It’s important to introduce breaks in a conversation. Especially when you want to create a deep connection.
Why? Maybe because you made your conversation partner think and therefore she doesn’t talk anymore for a while.
She thinks about how to mention and formulate her thoughts.
Or – imagine you speak to her inner core and you don’t notice how the corners of her mouth started twitching.
Not because she’s nervous. But because she wants to answer. Let’s say you trigger a response in her.
Tinder into the Fire
And therefore the Conversation shall breath
You talk and talk and talk and therefore trample out the fire immediately
that you made burn before. It’s a pity.
She wants to answer.
And oftentimes she might not be able to collect up the courage to interrupt you.
Or she just can’t do it, because you won’t stop. You don’t let it happen.Deswegen mach Dir das ab jetzt zu Nutze:
Tap into that:
Silence is Golden.
how native speakers might say. It’s a beautiful expression.
The strength is to be found in serenity.
or as well
Never this is truer than when you want to build trust with someone or to connect on a deep emotional level.
And I’m already imagining what you might want to say next:
“Yes, but that’s really awkward. I don’t like in a conversation that I have to keep my mouth shut. That’s an uncomfortable tension.”
Then ask yourself this question:
Is this kind of tension at that moment really that terrible?
For the both of you?
For her as well?
Or does it only make you feel strange?
Because you think it’s not the right way.
Enjoy the Silence
Here’s a little something to learn for you:
I want you to be happy about the silence when it appears at any time.
Especially if you caused it because you made your conversation partner think.
Enjoy the silence. Own it. Let the silence be there.
Music also needs silence like nature needs sun and rain to grow. Not only one of these things.
One cannot exist without the other.
Silence is only disturbing if you make it awkward because it feels awkward for you.
When you enjoy it, it will make you feel good. And that transfers onto your conversational partner.
This also means that you can determine what’s the impact and the function of the break.
Take the lead, because that’s exactly what you should do as well.
If you want to pause in the conversation, you give her space to talk all about the thoughts that you might have triggered in her mind,
her imagination, or that just occurred and she wants to talk about now. She’s able to talk a lot right now.
And that will also be her intention. It can even happen she almost wants to stop to talk again the whole evening.
When that happens it’s great. Because then you got plenty of topics to talk about.
And stay there. Learn to keep the tension up. Learn to let the tension exist you feel inside.
Even when it feels strange at the very beginning because you’re not used to it.
Persevere! Hang on.
3 Types of Conversation Pauses
There exist at least 3 types of breaks, that can appear in a talk.
1.) You said something to her triggering a bad memory.
2.) A pause to think – this will be the most occurring break.
3.) A conversation directional change is introduced – for example, she’s just ready to ask you a question, she uttered her thoughts and wants you to keep going again.
4.) To raise the tension. This could also be sexual tension.
Let’s put some of these examples under a magnifying glass.
So you get a clear picture of what impact those pauses have,
what you could do in most cases to avoid them and in some cases
what you can do to improve the situation and therefore the conversation as well.
Here I’ll show you the most obvious, so you get an idea of how to handle them.
1.) Uncomfortable Memories
This could always happen when you trigger a situation or memory of her past.
Show empathy. And stay calm. You didn’t make a mistake.
How could you possibly know? You didn’t know her. Or not that well. Not on that level.
And this is gonna change in the future.
It’s also possible that you were very uncalibrated in your talk and you judged her.
Let’s make an example:
Let’s assume she’s a native Peruvian girl and you don’t like that country at all.
Du: “I am curious. Where are you from?”
Du: “I don’t like Peru at all. And everything related to it!”
Sie: “Erm, well then..”, she looks into your eyes very deeply, for a moment, like she wanted to say something, then she looks down.
You are waiting for her to talk again. 2 minutes later – still – no word. Silence. And you feel this uncomfortable silence.
Finally, you decide to break the silence and you ask her:
Du: “Let’s hang out tomorrow, I’ll join you to have coffee together?”
Sie: “No, thanks. I think I’ll leave now. It’s already late. And I still got to learn some stuff.”
Du: “But it’s just 8 o’clock.”
Sie: “Correct. My words. Waitress, the bill, please. Thanks.”
When the waitress is coming she and her exchanging eye contact, there is certainly a communication going on you don’t understand.
After that, she stands up and leaves: “Ciao”. Those are the last words you’ve ever heard of her.
What happened here?
How were your words again:
“I don’t like Peru at all. And everything related to it!”
Well then, you don’t like the country. Good? Right? But you said as well and everything that’s even related to it.
No! Not at all! You should now become aware that you’ve hurt a part of her identity.
If she’s Peruvian and accepts it or not, she can’t change that. It will always be part of her core.
Or how you say as well: Her heart is rooted in Peru. If you like it or not.
And you’ve just said you don’t like Peru and everything that’s somehow related to this country.
In that case, she can only relate it to herself.
In simple terms: You’ve insulted her, judged her, and put her in a little box.
And especially you don’t accept her personality like it is.
In the future I want you to pay more attention to all the reactions you get, so you can change the course of the events and it doesn’t happen anymore.
I bet if someone is judging you-you also don’t like it at all. You hate it.
2.) Pause to think
THAT’s exactly the type of silence we want you to experience the most.
The one you should enjoy and own.
Wait. Let her think until she’s ready.
No matter how long it takes her. Even when she seems to be looking at the sky.
I guarantee you know the look some people have if they do just exactly this.
Let’s look at an example:
You’ve already connected a little bit and you’re talking about what freedom means for you and then you ask the following question:
“What’s it for you? I mean what does freedom mean for you?”
And suddenly she stops talking. But you can see she’s still thinking.
She’s got a thoughtful look on her face.
If you’re interested in NLP, you could have a look in which direction her eyes are moving.
Then you would be more assured if she’s remembering a sound – may be in nature, an image – may be a place where she has been before, or a movement – something she did there. There where she felt free.
Why is she thinking?
To get clear about the fact of what it means to her to be free.
Well – let’s be honest – When was the last time someone asked you what freedom meant for you?
Have you ever been asked that during the course of your whole life? No?
I think, then, it is not difficult to understand why this conversation is outstanding.
At the same time, it is also possible – that she knows exactly what freedom means to her, she feels it, feels it – but has never explained it to anyone.
This is the first time and she has to search for the right words. This is not easy at all.
Depending on how deeply you have emotionally connected, she must first gather and grasp the right thoughts.
Then she will respond to you.
3.) Direction Change
Here you can go on as you want.
A change in direction means she’s told you everything she wanted to say and now she’s waiting for your reaction.
She’s not thinking anymore but just wants you to take the lead and continue the conversation.
There are even more reasons why introducing silence is a good thing to do.
Have you ever been talking to someone who was fully focused on you and gave her undivided attention?
Who wanted to know everything about you, because she was honestly and sincerely interested in you?
If so, congratulations. Because we want exactly that. That’s one of the things we crave the most.
Unfortunately, it happens quite rarely these days.
And it gives you a good feeling. Like a pleasantly warm summer rain. Or the sun on your face.
Or a cool breeze when it’s incredibly hot. Or like when you’re mega-thirsty and suddenly been given water to drink.
And you think, oh my God tastes so good.
Such people give you this feeling. It just happens. A wonderful present.
Talking to some you think THEY are the greatest human being in the world.
But if someone can even do better you’ll think:
“I am the greatest human being in the world.”
Why is it then that a break is a good thing, being caused by the one that creates the feeling in you?
Simple. If you have been thirsty for that type of approval you want more, especially if you didn’t get it for so long.
Some people can accept this gracefully.
And there are others who constantly – not only expecting it – they demand it.
So you see a break is important.
How else would you possibly know if the masterpiece the orchestra is playing is finished, if there would be no pauses and no silent parts at all?
Breaks are as essential as that extra something.
I hope I could give you enough leverage for your next talks.
Breaks are like the air that a fire needs to burn.
4.) Sexual Tension
If sexual tension arises, just let it be theHave you
Have you not experienced it yet? This is usually one of these types of breaks, that makes you feel awkward.
And you want to quickly fill up the silence with an ongoing conversation because you lack the endurance to feel it.
Do not do that because usually we are simply no longer used to it.
It is unpleasant for us and so we start talking again.
It does not give us a good feeling and because we have learned to suppress bad feelings, we also stuff this into the
subconscious. Not good. Silence is your friend.
So keep the break in the future and you’ll learn,
when it is important,
why it is important
and how to consult a good friend again and again.
Thus if you always avoid it, you will never be able to gain the real benefits.
It’s ok to be scared, especially when you have to learn to deal with it.
Trying to remove the awkward silence from a talk, because you do not want to feel the fear is, in my opinion, totally wrong.
Then just be scared. Feel the feeling and introduce silence anyway.
More reasons because silence arises in a conversation
Are there, even more, reasons why silence appears in a talk?
Sure there are. But those are mostly reasons, that don’t arise because of the reason I want you to introduce space and silence in the conversation.
No. Those are just cases where silence may arise because of the circumstances.
One of you may receive a message that doesn’t really have happy content. And that definitely “makes” your day.
And one of you getting the message is staring at his phone. Not uttering a single word anymore.
Another reason – we all might know – is that we just don’t know what we’d say. And that’s why there’s a sudden silence.
That’s probably the most embarrassing break. We don’t like to feel it. It feels weird. And humiliating. That’s also the reason why there are so many courses, tips, strategies, and pieces of advice.
Only one important basic requirement is often forgotten, which?
Before you try to avoid the break: Accept it. Accept any kind of break.
Live with it. Feel how that feels and if you don’t know anything to say, simply endure the lull,
until you have learned how to perceive this. And whether it really is so bad.
Only when you fully accepted the noiselessness, you can start doing something about it…
Yeah, but how do I actually take a break?
For example, Just talk slowly. And no, that does not mean talking monotonously at all.
Maybe you’re talking pretty fast anyway. Do people that are very thoughtful all the time have their own thoughts when you’re talking? Oh, right. If you do not know yet, just ask them.
You could just pause between two sentences. Easy to do. Technically seen.
You can also simply tell what you want to say at this moment, no matter how many sentences it is.
Then you just stop talking. You can just be calm. Create silence. Whether you just said something or not.
With more experience, you’ll notice when the right kind of break is appropriate.
If someone is thinking because you have just asked something, give them the time to think.
If you tell something that the other person does not know yet, let the silence arise.
The silence gives your conversation partner time to think about what has been said.
Our minds often love to think about some things over and over again and run in circles until we’re able to move on.
Everyone is forced to breathe similarly like the speaker dos, so if you speak quickly and hastily,
it’s stressful for your conversation partner and can literally take the breath away.
So give the conversation, you and your conversation partner the air to breathe.
And in the future, you’ll have a completely different presence.