be shared, there is one thing left:
Look into each other’s eyes for 4 minutes straight.
This should make strangers fall in love.
An experiment that was invented by psychologists, honed into a process ensuring falling in love.
They are separated into 3 parts.
The questions get more intense during the process. Just seeing them in written form seems almost to be innocent. But that’s not the case.
When you start thinking about the answers you’ll give to your conversation partner a lot of emotional investment is at play.
It gets intense.
Normally a lot of coincidences lead to an intimate relationship over time.
The question compress this time frame to give you a narrow path to walk on to connect.
But it’s a very rigid framework though.
It’s a given set of questions to supercharge the connection and therefore creating intimacy and love.
Do they always work?
At least if you’re not a victim of saying this:
The questions are also not superficial and boring like this:
Where do you work?
What do you do for a living?
Do you like it?
Is it difficult?
This is not inspiring while it doesn’t intrigue your potential partner to open up.
But it’s very different with the set of these 36 questions.
Every answer can bring up more questions, thus the floodgates of talking and getting to know each other open big time.
It brings a lot of structure into the evening and throws the awkward silence out of the window.
While it also sheds light on things you will have in common without even being aware yet.
Questions about things that no one knows about you yet.
Therefore it creates intimacy.
Here are the questions for this set:
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Those are even more related to your identity.
This means: Who are you as a person?
1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
2. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
4. What do you value most in a friendship?
5. What is your most treasured memory?
6. What is your most terrible memory?
7. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
8. What does friendship mean to you?
9. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
10. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
This is clearly about togetherness.
Being a couple.
Figuring out things together.
Sharing intimate things and turning a “me” and “you” into an “us”.
Those set of questions has been created by Dr. Aaron as part of his study
because he wanted to figure out how to make people fall in love with each other.
The New York Times even shared a podcast that is called:
You can listen to it here:
1. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …”
2. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …”
3. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
4. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
6. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
7. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
8. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
10. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
11. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
12. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
And I’ve added a question number 37: (3 x 12 = 36 + 1 = 37)
13. Do you like horses or dolphins? Why? What characteristics that they have can you see in your partner?
Take your partner’s hands in your hands. Hold them. Clasp your fingers.
And now look into each other’s eyes for 4 minutes straight. Don’t break eye contact. Hold it.
Want to fall in love? Just do this… Did it work for you?
What also is guaranteed by the structure of those question set:
You don’t hurt the 4 important points:
1.) Waiting for the topic referred back to you.
2.) You won’t think: Do I get it?
3.) Neither will you think: When is it my turn to speak?
4.) And also this is kept away: Am I being tested? – Did I pass the test?
Because you would be basically thinking:
What does this have to do with me?
Because many times we are not aware when talking to another person:
Which experience do we give our conversational partner and in this case potential partner or wife-to-be?
Thus we often rip the rug from under the conversation and basically, all positive energy goes down the drain.
Enjoy your evening. In this case: Definitely alone. At least not with this potential partner. This is gone.
If you want to know more about these common issues, just figure out how to improve your conversations big time.
Don’t let coincidence lead you to rare success.
Did you fall in love or was Dr. Aaron wrong in your case?
Share your experiences.
What’s your experience with this?
Leave a comment below.
P.S.: You can learn to create such questions yourself instantly and spontaneously.
As well as you can master to do the same without interrogating which is also possible.
If you are already on the road to build deep trust, try to avoid the most common pitfalls.
This article is about becoming aware of what to change when talking to someone.
And how to improve conversations with people in general.
You’d like to talk with them. Not at them.
Because all in all you want to give the conversation a vibe of being a team and collaborating.
Not competing. Collaborating will help you emanate nice and clean energy that people are picking upon.
Competing will make them feel negative energy. An energy-sucking vibe.
No one likes that. But normally it is not talked about.
To shed some light on these facts you’re provided with this article.
Think about what others are experiencing, don’t just think about yourself.
Build and increase your level of empathy.
What do most people think when you’re talking to them and how do they behave?
Therefore I’ve assembled 4 points here.
If you consider and implement them this will change
a) Your perspective of people big time.
b) Their perspective and opinion of you too
c) Completely change your awareness level to a much higher level in the long run.
Those 4 points are:
- Waiting for the topic referred back to them.
- Do I already know what it is all about? Okay, I got it. Don’t need to listen to the rest.
- When it is my turn to speak?
- Is this a test? / Did I pass the test?
Let’s elaborate more deeply on those now.
1.) Waiting for the topic referred back to them.
This is what most people got running in their head when you’re talking to them:
They’re spinning their thoughts like:
“It’s all about me, me, me!”
“How does this relate to me? ”
If I was your average Joe and you say something that doesn’t relate to me,
I’m just going to block it off.
“When do we talk about me?”
“When it’s going to switch to something else that refers to me?”
“When do we talk about me?”
“My favorite topic: Me!”
Let’s take an example to make this even more clear:
Let’s assume you talk to someone you’ve just met.
And suddenly you’re talking about holidays. Vacation.
You: “You know I’d love to go to Hawaii again. It’s so beautiful. Especially the sunsets.
You can’t imagine the colors when it’s getting dark. So awesome because…”
Average Joe: “Dude, that’s nothing compared to Finland. You have to see the white nights there and the light.
Dude. That doesn’t impress me at all. Because I know that when I was in Finland…”
Now he’s going to share his own experiences instead.
You nod and think, yeah, but I wasn’t finished telling and you try again:
You: “Yeah, thanks for sharing. What I just wanted to add: You know that feeling when
the sun is lowering itself and suddenly everything is soaked in golden light?
This feels like…”
No, Joe doesn’t wait until you’ve finished. Because now he got triggered again.
“Come on, Dude. I told you. Why you don’t listen to me? And if you didn’t know,
in the desert it’s even more awesome. Because when I was there…”
Now he even told you that you didn’t listen. He seems to see it like that.
And he goes into his life story.
And seems to even be aware of that, though he interrupted the conversation
the thread you’ve created first, so at the moment he’s the one not really listening.
It isn’t you. Because all you wanted to do is to finish what you’ve told
and THEN listening to him. Right?
This is often the reason why people might say:
“Okay, dude. I’ve got to do something now. Have a nice time. See you later.”
You say that, but no way you mean it. Because it doesn’t make sense anymore with this person.
More on this point you’ll get when you read about the most common pitfalls.
2.) Do I get it?
As soon as someone says something and they get it, they’ll just cut off the rest.
They just don’t listen to the rest.
They just won’t.
You: “You know what is meant when someone says: I got no time for that right now?”
Average Joe: “Sure, they mean that they’re busy. I get it.”
You actually wanted to elaborate more on the point that you just found out,
that it means due to your level of awareness that they set their priorities differently.
So they don’t slice a time off for this thing and therefore will tell you that they got no time.
You: “No, I wanted to say that it is due to their priorities, because…”
Average Joe: “Yeah, right. I got my priorities too. I get it. Let’s change the topic. What do you think about the political corruption in our country?”
Now you might even think: Does it even make sense to continue the conversation with this person right here?
No, more probably it’s over!
Read more about how to prevent this here.
3.) When is it my turn to speak?
This one’s huge.
That’s actually the point where guys rip the topic off of you
and go into their life story when there’s a trigger word.
Guys just waiting for their turn to talk.
WHEN DO WE TALK ABOUT ME?
Is she done? Now I can talk about what I want to talk about.
Her: “I don’t know if I have time to meet you this evening. Maybe next weekend?”
Average Joy: “Yeah, I often also have no time to meet, you know, because I got my new position offered at work.
And I am trying to build my own business and earn…. oh, I’ll have to plan for my sister’s wedding as well.
So what about tomorrow?”
There is not even a single question why she’s suggesting next weekend. Instead, he’s talking about
why HE is so busy. No word about why she is so busy.
This leaves an atrocious feeling in your body. Both sides will feel an emotional sting.
Especially the one who wants to talk about something first. If you don’t become aware of this,
your conversations may always come to the same dreaded end.
So no one really likes that. Do you want to know even more? Then read on and implement the tips at the end.
4.) Am I being tested? – Did I pass the test?
Remember the Hawaiian example of point one, I’ve integrated to show how people want to relate it to them.
This is always valid to this point.
Not because Mr. Average Joe is talking about himself. No, further, he tries to vie with you.
This is why his story is designed to be better than yours. Which instead lowers his value.
You: “The temperature here is very crazy.”
Average Joe: “… In Egypt or Cyprus, where I was last year, it’s even crazier…”
And the average Joe thinks it’s helping the conversation.
In reality, it does not. It just lowers your value. And people sense that immediately.
If you’re really listening or drifting off.
Because if you’re “guilty” to hang on to one of these 4 issues you’re interacting
through these filters and this just kills your value and you come across as this very unlikeable person.
For example, let’s imagine you’re starting to talk about something that happened to you.
About an issue that occurred while you were being on vacation, for example,
they don’t even talk about the issue itself. They keep bringing it back to themselves. And thus kill the flow.
They feel as well like this is a competition this their story has even to be better than yours.
Oh, dude, that’s nothing, you won’t even imagine what happened on my vacations, it was much worse, because…
This kills the energy. Sucks the conversation dry and if it gets even worse depletes the respect
and kills the flow as well. The conversation fizzles out and it’s over.
If you don’t get this down, you’ll never get to a higher level.
The crazy thing is, what will people say that really understand the importance of those 4 points?
They will agree and say to you how amazing this works.
What if they don’t? They will listen to a bit of what you’re all about and then they drop off.
Avoid those 4 pitfalls and you’re good to go.
This will improve your negotiations, relationships, conversations, and therefore your quality of life in general.
Create a Little Experience for Yourself
Just right now as an experiment for this week as well as to implement those 4 points:
Watch conversations that others are having.
And you’re going to see like this little hamster in their brain going like:
What does this have to do with me?
On and on.
Find out: When do they try to relate the topic to them?
When do feel like being tested?
What happens so they go into their life story?
Can you see their mind racing: When it’s my turn to speak? Oh, now I can talk. Because there was my trigger word!
Have fun. Tell me what you’ve watched and how these tips changed what you experience.
P.S.: When you’ve implemented the tips or even could need some more advice, a good point to continue is to read about the
most common pitfalls.
What is this post all about?
Kizomba is derived from the Portuguese word “Kizomba” and originates in Angola, Africa.
Normally I am talking about how to use the words and then to use the vibe to emphasize the connection.
This should be a subconscious thing with time. You shouldn’t necessarily feel the need to think about it.
And since I am always was posting about: “How to talk.”
I’ll also give you two tools to get more out of your head, therefore you can feel better.
Another tool will be useful to increase your presence, when you’re fully in your body you become even more aware of all the sensations in your body.
It is this time about: “How to feel.”
We deal with the vibe here. The emotions. The sensations.
Kizomba works a lot with touch.
To be even more precise:
You couldn’t even really dance kizomba without a lot of touching.
Connect with your Body, Mind, and Soul.
In the long run, this is all about getting thoughts, words and actions aligned.
This means: You want to dance. You want to feel. And if you’re even thinking, then just about this.
It takes some time to master this dance. Yes.
But only seconds to feel something you might have never been aware of before.
Especially if you’re not a dancer.
So I advise you: Give yourself a chance and try a kizomba course.
Almost every bigger town near you offers a trial course that you can take part in for little or no money.
Connect with your Body and your Feelings.
Here you will learn a lot of things.
Just imagine you’re attending a course.
So you’ll have to choose a dance partner.
“Everyone finds a partner now. Commands the dancing teacher.”
Ok, there is this woman over there. You find her kinda cute.
Now you’re instructed about the position.
There are two ways of holding each other.
The man may use his left hand to hold the woman’s right hand.
And the upper body, let’s say the torso touch. Without the gut.
As a man, you will basically be taking responsibility for leading completely.
Respect each other’s, Private Space.
Not everyone can let a stranger into his private space.
This might more often be the case for the woman. But you could also be the one as well.
You will immediately feel if the woman is willing to let you come as close as it is needed for the dance.
If she’ll hold you back, respect that. The slightest uncomfortableness of the woman means for you as a man:
Back off. One step back. Never force it. It is something powerful. Not forceful.
You will notice in a matter of seconds if there is chemistry.
You will feel it in the vibe. The woman might close her eyes if she feels secure in your arms when you’re doing the lead.
What does this mean for you? Just demand that she is emotionally open to let the two of you dance very tight is not enough.
You have to open up yourself, too. Otherwise, you’ll create a lot of distance and not togetherness.
Connect to your emotions. Feel her. Literally. With your body and your mind. Let’s say: Put in your soul.
Let’s say: Put in your soul and your heart and let your spirit do the rest.
Try to get out of your head
To really be able to fully feel what’s going on, I give you two things you can do to make this a lot easier.
How to get out of your head instantly.
Are you someone who’s always in his head?
If history is an indicator: You are. Definitely. A lot. 🙂
Let’s change that right now.
There’s a trick that will basically short circuit your brain and in turn, shut your thinking process off.
That means your subconsciousness will immediately take place and do the work for you.
In other words: Your thinking mind is a lot slower than your subconscious.
I bet you had a lot of moments in your life when you were not thinking at all.
And could even tell that if someone would ask you for that very moment.
Ok, here comes the tool:
To make your think process shut off, you have to say yourself a question that your brain will never be able to answer.
Because it is always changing due to your brain. I know. Sounds a little bit woo and crazy.
And this question is:
“What will be my next thought?”
Your brain will start searching and never know.
Therefore a little moment of silence is introduced in your mind.
Try it now. Stop reading. Ask yourself this question.
You can also slightly change it:
“Which color will have my next thought?”
“Which sound will have my next thought?”
“Which smell will have my next thought?”
Just wait. Until the next thought comes.
If the next thought comes, give yourself a short break and accept that the thinking process is kicking in again.
Now: Do it again. 🙂
Try it up to 10 times for now. You’ll see the length of the silent moments will increase.
Depending on how much you’re normally in your head, the first try might even give you only 1 second of silence.
Or it might be longer. This is different for each and every person and depends on where you’re at as well.
Activating your charisma big time
On to the second tool.
Now you might get out of your head, but not necessarily into your body.
You have to increase your presence. But how?
There is an easy trick:
Concentrate on the feeling in your toes.
This will literally make your brain sweep from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes
and bring you instantly more into your body.
Do this only for some seconds before the two of you are starting to dance.
I guarantee if you’re doing it right: you’ll love it.
And she’ll love it too. Definitely.
Control – How do I know I do it right?
That’s a very good question.
If you’re doing it right and you’re implementing all the things mentioned above,
you will get a very good feeling that transfers onto her and everyone looking at you will see a happy smiling couple dancing.
If you’re smiling and it seems to be for no reason, then you’re doing it right. It comes effortlessly.
Here you can see it as well: She’s smiling. She loves the energy between her and you.
Just enjoy it!
Now you might ask:
What else do I have to know or do?
Nothing! Sometimes it is just time to not learn anymore but to enjoy.
Because you will learn to get very connected to your feelings.
Thus this will make your dance partner very happy because the empathy and the chemistry are there.
So you create that feeling of togetherness. And she and you can let go.
Reminder / Checklist
- Find out where is a Kizomba trial course in your town or near your town.
Attend it. Just do take part in the trial part. To get to know the dance and what it is all about.
Don’t cop out and push through.
- Respect each other’s private space. Don’t force. Back off if necessary.
- Practice getting out of your head.
- Increase your presence.
- Watch if the two of you start smiling once just because.
P.S.: Kizomba is Passion.
Sometime before I wrote an article about: What is an Emotional Connection?
Why an Emotional Connection?
You might ask. And I will be happy to explain to you. 🙂
An emotional basis is very important for any kind of relationship.
No matter if it is in business, personally or with a friend.
I guess you are very familiar with those types of conversations where you had a blast with someone else and you exchange numbers.
Maybe you even call the other person some hours later.
And you ask yourself why?
You might have had loads of fun together that’s true, but:
Who is the other person? Do you know her really better now?
And does she or he know who you are? Do only you know? Does only the other side know?
An emotional connection is the foundation for a long-term relationship.
- to get to know someone
- Deep Connection
- The wish to see each other again
- Being relaxed when being intimate
Mostly you might tell a little bit about yourself or will hear a little bit about yourself from the other person.
Or you might make the mistake to talk too early about yourself and distinguish the little flame.
Don’t do that, please. Give the other person space to be herself and to tell about her.
Introduce pauses as well, so she can talk back to you. Give her time. Don’t make the silence awkward.
Or it’s the other way round. Very unsharp, right? What do you get out of that?
That’s the same level of sharpness the experience of the togetherness is. Bare to none. Very unsharp.
It’s important to dissolve this unsharpness and to bring it to another level.
Many books, seminars, and courses state the same:
what you say is not important, more important is:
HOW you say it.
I will clearly add:
It’s ALSO important WHAT’S said.
That it is ALSO important WHAT IS really being said will become very clear here.
Emotions can trigger thoughts,
thoughts can trigger emotions.
It’s about experiencing each other’s reality. And penetrating it.
And not only stating and relating everything to your own reality.
It’s not an emotional one-way street, no dead end.
It’s togetherness. A team in harmony. That gives space.
It’s a place where it is safe to be oneself.
I’ll show you how you can create an honest deep relation with another human being.
And also the pitfalls that might prevent this.
Many people don’t learn any more about how to make the important step.
They don’t want to risk anything. Because they don’t want to lose. And not to win anymore.
Playing not to lose is preventing everything.
Playing to win is risking something.
As a man, it might always be a little strange for us to build a deep emotional connection to someone.
Because we’re not so connected to our feelings. Especially if our upbringing took place in Europe for example.
Many countries here don’t raise us men to be very emotional. The opposite is the case. Don’t cry. Don’t be sad. Don’t be angry.
Don’t be proud. Don’t seek approval. Don’t this. Don’t that. Don’t everything.
This confuses the shit out of us. If we shouldn’t do all these things, what do we have to do? No one tells us. No one seems to know.
And the ones that seemingly know often times will be debunked as driven by their ego. They just appear to know that. But they actually don’t know as well.
And therefore they don’t create the effort to move away from superficial conversation to a profound conversation.
They keep it light. Smalltalk. Like showing them I have no interest whatsoever. And this is not what they even want to communicate.
They WANT to keep it longer. They WANT to keep it lasting many times. But to no avail. They fail.
To find the right way to start this is not even that difficult.
But how to bring it deeper from there?
The Inner Frame
If the place you’re coming from is not the right one you will create a certain level of impact that can be quite strong.
But you’re still away from the full potential of impact this skill can create if you really master it.
So it’s important to have the right mindset about that.
It’s not about forcing the other people involved in the conversation.
It’s not about spilling them over like domino stones to convince them.
It’s about sharing what you offer.
This will only work from the right place and the correct inner-frame.
Now you might put the question:
Can I get there?
Sure. No doubt at all. And I will help you and lead you to get there.
I will show you the differences for the better and how to get there and accompany you from the very first step.
Empathy means putting yourself into the other person’s shoes. See yourself from their perspective out of their own eyes.
You will notice at least two things:
- This makes a lot more things relatable
- You get rid of judgment on many levels. (Not on all levels though)
- This will show the other person that you got a great social awareness level
- You can basically feel what the other person is feeling at that very level
- You start talking to her about where she’s at. Not where you want to be.
To show you the topic of empathy from another angle you need to have mastered the first steps already:
To be able to build an emotional connection
That means you’re coming from the right place by already having absorbed the right mindset.
You’ve already built the skills to go deep.
You’ve added the vibe to emphasize everything.
You know how to read the other person.
Understanding and Recognizing
Why is this whole topic not so easy and where are the challenges you will have to master?
Many things related to communication are very subtle. Even when we just relate to words here.
To show this to be able to recognize those nuances you need a trained eye and ear and you need to have the practical skilled mastered.
In this case, we can say:
Only applied knowledge is real knowledge.
Just reading here and not executing on it,
won’t teach you much. Use it in everyday life.
Things you can do to sharpen your connecting skills:
- If the women selling the newspapers are yawning, ask them if they have had a hard day.
- If the loo attendant is near the toilet while you’re still there, offer a friendly and genuine honest “Thank you.”
- You can apply it as well if the waitress still appears with a genuine open warm smile, while the environment got chaotic because it is late. Just ask her how she learned to be so disciplined and to have so much energy when it’s already that late.
- If the bouncer doesn’t let you in, offer a little short talk about that this must be hard to him, that you understand.
Because people will always beg him to let him in that they are great and so on. But he has to do his job. And how can he know that these people are no trouble? And you don’t want to discuss. Just show some empathy by putting yourself in his shoes.
- If you happen to talk to the owner of a little restaurant talk to him, when he is cleaning up for example, and say:
“I can imagine that this must be a lot of work for you. You got a very long day. Do you even have time for yourself? Or only on the weekends? How did you develop that endurance? By the job?”
- If you meet a nurse, show her that you understand she is caring and helps the people. She has an important and responsible job.
Write me a comment or an email and tell me what had changed so far in your life since your applying this.
What does an emotional connection do for the other person?
It gives her a good feeling because you accept her and you don’t reject anything of her personality.
Neither how she looks, nor what she does. And for sure you can still tell your opinion as well.
What does it do for you?
It gives you a good feeling. Because you’re sharing.
And if you’re coming from a place where every encounter with another human is a present,
it makes you feel good.
If we don’t know what we’re looking for we can not recognize it.
Improving Quality of Life
You will see that a deep emotional connection will improve your life quality a lot.
Why? Because long-term relationships need a certain level of trust.
No matter if those relationships are personally related because you fell in love with a woman.
No matter if they are business-related. And if they are just because of friendship as well.
It makes a difference if you just know if your conversational partner wants to be free
or if you even know what freedom means for her. That’s a totally different story.
If you have ever shared this feeling with another human being you will never want to miss out on it again.
What you will miss without an Emotional Connection
You will lack those friendships where you can talk about basically anything. No matter how stupid you might feel or how embarrassing it might be for you to tell a secret that you normally couldn’t share.
You will lack a very good relationship where you can share a lot of things and have an established bond between the two of you.
You will lack lasting communications or deep talks.
You will lack understanding and maybe repel other people without even knowing.
You will reduce your career opportunities.
You will miss out on a lot of benefits when visiting certain venues or being in a difficult situation.
You will have a hard time in some countries making acquaintances if you’d like to do so.
And if you want to have kids later, they will probably not learn it anymore nowadays.
Give yourself a Hand
Please don’t let that happen and give yourself a chance. Try it. And see what happens.
I’d be happy if you could share your experiences with me here.
Let’s reintegrate this skill into our society again.
Don’t let us down. I know you can do it.
Have a nice day.
It’s important to introduce breaks in a conversation. Especially when you want to create a deep connection. Why? Maybe because you made your conversation partner think and therefore she doesn’t talk anymore for a while. She thinks about how to mention and formulate her thoughts. Or – imagine you speak to her inner core and […]