Article Archive - Deep Trust - Builds Trust

Why is a Deep Emotional Connection of Tremendous Value?

2:14/0 Comments/in Allgemein, Article/by Holger

When you’re building trust by establishing a deep emotional connection to create an environment of security for the two of you.
Why? Because the person you’re talking to will realize more and more the following things:

You don’t judge.
You’re listening actively.
You’re accepting.
You’re not rejecting.
You’re not differentiating.
You’re not changing the topic.
You don’t just talk over your conversation partner.
You don’t try to be right.
You give space to talk, which means you’re silent.
You don’t pressure. You enjoy the silence.
You keep it secret. (Between the two of you)

So what this does all mean? Which impact does it create?

Let me start this with another question:

Have you ever felt like you wish you could talk to a person about everything and not fearing to be rejected or judged?
So you know you could even show your most vulnerable side and won’t feel like someone stabbed a knife into your heart?
Tell me when you faced an opportunity like that for the last time. This year? Last year? 10 years ago?
And how many times you would have the chance to do so? I bet a lot.

This does a lot of things:

You can suddenly talk about yourself. Openly. You can up open more and more over time.
You don’t have to hold back anymore or act. You really can be yourself.
There is enough space and there is no pressure.

This Space is Created From Two Sides:

One is like not pressuring, not judging, not differentiating, not be put in a box.
Like all those relate to not restrict you as a person.

And the other part is about showing genuine interest and finding out what you’re all about.
Like extending the perception of you.

If you tell this:
“You know I used to bully my siblings.”

There is no:
“You’re stupid. Because you did that.”

When you tell that:
“I feel like life sometimes suffocates me”

then there is no:
“Just think positive. You really should know that! Come on. You can do it.”

There is only:
“I can imagine that this is not easy for you… because of…”

Or you if you tell like:
“You know I have this stupid habit of…”

then there is no like:
“Yeah, I hate when people do that. Please stop that.”

Instead, there is something like:
“Yeah and I can imagine that you need a lot of courage to tell that to someone because they might immediately say, like: ‘Oh my God! You’re so stupid. What is this shit? Grow up!’ Or something like that.”

There’s only still genuine interest asking for the why? How it makes you feel? And what type of person you are?

And there’s also no:
“Pheew. Look at that person. No way I am gonna talk to someone like this.”

Now just imagine there is still that thing in your mind. Let’s for example mention that you’re very into spirituality.
Especially like one part healing stones. And you want to talk about that with someone.
You tried before with your best friend but he said:
“Sorry, I don’t believe in that bullshit.”

And Suddenly You Can Let Go and Relax

So it does make no sense to talk ever with him about that again. Especially because you already tried several times.
Therefore you decided it’s to no avail and you stop trying.
And suddenly there is this person. This guy. He might even tell you:
“You know, Mariah, sorry. I don’t believe in that. But I really want to know what it means for you.
Tell me. Because I don’t really know much about it. To admit. I am willing to learn.”

And he said that in a very friendly tone. You start to talk and you notice nothing is coming up that forces you to hold back.
No. The opposite is the case. He even wants to know more and how it affects you.
After a while, you have the feeling you can tell everything.
Now you collected some of your courage again and are opening up even more.
You tell about things you’ve never imagined you would have the opportunity to talk about.
What happens? The conversation flows. You relax and notice that you can finally be yourself.

How someone said to me:

“It’s amazing that something like this exists. That people can come to each other and share. No one rejects any part of you.”

And therefore you feel highly appreciated. You feel accepted. You feel heard.
As well as a sense of love comes into play and with that also some sort of peace.
Relaxation, because there is no need to hold back anymore or to think about the words in a way
where you have to think carefully so would not be judged. No. Now you need to think because you might never have talked about those topics. It’s very refreshing. If someone explores a deeper side of yourself.

It’s real. It’s rare. It’s raw. And it gives you the feeling of tremendous security.

Many times conversations are toxic.

This is literally healing as well and very pleasant at the same time.

So use this to make people feel at ease when talking to you.
They will love it.

And so do I.

Avoid the most common pitfalls. So you’ll not restrict your conversation partner.

You had any story that is connected to that topic you want to tell me?

Write it into a comment or send me an E-Mail.

101 Ways for a Better Emotional Connection

1:01/0 Comments/in Allgemein, Article/by Holger

I will relate to building a connection between man and woman here as well.
But be aware that it is universal. It also works for friends.

You can learn to consider all those issues at once. But don’t see it as a must. For sure every consideration
will improve your daily conversation with other people.

If that’s too much at once consider at least 4 of them.
Especially number 3 is very important.

Furthermore, just continue reading and don’t forget to subscribe to the newsletter.

This is how to get closer:

Reconnect to yourself.
You are only able to connect as well as you’re connected to yourself.
So it’s good to increase every possibility and use your faculties to reconnect to yourself first.

Meditate.

Meditating is very helpful to strengthen your inner focus and cut the stream of repeating blocking thoughts.
You basically pull the rug off the stream of neverending reoccurring thoughts,
by taking perspective on them.
Get out of Your Head to be Present

If you’re going out I don’t assume you’d like to meditate to be present, therefore a gimmick to switch off your thoughts might be very helpful.
Let me help you with an exercise:

Just ask yourself:

What will be my next thought?
Get Rid of all thoughts and possibly judging Images occurring when encountering someone you might not feel attracted to.

Longterm speaking you shouldn’t even have those thoughts anymore:
“Gross. She’s ugly.”
Also, this should be gone later:
“Oh my god. She’s fat.”
At the moment it’s ok to have those thoughts if they occur.
It’s not helping if you suddenly start judging yourself because of those thoughts.
Just become aware when those thoughts sneak into your consciousness and try to meditate.
Let them exist. Do not try to push them away.
But detach from them. Let the resistance and attachment go.
Connect To Your Inner Child.

Close your eyes and travel back into your childhood.
This is about joining your inner younger scared child and showing him that it’s not alone anymore…
Accept it.
You can read more in

I don’t trust anyone (anymore) – reconnect with yourself.

about that.
See behind her Looks.

You’re always with someone not with this person’s looks. With what this person is all about. Their substance so to say.
Or easier: with their character traits, charisma, behavior, emotions. Also, looks and appearance are partly a product of self-esteem.
Collect the Courage to Rip off her Mask.

What you get to know at the beginning of her is usually not her true self.
But what she normally presents to strangers. Especially in the beginning.
It might be good to protect ourselves in the beginning and not showing our most vulnerable side.
We want to feel that we trust the person we’re talking to before showing our vulnerable side.
There’s no point in showing all frankly from the beginning.
Find out what she’s all about.

You want to know what she prefers doing and why. And not just what or how.
Because the “What” and “How” is often a byproduct of the “Why”.
Her culture, what she is feeling, her motivation, and her personality.
It’s all part of that.
Find out why she’s doing this.

Asking “Why” always asks for the motivation
If some people can drop that paradigm then they get inspiration.
They do not need a “why” anymore.
Inspiration is most likely to kick in if no motivation is needed anymore.
Ask about Dreams, Goals, Wishes, Visions, and Childhood or the relationship with her parents.

Normally I wouldn’t recommend that long-term, but it’s nevertheless good to learn.
When starting this is totally ok.
Make a conscious decision that you’d like to build a deep connection with her.

Because now you got a direction where you want this to go.
And this is why your subconscious can help to go down that road.
Without this concrete direction, your autopilot will not know where to drive and you’ll find yourself
in a haze, mist, or the clouds, but never where you want to go.
This we want to avoid here at all costs.
Be genuine and open.

Trust is closely related to honesty. If you’re not genuine then your not honest.
And with this, there occurs a problem. Because to whom your conversation partner should create a deep connection?
With your bravado? For sure not. Or with your true self? That’s an easy answer now: Yes.
Be yourself. Be your best self, if possible. If not, just being yourself is already enough! Don’t judge yourself.
Show your personality as other people know you.
For example when you’re with your family or your best friends.
Where you can relax and be completely you.
If she’s asking: “What kind of person are you?”

Don’t reject that or make a joke. Now it’s really time to talk about you. Give her a relatable open genuine honest answer.
And if you’re already made a joke – too late – no, I mean: Just now be real. And tell her.
if you’re still joking and refuse to be genuine you’ll kill the flow of the conversation.
This will result in the talk becoming superficial again or go down the drain.
Don’t let that happen.
Approve Your Conversational Partner.

Approval has something to do with respect.
Everything she tells you is ok here. There is no room for statements like:

“I think that’s stupid, you have to be more positive.”

Sometimes we have beliefs that are negatively anchored.
And just because you’re suggesting to think about those differences,
they can not be easily changed in a matter of a few seconds.

You will notice yourself if someone treats you like this because then you feel:

– Misunderstood
– Declined
– Unheeded
– Rejected
– Judged.

Doesn’t sound very good, does it?
Pay Her a Compliment That Includes WHY.

You can for sure show by doing so that this is pretty unique. What does that mean?
Compare them with others that did not make the mark.
For example, choose one of her character traits and tell her that you noticed.

Let’s have a closer look at an example:

Michaela, you have unbelievable energy and friendliness that you give to people serving here still at 2 a.m. in this chaos.
I’ve rarely seen someone being like this. And above all, you have a genuine smile on your face. I like that.
I do not like those people who always put on such a fake smile.
I prefer genuine. Thank you for that.

There is no judgment. But an opinion. About how you see things.
So this means not to judge or convict. But still, tell your opinion does not contradict.
Validate Her.

This point is quite similar to the previous one.
Validating means to make a well-founded compliment
Be Easy to Talk To.

If you sense that she has a hard time contribute more to the conversation you might help her.
Just ask:

Sometimes we might have a hard time explaining such things, even if we want to, right?
We might have been asked a question and have to think about how to tell. Find the words.
But at the same time, it is a beautiful thing,
And we will remember. Take your time, you can think as long as you want. I won’t push you.

If so and she mentions that she’s still searching for the right words, you might ask her. Because if she doesn’t know at all how to say it,
then you’re showing that you’re still attentive and you get it. And again you got something to talk about.
First Seek to Understand Then to Be Understood:

I am always witnessing many conversations. Almost always the man wants to be understood first.
Just turn it around. Do not give up on seeking to understand.
According to a principle mentioned in Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
Of course, it is also worthwhile to get to know the other 6 Habits of Highly Effective People.
Share your opinion if possible.

You can still express your opinion anyway. But not to impose or evaluate her.

What’s your opinion on that, Linda? I don’t like mountains that much. I prefer the see.
In your case mountains seem to be much more prominent. Have you always been like that?
Stay Focused, Don’t Just Change the Topic.

If you’ve inspired her to tell you everything about playing the piano, her greatest passion,
then you do not tell about your own experience and that you no longer like it.
At least not without relating back to her.
Don’t Keep It Superficial.

Do not stick to small talk. Just because you do not want to go deeper.
Because you may have been hurt once before,
Because it scares you or you think you cannot get rid of her again.
Not even because it might be too intimate.
Or you think that you will be exploited or be put into the friend zone.
The simple rule of thumb is here: trying is better than not trying.
Do not ask questions to dig but to find out about her personality.

Do not just ask:

“Where do you work, Chantal?”

and then follow up with: How long? Where exactly? Where are you based etc.?
This will not be of much help.
Because you’ll get to know everything about her job. But not about her as a person, nothing about Chantal.

Ask questions including both, here’s an example:

Would you say your job helped you to be a better person? Because you had to acquire new skills?
Or you just acquired them but they only help you in your job?
Do Not Rely On All Public Information About How to Build a Deep Emotional Connection.

Most websites provide advice that often makes sense but cannot be executed.
Let Her Finish.

If she’s been thinking for quite a while and now almost going into a monologue,
then do not interrupt it, but give it your consummate attention.
Besides, it’s not really a monologue. Because she’s sharing.

I admit. If this happens, I enjoy it.
One of the longest conversations was about 7 hours. Without interruption.
Besides, if you get paid a lot of compliments because you’re an amazing conversationalist, just enjoy it.
At least you know now that you’re able to listen actively. Because you didn’t really talk that much.
However, you created the space and environment to be able to communicate without being judged or rejected.
There are not many opportunities nowadays to do so.
If she obviously is thinking, do not interrupt her.

If she starts thinking, do not interrupt her. But continue to give her your undivided attention.
Fingers off your phone.
And imagine if you were in her shoes that very moment, would you not find that rude as well? Well, see.
So keep your phone where it is. Silent.
Match The Energy.

This means: If she’s talking slowly and calmly and not very loud, it’s not really a match to talk very fast and almost scream into her face
like being in a nightclub. Adapt your energy level.
If you are not talking right now, you can also match her breathing.

This is a little bit offtopic and more related to NLP.
There exists the principle of pacing and leading.
What means to adapt to certain traits of your conversation partner.
This is called matching aka pacing. And when you see you can match,
this establishes a connection and after a while, you can
When you see that they are following you can take the lead.
You can match the breathing or tonality. Words, gestures, mimics, posture, or energy of the vibration.
If She’s Sharing Something Very Intimate, reveal something very intimate of yourself.

You always were impatiently waiting to also talk about yourself? Now, this is an opportunity to do so for sure.
To show that this is no one-way road when going along with you.
Tell her something of an equal intimate privacy level.
Why? Because have you ever experienced you share something very private and nothing came back from
your conversation partner? This might leave a very strange feeling.
It’s like you present your heart and they’re still wearing their armor.
Be Interested. Not Interesting.

Don’t fake the whole thing. Be genuinely interested. Especially in the long run.
If you’re just starting to learn, accept if it does not come across as very real all the time.
I give that to you.
But every time you’re trying to make the conversation deeper try to build your interest muscle.
Be aware of you want to learn how to be genuinely interested in someone.
Longterm you should have learned to really bring realness and interest into a conversation.
This means you really want to know why she’s doing what she does, what she feels doing that
and what type of person she might be.
What to do if you do not know how to show genuine interest:

If you really want to get to know the person you’re talking to on a deeper level, just imagine she’s the gift you’ve always been wishing for. And now you’re slowly unwrapping it. And for sure you want to know what’s in that box and now you’re holding it in your hands.
It’s really a great feeling you’re giving your conversation partner. And she will appreciate it very much.
Relate Back to Her

When you’re genuinely interested you don’t search for a keyword in what she’s saying and then blurting out everything about the keyword topic you didn’t have an opportunity to talk of for such a long time.
At least if you do so, get back to her topic. The thread she was talking about.
Otherwise, you will not give her the feeling of being listened to.
This will make an amazing difference in your conversation and be highly appreciated.
If 2 or More Persons are Talking to You Right Now.

So if she’s saying:

“Oh please, do that with me, too.”

Just don’t. A deep emotional connection is something very private.
Yes. There are a few exceptions. Where you could do so. And then it would make sense.
If you’re interested in that just write an E-Mail to relate to your specific case.

You will not do so just to please her. You will only build a connection with one of them.
They will appreciate it even more. Because this is something very private, intimate, and personal.
Do not refuse what she reveals to you, but always gratefully accept it without exception.

Also, show interest here. Everything that is revealed to you,
you just try to understand.
Do you love cars as a guy? Then you might know details about every part of the car.
You know what it is. What it does and why it’s applied at that specific place.
So you know about every part and how they work together.
Exactly like this, you want to know who she is as a person.
You only show full acceptance and are giving her your undivided attention.
And you’re also providing the atmosphere and a judgment-free environment and space
so she can virtually walk on the red carpet. Where the conversation can grow.
Listen Actively.

This means if you don’t hear or understand: Just ask!
No one is born a master.
You need to practice. That’s totally fine.
It’s also ok if it feels strange in the beginning doing so.
You’re just about acquiring a new character trait.
Because you most likely never experienced that type of conversation before.
Or it was just a coincidence.
If you’re showing real interest everything is fine.

There are 2 possibilities:

a) Learn it very slowly. Then you can be authentic all the time.
b) You accept being uncalibrated for a while because you’re acting congruently to the new you
that will be able to connect more deeply.
When Talking to Her Use her Name.

Most likely your name is one of the words you heard countless times in your life.
If someone is screaming our name we’ll turn around.
Even if it’s a stranger.
For instance, if someone happens to carry the same name
like you do.
Very powerful.
And almost no one does this anymore. It’s so easy.

“Hey, Tom. Really good how you shot that goal.”

This has much more impact than just a flat:

“Hey. Really good how you shot that goal.”

For sure you have to find the sweet spot here as well.
Don’t mention the name after every sentence. This is weird.
Neither just one time.
At least one time in the beginning and one time in the end.
If you’d like to apply a technique first:
It’s always good to mention the person’s name if you would end your sentence with
a question mark or an exclamation mark.
So if you’re still saying it too much then: Watch out if you’re asking one question after another.
If you almost would end every sentence with an exclamation mark, you might try to be a people pleaser.
If you do not understand what she’s sharing, just ask.

No one is born as a master. She’ll never know everything.
Neither will you. And that’s totally fine.
Just get used to asking. Make it a habit.
And yes. There might be conversations where you have to ask after almost every sentence.
So what? That’s fine, too. If you’re genuinely interested that’s totally fine.
But don’t use the questions as tools to dig for something. This something no one likes.
Because this will pull the rag out from under.
Don’t look away.

Only if you’re thinking about something. Because then your eyes may want to move.
Let them move. Otherwise, your glance might be forced and the mood will go down.
When your thinking process is finished, keep eye contact again.
Come from a place where you want to be sharing.

This means, if she’s telling something, you want to share that experience with her.
Together. Don’t push or force anything on her.
Your mindset is tuned in to giving and sharing, together.
If she’s entering your private space, just smile!

So if she puts her car keys or her cell phone too close to you,
if you are facing each other at the same table,
do not see this as a barrier but as a sign of confidence.
See how she reacts when you smile as soon as she gets something in your private area
sets. Maybe she even puts her hand there.
Do not try to reinterpret her life experiences.

Even if she expresses something negative, usually it is not appropriate to say:
“Think positive” or something like that.
Be fully present and give her your full attention

Looking at your phone or constantly looking around is not nice.
Tell her, what you can derive, from what she’s giving to you.

What does this mean? Take an observer role and tell about her.
Quite simply stated: When she’s laughing, tell her that you like how happy she is.
If she is still awake at 2:00 am
“Hey, you have a lot of energy!”
If she listens to the street musicians and compliments them,
to donate something to the poor woman in the village and generally offers help to people:
“Wow, you are a really giving person.”
Talk to Her About Her.

“Tine you have already experienced a lot of things in your life.
I do not think there are many people with the same amount of life experience at your age. It’s very interesting to see your level of maturity and awareness you have already gained in these young years.”
Let Her Tell First. Also From the Very Start.

If she wants to contribute more than you, from the very beginning, let her do that.
Maybe she does that because she already likes you anyway.
Or you are exactly her type.
You may also have said something that motivates or inspires her to talk about herself.
That’s totally fine. Lean back and relax.
Enjoy the conversation.
Try to see others as they are. Unfiltered.

This point really needs to be practiced thoroughly and it needs time.
This contains several elements:

– See the human being
– Free from culture and common prejudices that person perceive
– Listen unfiltered
– To be present

These are all elements that have been or will be mentioned in this article.
Be respectful.

I’ve just come up with a quote I’ve read somewhere once:

Respect is like the air a conversation needs to breathe.
Without air, the conversation suffocates.
Be tactful.

What does to be tactful mean? This summarizes several of the previous points.
You understand what’s going on in her.
You let her tell without interrupting her.
You let her think without interrupting her.
You are aware of the sub-communication of your sentences.
You give her the space to tell about anything that comes up.
You express your opinion without imposing it on her.
At the same time, you also show that you still respect and accept their opinion completely
Be aware of your sub communication.

If you say something about her, this may tell a lot more about you than your words themselves.
If you for instance mention:

“I just love playing ice-hockey so much.”

and you say:

“Ok. And which sports you’d really like to do?”

Those words can backfire.
Because who says that she has to do another sport just because of your opinion?
That’s her decision. It is about understanding here first. Full acceptance as much as possible.
Especially while there is still mutual respect in the conversation.
Don’t judge or evaluate her.

Also important here:

Not even in your eyes is a glimpse of judgment to be seen.
There are no negative thoughts.
That should be your goal here in the long run.
Do not condemn yourself, even if such thoughts come,
just watch them. Become aware of them. Write them down.
Because then you can recognize the pattern to eliminate it over time.
Eliminate does not mean to displace. But the opposite.
Pay attention to your thoughts, the consummate attention of watching.
Often, thousands of thoughts are linked to a feeling that won’t let go of.
Be understanding.

Try to show her, you understand what’s going on in her.
You can understand those things. And you do not just want to express your opinion or force it on her.
Make Statements About Her.

If she does not really respond to the statements because she’s shy or introverted,
just mention a few facts.
That can be things from her country. If you happen to know her nationality.
Just the opposite which leads to a deep connection.
Why? Because you should first get into a conversation at all.
Avoid Small talk.

It may also be that she’s going into a small talk by her means.
As previously mentioned: Do not make small talk all the time.
If she sticks with it all the time, change the course of the conversation slightly over time.
So that you are starting to get to know each other better.
Connect on an emotional level.

In many tips online they say: search for similarities. Usually, this means superficial similarities.
That could be ok. But not necessarily. Why? The reason WHY you like a certain country could be different in your case and her case.
She might value another definition of freedom as what it would mean to you.
But maybe you both like to be in nature because you do not feel so restricted then.
For her the reason is probably:

“I just love to be outside, not always inside, where there is no daylight.”

And for you:

“I just love to see the landscapes and watch the sunsets.”
Make big talk, as Kalina Silverman says in her Ted Talk.

Skip or don’t even make small talk, but rather go deeper.
Try to get to know her. Do not stay surface level.

Note:

When you talk about things that you might actually be able to see,
such as:

I play football.

If someone is playing football, then, of course, you can watch and perceive that.

But if this person has the discipline to go through regular training,
You would only know that for sure if you could observe him/her for a long time during training.

The terms that are talked about are thus abstract. You can not see or touch them.
Quite frankly said.
Ask Questions that Are Determined to Go Deep.

Dare to dive deeper. And no, that’s not too intimate. You want to get to know each other on such an intimate level.
And no, you also do not slip into the friendship zone as long as you do not try to play her psychotherapist.
Even better: Make Statements about her.

Derive facts about her from what was talked about in the conversation.
For instance, if she’s been playing the piano for 20 years, she’s doing it with a lot of dedication and passion.
Dare to say something like that, even if it seems weird or the statement may even be wrong.
She will be very happy about it. If it’s right, she thinks it’s impressive.
If it is wrong, she will be glad that you are so interested in her.
Don’t focus on results, just enjoy being together and the conversation.

Do not try to connect because you’re hoping for a certain reaction in the interaction.
Do it because you genuinely want to do so. Because you want to experience her, get to know her, and share time together.
As a byproduct what you’d normally expect to get a result from will most likely happen anyway.
At least the better you get the more likely it is.
Don’t force it. Just let it arise.
Try to listen. NOT to solve her problems. You are not her psychologist or psychotherapist.

As mentioned before: Yes, we men are often problem solvers. Everything has to be solved.
Forget about that topic. Very quickly. You are not suggesting how to change her beliefs.
If she really wants to, she can do something with a psychologist, psychotherapist, or a self-help course.
But you do not have to suggest that either. Just be there. Try to listen and understand.
She does not want problem-solving, but just the feeling of being understood.
Do You still think it’s weird to say such things as suggested here? Get over it! Just try.

Yes, at first it feels weird because we men are not used to communicating such emotional things. It is our nature, however.
Why are we sometimes really afraid of that?

– Because it makes us vulnerable.
– Because we do not want to be judged. We become vulnerable.
– We are not used to it.
– It’s also like a muscle that wants to be strengthened.

We no longer learn how to be empathic these days.
Compassion in the sense of empathizing with what is going on in the other person.
Enjoy your time together.

The whole thing is not a competition. Take your time. Don’t rush it.
You establish an environment where the two of you can create beautiful memories. Together.
Unfortunately, such moments have become rare these days.
And, it’s really not too far-fetched to say

It’s like a piece of Hollywood for the moment.

Really. Pure. And unadorned. Only more sustainable and real than in the movie.
If you’re still not on your own and the conversation gets more intimate…

Find a place where you can talk without anyone nearby. Because she or you, you both might want to talk about things that only the two of you are sharing. It’s not determined for the ears of others. It might even be too intimate to share with your best friends. That creates closeness, trust, and support. Especially if you meet it respectfully without evaluating your interlocutor.
Be curious about her inner world. You don’t just want to know if she loves freedom,

but you also want to know what it means to her.
You want to know the impact on her. How does she define it? How does she handle it?
Which is: you want to know thoroughly how her world works. In every detail.
That’s one possibility.
Only such a word can be enough to elaborate on a while evening or even longer

Don’t be one of them anymore saying: “I am sure you love freedom.”

No, you want to be that one that mentions it like this:

“I love to see that freedom contains something that you want to share with others.
Basically sharing your freedom with others. That’s pretty amazing. I think I am going to steal that from you. 😉
I’ve never known anyone before seeing it like this.”
If you don’t know how to go deeper yet, steal one of those 3 questions:

Get them! To be able to connect better:

1.) “What’s the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you, Marie?”
(Of course, you call her by her real name and don’t call every woman Marie 😉
If she does not want to respond immediately, THEN it’s time to give an example of yourself.
But then relate the topic back to her again.

2.) “Did you acquire your discipline through your hobby (work, etc.),
or have you always been so disciplined?”

3.) “What would you do if you had one million and did not have to work anymore?”
Listen with your heart.

This also has to do with having access to your feelings.
Rely on your feelings and your intuition and do not hold them back.
Feel what you feel when she talks.
Hear what you hear.
Sense the sensations.
Do not suppress it, let it arise.
Show real compassion.

Again, a quick guide, because many boys and men just do not know how to show that.
Don’t worry, I also was a beginner once. Everyone can learn it to a certain extent.
That just means empathizing with the other, and then quite a few judgments are thrown out of the window
and suddenly you have an insight into the emotional world and the inner world of your counterpart.
Respect the values and limits of the other part.
Show: You are not rejecting any part of her during this intimate moment.

No one does like to be condemned for opening up and being ruthlessly judged:

“Yes, that’s why I always like to wear corsets.
That’s just … well, as some do not get rid of the alcohol, I can not get rid of this.
My parents say I’m stupid and ruining my health.“

So, if her parents already condemn her, then hold back.
She’s tired of it already if the people that you expect the most emotional support of are rejecting what you like.
Believe me. She knows enough people to condemn her for what she’s doing.
Be the glorious exception and refrain from it.

So you are the opposite pole here. Who does not judge her negatively?
But on the contrary, accept everything and show you are genuinely interested in it.
Be loyal and trustworthy.

Don’t share with anyone else what the two of you were talking about. Not even your best friends.
What has been said is meant for you only.
Provide her with a safe place for her feelings, her person, and her motivations or inspirations.

Make it clear – if the conversation is meant to continue someday – that still the same environment
will exist. Even beyond this time. A place of retreat.
Full of acceptance and backing, recognition and validation.
Paired with respect.
Find her core beliefs.

This is just about finding her most deeply rooted why.
Pay attention to how she expresses things.

If you happen to want each other later again, she will probably use the words

“I am looking forward to seeing you again.”

or

“That sounds good to me.”

There are many more possibilities.
From now on have an eye or ear on it. 😉
Don’t misuse what you’re learning here.

Do not connect, so you have a woman afterward, going after you like a puppy.
That’s not what it’s supposed to be and do for you and it will not work. Because you act based on a dishonest motive.
Making a deep connection with someone is a very honest thing. So it only works if you are honest and open.
If you get reactive, just say sorry, I just totally reacted. That was not on purpose.

So you share if your subconscious mind has just remotely controlled you.
This is part of open and honest communication as well.
Avoid saying something that communicates directly or indirectly:
Oh, this emotional connection stuff really works.

And avoid such phrases as: Oh, I did not expect that. Great!
There are enough indicators that will indicate if you do it right.
As well, if you don’t do it right.

However, the most important indicator is:

Your conversation partner is still there and wants to continue talking to you.
Do not reject her opinion on something. Instead, try to understand and accept.

Do not push her back. Even if you think that their opinion of something is ridiculous or completely incomprehensible to you.
Her thinking may be totally different. Because that’s her. That is not you.
You probably don’t want to experience either, if someone is viciously rejecting you, just because this person doesn’t like what you’re doing. Especially if you’re talking about your biggest passion in life.
Be aware that a conversation about religion, politics, philosophy, science is not necessarily an indicator of a deep emotional connection.

Sure, a deep connection can emerge using those topics.
But it’s not guaranteed. Lead the conversation deeper.
Just slowly dive deeper.
While having lots of fun with it.
When the conversation becomes superficial again, you bring it back down.

This dovetails to the previous point. The talk becomes superficial again? Go back down. Diving.
If you master the game of connection better, you can allow yourself to go higher or lower on purpose,
as you like it. The woman will then normally begin to talk in-depth again.
She wants to experience more of that feeling.
Try to feel what the other person is feeling.

If you are completely in the moment then you can also feel what your counterpart feels.
pick it up and let it guide you to understand what’s going on in your conversation partner.
Be prepared, if you’re mentioning something along the lines like:

“I understand your feelings.”

be aware that even a bitchy reaction like “YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THAT”, could be the response.
That is justified, overall, if you never have been in that situation before.
And of course, there are. Then, understandably, it’s a bit harder to adjust.
Then accept her opinion.
Of course, if she’s too harsh, you can also tell her to watch her tone of voice.
Be open to going for that deeper connection with her and do consider it too intimate.

Many guys are afraid that you are getting (too) close (and intimate).
Too close does not exist in this sense. Either you come closer or not.
Too intimate is just a mental blockage in your head.
Show Empathy.

Empathy is like the bigger sister of a connection.
It means to consider all things: Time, environment, circumstances, and so on.
Not just deriving from what is being given to you. But put it into a bigger context.
Add Compassion.

Actually, I’ve already added compassion in here before.
But here again from a different angle.
Compassion is not pity. But in the deeper sense, try to perceive the feelings from their point of view.
Be aware of the implications of creating a deep connection.

A deep connection is sustainable. It does not last for just 2 hours or 2 or 3 days.
When so much “substance” and authenticity is exchanged, you get to know each other very differently than if you just keep small talk.
That creates an investment on her side. That means: she will want to see you again.
Trust is deepened and built up. Nevertheless, it can of course easily be destroyed. Be aware of this.
Skilled people having mastered making wisely created statements assumed, a deep connection can be created in 30 minutes or less.
It does not have to be superficial again as if you have only been running Smalltalk before until you have the conversation
go back down. No, she will even expect it from you. She wants you to continue talking on a deep level.
Fulfill your expectation and give both of you the gift of a wonderful evening by leading an inspirational conversation.
Keep the conversation running and do not rudely stop it.

Of course, you can always decide to end the conversation.
However, if your goal is to get to know her better, it is not advisable in my opinion to end the conversation very abruptly.
If you’ve talked for longer then that’s a different situation. At some point, every conversation is over.
Do not hold small talk all the time. That conveys disinterest.

Most men just seem to be unaware of the fact: If you keep making small talk all the time, it signals the other person:

Let’s not invest too much here. We have no chemistry at all anyway.

Most men are shocked when becoming aware of this issue.
They often do not recognize the pattern.
Make the conversation sustainable – Add substance

Make sure the conversation gains substance pretty quickly. You’ve been reading the whole text so far? Wow, impressive. Then do not stop here. 🙂 What is substance? This means you will learn something about each other very quickly.
So, on the one hand, do not incite the conversation, but be as brave as trying to learn something about her.
Who is she as a person, how would her friends describe her, and so on?
Give Feedback.

So do not just listen actively. but listening that way, she realizes you want to listen to and understand everything. Because you are interested in her inner world.
You can repeat individual sentences or fragments of it with your own words aka paraphrasing.
She will notice, understand and be happy about it.
If you are more advanced, you take it, bringing in new statements at the same time.
If you are still advanced, then … read the text first. 😉
Do not just say “yes” if you think you understood.

Use paraphrasing, which is: repeat again important parts with your own words.
You can also do something like this, e.g. mention:

“Did you know, this is the first time someone told me? I think that’s really interesting.”
Imagine, you would have known each other for a long time. It is important to feel that way.

Imagining already knowing each other is always a feeling in the end, different for everyone and you perceive this feeling in your body. Between the belly button and throat, so to speak. Sometimes in the back or even in the hands which is much rarer, but can happen.
Be aware: you are afraid of connecting. That’s why you sabotage the connection or do not consciously continue.

Keep the goal in mind to build a deep connection during the conversation. This is your course. Don’t change your course.
Just try it for a while and enjoy everything that happens.
Imagine you would be her and trying to see the world (her inner world) through her eyes.

This point also relates to the point of empathy above.
Imagine you really are being her. Being in her body. And she hears you talking while she looks at you.
What experience is she currently having?
How does she hear your voice?
How do the feelings in her body, which you transfer, as a conversation partner, arrive?
How does she react to you?
How does her breath now feel for her and her heartbeat?
Invite her into your house.

This does not really mean your house you’re living.
But why should not she have so much space and freedom in your world that she could not quite expand on it?
So give her the space to expand everything in front of you, without having to hold back.
Your house is big enough for both of you. It can contain anything no matter how much space it needs.

Also, read:

Get into the bathroom! And stop eating!
Don’t tell “I would like to you to be this way” her anymore.

This is totally out-of-place with a deep emotional connection.

This is about:

– Understanding
– Trust
– Respect
Neither her nor you are creating the conversation.

At least not on your own. No, you create everything together. Be aware of that. There is something in common that you share.
The same applies here. The whole thing is more than the sum of its parts. Just let it arise and give it all the time and respect
the conditions that the conversation needs to be able to emerge that way.
Remember what she’s giving you. Also for later, when she wants to relate back to.

This is also a part of active listening.
Just let me add to not just to soak it in but ALSO memorize, being able to recall what was given to you.
Because otherwise she or you will come back to a previous topic and you both no longer know what it is all about
or longer can find a common denominator?
This is not exactly pleasant and will make the talk going down the drain over time.
With no intention to go on anymore.
If she happens to bring out the best of you and the worst at the same time, it’s okay to let it just happen.

She discovers something about you or your inner world that she even may describe correctly, or actually inspires you to let it out.
Though… because you want to judge yourself, you do not want to tell what’s coming up in you right now.
Then it is super comfortable, when you realize, even if you start to tell that she continues to show genuine interest and tells you:

Hey, Holger, it’s ok that you think and feel that way.
And do not let others persuade you that this is wrong.

Do you see? It is really ok to share. If you got more references under your belt,
you begin to feel like a fish in the water.
A beautiful experience.
If you do not like something about her, how can you reframe it?

Just tell her, the good things you can derive.
Appreciate her.

For example, if she wants to give away a car for poor parents and their kids, say goodbye to your judging thoughts, like:

…If she will be doing that all the time she might never have enough money for herself…

Find out which character trait helps her acting like this.

Sabrina, you’re really incredibly generous and giving. Did you learn that from your sisters?
Because you used to share everything and even today you’re still sharing everything?
Be Yourself. No Acting.

Sometimes we don’t feel appreciated and accepted if we show who we really are.
In this case, that’s exactly what we want: Show who you really are. Even if you fear being judged.
Be vulnerable. By showing yourself. Like you are. No acting.
Do Not Just Try to Establish a Connection Because You Try to Get Something From Her.

Don’t connect because you want to get a result. Or a coffee for free. Or a kiss. Or.. whatever.
Connect because you really want to get to know the person you’re talking to.
Then just trust that you’ll benefit from the interaction.
And you’re detached from having to create a positive result.
Let her be the way she is. Do not push any part of her away.
Even if you talk about her, do not say “I” all the time.

Instead, use sentences containing “you”.
Put yourself into her shoes, before considering your perspective about yourself.
Because: We humans like to relate everything back to us and then thinking:
When it’s my turn?

Hey, do not worry. If you signal enough interest,
you will have plenty of time to elaborate about yourself to convey your personality even more.
Find your own vocabulary and expressions that both of you clearly understand.

You are creating something new here. For some very empathic people,
even something like your own language is created.
They use the same words as you.
But the words have gained a deeper meaning.

A woman once said:

“I think that’s very interesting, you know, it’s like a curtain.
Someone could listen to us. Pay attention to the words. Yet they would not understand
what we’re talking about. Only then, when they look behind this curtain.
I love such moments. Unfortunately, they are so rare. Thank you.“
Be connected to your feelings.

Don’t suppress them.

“Yes, I will try to ignore these feelings in the future.”

No, that’s a bad idea. Be fully present with your feelings and be with them.
Be present with them. Emotions have their legitimacy. That’s why they exist.
We have often learned to suppress negative emotions in the Western world.
Seen this way, there are no negative feelings. But they just are there sometimes.
They are our teachers who want to tell us something.
Accept them as a teacher and your friend.
Even if that may be hard for you as a man at first.
Draw conclusions about them
Treat her the way you want to be treated.

You could just consider this as being respectful.
However, there is something more to that.
Everyone has their own values and limits.
They want to be respected, too.
Thus, if she accepts your values and limits,
then also accept hers.
Love yourself the way you are.

Only as much as you love and appreciate yourself, you can also bring these feelings to someone else or share them with other people.
So learn to accept yourself again.
Learn Kizomba.

Kizomba is a great way to learn how a deep emotional connection can be established as well.
You will notice, with some dance partners you immediately are establishing a connection.
Even without words.

So! Well done. You did it! Amazing!

Any questions? Just add a comment below.
Or send me an E-Mail.

Well erm… Yeah. Seems like I was lying to you. You find more than 101, even 107 possibilities here meanwhile,
how you can establish a better connection.

If this is too many for you at once, you can also look at these articles:

I hope you liked the article and overall helped you to improve your conversational skills.

~Holger

Want to fall in love? Just do this.

21:04/0 Comments/in Allgemein, Article, ENGLISH/by Holger

Let’s be honest:

Do you know those 36 questions? (And there is one question more, read on…)

Almost everyone has heard about the 36 questions to make someone fall in love.
It’s about reading those questions aloud to each other. Everyone has to ask AND to answer them.

But what you most likely don’t know:

Why do they work?

Because you are most likely to end up sharing very private things you might not have even shared with your closest friends.
It sounds a little bit crazy. And not enough with that. After reading the questions aloud and sharing what shall be shared, there is one thing left:

Look into each other’s eyes for 4 minutes straight.

This should make strangers fall in love.
An experiment that was invented by psychologists, honed into a process ensuring falling in love.

They are separated into 3 parts.

The questions get more intense during the process. Just seeing them in written form seems almost to be innocent. But that’s not the case.
When you start thinking about the answers you’ll give to your conversation partner a lot of emotional investment is at play.
It gets intense.

Normally a lot of coincidences lead to an intimate relationship over time.
The question compress this time frame to give you a narrow path to walk on to connect.
But it’s a very rigid framework though.
It’s a given set of questions to supercharge the connection and therefore creating intimacy and love.

Do they always work?

At least if you’re not a victim of saying this:

We asked each other 36 questions to fall in love. Then we broke up.

The questions are also not superficial and boring like this:

Where do you work?
What do you do for a living?
Do you like it?
Is it difficult?

This is not inspiring while it doesn’t intrigue your potential partner to open up.

But it’s very different with the set of these 36 questions.
Every answer can bring up more questions, thus the floodgates of talking and getting to know each other open big time.
It brings a lot of structure into the evening and throws the awkward silence out of the window.
While it also sheds light on things you will have in common without even being aware yet.

[Tweet “36 Question to Fall in Love. But do you also know question nr? 37?”]

Part I

Questions about things that no one knows about you yet.
Therefore it creates intimacy.

Here are the questions for this set:

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Part II

Those are even more related to your identity.
This means: Who are you as a person?

1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

2. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

4. What do you value most in a friendship?

5. What is your most treasured memory?

6. What is your most terrible memory?

7. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

8. What does friendship mean to you?

9. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

10. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Part III

This is clearly about togetherness.
Being a couple.
Figuring out things together.
Sharing intimate things and turning a “me” and “you” into an “us”.

Those set of questions has been created by Dr. Aaron as part of his study
because he wanted to figure out how to make people fall in love with each other.

The New York Times even shared a podcast that is called:

“To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This (Updated With Podcast)”

You can listen to it here:

1. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …”

2. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …”

3. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

4. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

6. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

7. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

8. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

10. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

11. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

12. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

And I’ve added a question number 37: (3 x 12 = 36 + 1 = 37)

13. Do you like horses or dolphins? Why? What characteristics that they have can you see in your partner?

Take your partner’s hands in your hands. Hold them. Clasp your fingers.
And now look into each other’s eyes for 4 minutes straight. Don’t break eye contact. Hold it.

Want to fall in love? Just do this… Did it work for you?

What also is guaranteed by the structure of those question set:

You don’t hurt the 4 important points:

1.) Waiting for the topic referred back to you.
2.) You won’t think: Do I get it?
3.) Neither will you think: When is it my turn to speak?
4.) And also this is kept away: Am I being tested? – Did I pass the test?

Because you would be basically thinking:

What does this have to do with me?

Because many times we are not aware when talking to another person:

Which experience do we give our conversational partner and in this case potential partner or wife-to-be?
Thus we often rip the rug from under the conversation and basically, all positive energy goes down the drain.
Enjoy your evening. In this case: Definitely alone. At least not with this potential partner. This is gone.

If you want to know more about these common issues, just figure out how to improve your conversations big time.
Don’t let coincidence lead you to rare success.

Did you fall in love or was Dr. Aaron wrong in your case?

Share your experiences.

What’s your experience with this?

Want to Improve your Conversations Big Time? – Just do This:

12:07/0 Comments/in Allgemein, Article, ENGLISH/by Holger

This article is about becoming aware of what to change when talking to someone.
And how to improve conversations with people in general.
You’d like to talk with them. Not at them.
Because all in all you want to give the conversation a vibe of being a team and collaborating.
Not competing. Collaborating will help you emanate nice and clean energy that people are picking upon.
Competing will make them feel negative energy. An energy-sucking vibe.
No one likes that. But normally it is not talked about.
To shed some light on these facts you’re provided with this article.

Think about what others are experiencing, don’t just think about yourself.
Build and increase your level of empathy.

What do most people think when you’re talking to them and how do they behave?
Therefore I’ve assembled 4 points here.
If you consider and implement them this will change

a) Your perspective of people big time.
b) Their perspective and opinion of you too
c) Completely change your awareness level to a much higher level in the long run.

Those 4 points are:

Waiting for the topic referred back to them.
Do I already know what it is all about? Okay, I got it. Don’t need to listen to the rest.
When it is my turn to speak?
Is this a test? / Did I pass the test?

Let’s elaborate more deeply on those now.

1.) Waiting for the topic referred back to them.

This is what most people got running in their head when you’re talking to them:

They’re spinning their thoughts like:

“It’s all about me, me, me!”
“How does this relate to me? ”

If I was your average Joe and you say something that doesn’t relate to me,
I’m just going to block it off.

“When do we talk about me?”
“When it’s going to switch to something else that refers to me?”
“When do we talk about me?”
“My favorite topic: Me!”

Let’s take an example to make this even more clear:

Let’s assume you talk to someone you’ve just met.
And suddenly you’re talking about holidays. Vacation.

You: “You know I’d love to go to Hawaii again. It’s so beautiful. Especially the sunsets.
You can’t imagine the colors when it’s getting dark. So awesome because…”
Average Joe: “Dude, that’s nothing compared to Finland. You have to see the white nights there and the light.
Dude. That doesn’t impress me at all. Because I know that when I was in Finland…”

Now he’s going to share his own experiences instead.
You nod and think, yeah, but I wasn’t finished telling and you try again:

You: “Yeah, thanks for sharing. What I just wanted to add: You know that feeling when
the sun is lowering itself and suddenly everything is soaked in golden light?
This feels like…”

No, Joe doesn’t wait until you’ve finished. Because now he got triggered again.

“Come on, Dude. I told you. Why you don’t listen to me? And if you didn’t know,
in the desert it’s even more awesome. Because when I was there…”

Now he even told you that you didn’t listen. He seems to see it like that.
And he goes into his life story.
And seems to even be aware of that, though he interrupted the conversation
the thread you’ve created first, so at the moment he’s the one not really listening.
It isn’t you. Because all you wanted to do is to finish what you’ve told
and THEN listening to him. Right?

This is often the reason why people might say:

“Okay, dude. I’ve got to do something now. Have a nice time. See you later.”

You say that, but no way you mean it. Because it doesn’t make sense anymore with this person.

More on this point you’ll get when you read about the most common pitfalls.

2.) Do I get it?

As soon as someone says something and they get it, they’ll just cut off the rest.
They just don’t listen to the rest.
They just won’t.

You: “You know what is meant when someone says: I got no time for that right now?”
Average Joe: “Sure, they mean that they’re busy. I get it.”

You actually wanted to elaborate more on the point that you just found out,
that it means due to your level of awareness that they set their priorities differently.
So they don’t slice a time off for this thing and therefore will tell you that they got no time.

You: “No, I wanted to say that it is due to their priorities, because…”
Average Joe: “Yeah, right. I got my priorities too. I get it. Let’s change the topic. What do you think about the political corruption in our country?”

Now you might even think: Does it even make sense to continue the conversation with this person right here?
No, more probably it’s over!

Read more about how to prevent this here.

3.) When is it my turn to speak?

This one’s huge.
That’s actually the point where guys rip the topic off of you
and go into their life story when there’s a trigger word.
Guys just waiting for their turn to talk.

WHEN DO WE TALK ABOUT ME?
Is she done? Now I can talk about what I want to talk about.

Her: “I don’t know if I have time to meet you this evening. Maybe next weekend?”
Average Joy: “Yeah, I often also have no time to meet, you know, because I got my new position offered at work.
And I am trying to build my own business and earn…. oh, I’ll have to plan for my sister’s wedding as well.
So what about tomorrow?”

There is not even a single question why she’s suggesting next weekend. Instead, he’s talking about
why HE is so busy. No word about why she is so busy.
This leaves an atrocious feeling in your body. Both sides will feel an emotional sting.
Especially the one who wants to talk about something first. If you don’t become aware of this,
your conversations may always come to the same dreaded end.

So no one really likes that. Do you want to know even more? Then read on and implement the tips at the end.

4.) Am I being tested? – Did I pass the test?

Remember the Hawaiian example of point one, I’ve integrated to show how people want to relate it to them.
This is always valid to this point.

Not because Mr. Average Joe is talking about himself. No, further, he tries to vie with you.
This is why his story is designed to be better than yours. Which instead lowers his value.

You: “The temperature here is very crazy.”
Average Joe: “… In Egypt or Cyprus, where I was last year, it’s even crazier…”

And the average Joe thinks it’s helping the conversation.
In reality, it does not. It just lowers your value. And people sense that immediately.
If you’re really listening or drifting off.

Because if you’re “guilty” to hang on to one of these 4 issues you’re interacting
through these filters and this just kills your value and you come across as this very unlikeable person.

For example, let’s imagine you’re starting to talk about something that happened to you.
About an issue that occurred while you were being on vacation, for example,
they don’t even talk about the issue itself. They keep bringing it back to themselves. And thus kill the flow.

They feel as well like this is a competition this their story has even to be better than yours.

Oh, dude, that’s nothing, you won’t even imagine what happened on my vacations, it was much worse, because…

This kills the energy. Sucks the conversation dry and if it gets even worse depletes the respect
and kills the flow as well. The conversation fizzles out and it’s over.

If you don’t get this down, you’ll never get to a higher level.

The crazy thing is, what will people say that really understand the importance of those 4 points?
They will agree and say to you how amazing this works.

What if they don’t? They will listen to a bit of what you’re all about and then they drop off.

Avoid those 4 pitfalls and you’re good to go.
This will improve your negotiations, relationships, conversations, and therefore your quality of life in general.

Create a Little Experience for Yourself

Just right now as an experiment for this week as well as to implement those 4 points:

Watch conversations that others are having.
And you’re going to see like this little hamster in their brain going like:

What does this have to do with me?

On and on.

Find out: When do they try to relate the topic to them?
When do feel like being tested?
What happens so they go into their life story?
Can you see their mind racing: When it’s my turn to speak? Oh, now I can talk. Because there was my trigger word!

Have fun. Tell me what you’ve watched and how these tips changed what you experience.

P.S.: When you’ve implemented the tips or even could need some more advice, a good point to continue is to read about the
most common pitfalls.

Dance Kizomba and Connect

23:20/0 Comments/in Allgemein, Article, ENGLISH/by Holger

What is this post all about?
Kizomba is derived from the Portuguese word “Kizomba” and originates in Angola, Africa.
Normally I am talking about how to use the words and then to use the vibe to emphasize the connection.
This should be a subconscious thing with time. You shouldn’t necessarily feel the need to think about it.
And since I am always was posting about: “How to talk.”

I’ll also give you two tools to get more out of your head, therefore you can feel better.
Another tool will be useful to increase your presence, when you’re fully in your body you become even more aware of all the sensations in your body.

Feel It!

It is this time about: “How to feel.”
We deal with the vibe here. The emotions. The sensations.

Kizomba works a lot with touch.
To be even more precise:
You couldn’t even really dance kizomba without a lot of touching.

Connect with your Body, Mind, and Soul.

In the long run, this is all about getting thoughts, words and actions aligned.
This means: You want to dance. You want to feel. And if you’re even thinking, then just about this.
It takes some time to master this dance. Yes.

But only seconds to feel something you might have never been aware of before.
Especially if you’re not a dancer.
So I advise you: Give yourself a chance and try a kizomba course.
Almost every bigger town near you offers a trial course that you can take part in for little or no money.

Connect with your Body and your Feelings.

Here you will learn a lot of things.
Just imagine you’re attending a course.
So you’ll have to choose a dance partner.
“Everyone finds a partner now. Commands the dancing teacher.”
Ok, there is this woman over there. You find her kinda cute.

Now you’re instructed about the position.

There are two ways of holding each other.

The man may use his left hand to hold the woman’s right hand.
And the upper body, let’s say the torso touch. Without the gut.
As a man, you will basically be taking responsibility for leading completely.

Respect each other’s, Private Space.

Not everyone can let a stranger into his private space.
This might more often be the case for the woman. But you could also be the one as well.
You will immediately feel if the woman is willing to let you come as close as it is needed for the dance.
If she’ll hold you back, respect that. The slightest uncomfortableness of the woman means for you as a man:
Back off. One step back. Never force it. It is something powerful. Not forceful.

You will notice in a matter of seconds if there is chemistry.
You will feel it in the vibe. The woman might close her eyes if she feels secure in your arms when you’re doing the lead.
What does this mean for you? Just demand that she is emotionally open to let the two of you dance very tight is not enough.
You have to open up yourself, too. Otherwise, you’ll create a lot of distance and not togetherness.
Connect to your emotions. Feel her. Literally. With your body and your mind. Let’s say: Put in your soul.

Let’s say: Put in your soul and your heart and let your spirit do the rest.

Try to get out of your head

To really be able to fully feel what’s going on, I give you two things you can do to make this a lot easier.

How to get out of your head instantly.

Are you someone who’s always in his head?
If history is an indicator: You are. Definitely. A lot. 🙂
Let’s change that right now.

There’s a trick that will basically short circuit your brain and in turn, shut your thinking process off.
That means your subconsciousness will immediately take place and do the work for you.
In other words: Your thinking mind is a lot slower than your subconscious.
I bet you had a lot of moments in your life when you were not thinking at all.
And could even tell that if someone would ask you for that very moment.

Ok, here comes the tool:

To make your think process shut off, you have to say yourself a question that your brain will never be able to answer.
Because it is always changing due to your brain. I know. Sounds a little bit woo and crazy.
And this question is:

“What will be my next thought?”

Your brain will start searching and never know.
Therefore a little moment of silence is introduced in your mind.
Try it now. Stop reading. Ask yourself this question.
You can also slightly change it:

“Which color will have my next thought?”

“Which sound will have my next thought?”

“Which smell will have my next thought?”

Just wait. Until the next thought comes.

If the next thought comes, give yourself a short break and accept that the thinking process is kicking in again.
Now: Do it again. 🙂
Try it up to 10 times for now. You’ll see the length of the silent moments will increase.
Depending on how much you’re normally in your head, the first try might even give you only 1 second of silence.
Or it might be longer. This is different for each and every person and depends on where you’re at as well.

Activating your charisma big time

On to the second tool.
Now you might get out of your head, but not necessarily into your body.
You have to increase your presence. But how?
There is an easy trick:
Concentrate on the feeling in your toes.
This will literally make your brain sweep from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes
and bring you instantly more into your body.
Do this only for some seconds before the two of you are starting to dance.

I guarantee if you’re doing it right: you’ll love it.
And she’ll love it too. Definitely.

Control – How do I know I do it right?

That’s a very good question.
If you’re doing it right and you’re implementing all the things mentioned above,
you will get a very good feeling that transfers onto her and everyone looking at you will see a happy smiling couple dancing.
If you’re smiling and it seems to be for no reason, then you’re doing it right. It comes effortlessly.

Here you can see it as well: She’s smiling. She loves the energy between her and you.

Just enjoy it!

Now you might ask:

What else do I have to know or do?
Nothing! Sometimes it is just time to not learn anymore but to enjoy.
Because you will learn to get very connected to your feelings.
Thus this will make your dance partner very happy because the empathy and the chemistry are there.
So you create that feeling of togetherness. And she and you can let go.

Reminder / Checklist

Find out where is a Kizomba trial course in your town or near your town.
Attend it. Just do take part in the trial part. To get to know the dance and what it is all about.
Don’t cop out and push through.
Respect each other’s private space. Don’t force. Back off if necessary.
Practice getting out of your head.
Increase your presence.
Watch if the two of you start smiling once just because.

P.S.: Kizomba is Passion.

Take a Break

23:47/0 Comments/in Allgemein, Article, ENGLISH/by Holger

It’s important to introduce breaks in a conversation. Especially when you want to create a deep connection. Why? Maybe because you made your conversation partner think and therefore she doesn’t talk anymore for a while. She thinks about how to mention and formulate her thoughts. Or – imagine you speak to her inner core and […]

Get into the bathroom! And stop eating!

23:46/0 Comments/in Allgemein, Article, ENGLISH/by Holger

Pitfalls – Man to woman

14:29/0 Comments/in Allgemein, Article, ENGLISH/by Holger

This is a summarization of how to improve your conversational skills.
This will help you to avoid the most common pitfalls.

1. The Wrong Mindset – pushing her to do something

This is not about pushing her over until she gives in. Not at all. Don’t do this. Please!

You want to get to know her on a really intimate level.
And showing real genuine interest. Don’t fake it. Please be honest. Don’t act.

2. It feels strange and this is why…

…you don’t want to make such strange statements with this strange content. And you don’t want to ask her those strange questions. And to challenge her, like this, dude, come on!

Finally, this is not a duel, right? It’s right, it’s not a duel. But the rest: Not right.
You will notice this art of communication might make you feel always strange.

But only

a little bit strange
even more strange
or very strange

It’s normal for us as a man. We’re always leaving our comfort zone doing this.

[Tweet “Don’t make these mistakes. Avoid these common pitfalls.”]

3. Uncalibrated rushing

If she asks you some things or says something like:

“Are you drunk?“
“Well, good job Sherlock” (dripping irony)
“You’re into psychology?“

This is a sign that you try to rush things. Even if you’re not used to it.
You CAN definitely go fast. But it needs a lot of calibration. Don’t overdo it.
Slow down and explain, why you’re going so fast.

4. Intimacy

You think it’s too intimate. This is why you don’t give yourself permission to talk that way.
And you think as well you shouldn’t talk with women like this.
Ok, sure it’s your decision. If you DON’T want to do exactly that, stop reading here and do the things that are more important right now. Because everyone has different priorities.
Then this topic is not meant for you, at least not at the moment. You might come back another time. And are always welcome.
You want to get to know this woman very intimately. That’s what this is all about.
How you get there, is the topic of this Blog.
You want to experience her believes, what she believes and why, her values, simply her whole reality.
You want to experience who she is. Entirely. Not only surface.

5. Friendzone

You are scared to be stuck in the friend zone if you talk this way. You think you’d become her emotional tampon. But when are you REALLY the emotional tampon?
If you got a male or female friend, that only call you if they got some problems?
And if everything’s ok with them you don’t even exist? They always throw up and only talk to you if they have no one who listens to them and if not, doesn’t matter in their eyes.
Then that’s pretty much it.
But if a woman is talking about her beliefs because you’re on the road to a deeper emotional connection, it has nothing to do with the friend zone.

6. Vague Statements – Another Pitfall

Maybe you say something like:

“You are a happy person.”

“You’re funny.”
“You’re hilarious.”
“You’re spontaneous.”
“I think you’re athletic.”

That is a statement, it might even be completely accurate.

You just say this not adding anything more, then it’s just a very short sentence. Done.
It’s not relatable, why do you come to this conclusion?
What’s your statement based on?
The content is very vague.

“You seem to be a happy person. No matter when I see you, you always got a smile on your lips. And – even more important – your smile is real. I think I know no one else smiling so much.”
Now you made it relatable and it creates a totally different impact. Good!

7. Snatching the Theme

She is talking about what she loves most and you could see the passion in your eyes, but yeah…

“Yeah my buddy did that too, but now he hates it. Disgusting. Are you into origami by any chance?”

This will hurt her emotionally a little bit. She will sense something wrong. She won’t tell you, you will notice that the talk will float back to the surface.
I will explain that later in another article in this blog because this is unbelievably important.
She doesn’t know your buddy. It’s not relatable. You don’t establish commonalities like this.
It doesn’t matter if your buddy tried it too. Stick to the topic. Ask her more about it.
If it’s her greatest passion, don’t reject what she has to offer.
Find out why she likes it so much. And how she got into it.

8. Superficial Connection

If you’re a people pleaser and think you can establish a deep emotional connection by finding superficial commonalities, please get rid of them. Totally wrong.
It CAN happen. And it’s rare.

“Hey, which music do you like?”
“Rock!”
“Cool, me too.”
“And what’s your favorite movie?”
“Matrix, but only part 1, the other ones of the trilogy I don’t like.”
“Cool, awesome. Unbelievable. Me too!!!”
“And who’s your favorite actor or actress?”
“Selma Hayek”
“Cool, I love her too.”

Cool, cool cool. Yeah. You like it all. Very boring. She will forget it soon.
There’s no special moment, no chemistry at all.

9. Rejection

“I love dancing. Do you know the movie Step Up? I love this style. I am doing this for ten years now!”
“I hate ballet. Do you play golf?”

Gosh. How can you obviously cluelessly reject what she offers to you like this?

Come on. Imagine you’re talking about your greatest passion and I cut the thread of like that?
Would you even engage in the conversation anymore?
Unbelievably wrong! Don’t do this!
You reject what she loves most. If she does it for ten years now, there are reasons why shy is still doing it and did it already for such a long time.
You don’t have to have something in common with her.
You still can engage in the conversation and ask her about her passion.
Find out why she’s doing out.

10. Judging her believes

First the whole text, completely, no interruption:

“I’d like to tell you something. But I don’t know if you will still like me. Because it sounds a little bit strange. And all my female friends now think I am stupid and don’t talk to me anymore.”

“Hey, I’m curious to hear your story. And I guess, maybe I can tell you something similar, but there’s no reason why I shouldn’t like you anymore. I won’t judge you. I guess I know how you feel.”

“I sometimes have this thing, these visions, you know. And I told my friends about it. And I don’t have those visions where I see glimpses of the future that only last seconds. No. I can clearly see what will happen in the next few hours.”

“Stephany”, I look deeply into her eyes. “I can’t see any reason not believing you. I remember a story where something similar happened. I can’t see into the future as you, but I will tell you the story if you want to hear it.”

“Yes, please. Tell me.”

“Ok, you remember I was once working in a hospital for a little bit more than a year. I was about 20.
In a little hospital in a suburban area. Beautiful landscape. Very natural.
And I wanted to meet my buddy. We were always going for a walk with his two female shepherds. Bessie and Tina. Wonderful dogs. Best has the normal fur and Tina is completely black.
Bessie was still young and loved to play a lot. I remember that one time Raphael held his arms up and called her to come. From about 100 meters away. And some meters before him she made big jumps and pushed him over with her forepaws. Very powerful. This shouldn’t be so easy because he’s more than 6,6 tall. Ok on with the story.
I knew I had to work the next day, we said we wanted to meet Saturday because I had to do the morning shift on Saturday. I would say everything was normal. Almost like every day.
So I went to work. And then I should take the instruments down to the sterilization room. Do you know what that means? Ok good. Normally I always walked the same path downward from station 8 where I was working. But this time I didn’t think about it and suddenly noticed I was walking the other side down. Both ways are completely distancially equal. Doesn’t matter if I go down the stairs on the right or on the left. And normally I walked always the same way. Because I am used to it. But not this time.”I want to work directed to the sterilization room. Suddenly it’s like someone is talking to me.
You know, like you have some thoughts sometimes. The self-talk you might be doing silently.
But at this moment I didn’t catch myself thinking. It’s really like someone else was talking.
And then I had this thought: ‘he’s here. My bud is in the hospital here.’
I just thought: ‘Now you’re getting crazy, time to go home soon and sleep a little bit. It was an exhausting day.

When I was home I was waiting for his call.
Nothing.
It was a long time ago so it wasn’t normal to have a mobile phone yet.
My parents told me to avoid calling anyone if not really necessary. And there was no flat rate yet for phoning anyone either. “
He didn’t call.

Saturday: Nothing.
Sunday: Nothing.
Monday, same story.
Tuesday he finally called.

We greeted each other like every time:

“Hey, you idiot. What happened? Why you didn’t call me?”
“Hey, you ass, I couldn’t come!”

Something my mother will never understand, why we greeted each other like this.

“Why not?”
“My brother.”
“What happened to your brother?”
“A dog ripped his finger off and then I fainted.”
“What the… How did that happen?”
“I was at the dog school together with my brother and one dog was very aggressive. And then it happened.”
“Oh my God. I hope you are good, though?”
“Yeah, I am okay. Yeah. I was in the hospital.”
“What the heck, how many days?”
“Until yesterday.”
“Come on. Not really. Where am I working recently?
“Yes, Spaichingen. But another station.” (that’s the town’s name)
“Which room number?”
“137”
Then I noticed some goose pimples rising on my skin.
“And now Stephany, imagine, it was exactly the room where I walked by that moment.”
Only now I am noticing she’s looking at me with big eyes.
Can you wait for me, I just want to tell my friend, I need my handbag.
I want to share more time with you.
Let’s look at the different parts here. What happens?

We reached a point where she wants to share something really private.

And she also tells me:

“But I don’t know if you will still like me.”

She fears you won’t like her anymore when she tells you about that. Because her friends now think she’s crazy.

“Can you wait for me, I just want to tell my friend, I need my handbag.”

“I want to share more time with you.”
She invests emotions and time into you.

She notices you understand her and this part of her reality and she feels understood and is not being judged. And you don’t laugh at her or make fun of her. Because she tells you something about a belief:

“If I tell someone about my visions they might think I am crazy and don’t want to talk to me anymore.”

She is scared to lose you again and she’s also scared of you may be thinking that she’s stupid or crazy, too.
Not everyone thinks like her and can’t relate to this. Explained from another perspective, hers, she tells herself that it is strange and not so easy to understand. Not for everyone.
Many of us will feel the urge to tell her to think positively now.

“Think positive. Don’t be so negative.

“I guess they still like you, they were just scared for a moment. And if you think positively you will see all will work out in your favor. And I believe in your visions. I am sure you can convince them.”

Sounds like this is a good idea, right? Because you make a suggestion to be positive again.
But only if you make a suggestion about not being so negative anymore she can’t just change her belief.
Clear now?
No?

Then let’s try to explain the same thing from your point of view.

For example, maybe you’re not a good drawer. You are not very good at visualizing things and draw something out of your mind. It doesn’t work.

It might also be:

Calculate numbers in your head, remember faces or names. No matter how often you try. You tried for years even. It might improve a little bit. But it seems you can’t really change it.
You don’t BELIEVE it will work for you.
And then I come up talking to you:
You tell me suddenly about it, that it doesn’t work for you.
And let’s assume I would say:

“Think positive, don’t be so negative, sure you can do it. Try harder. You will find a way.”

You might think:

“Oh my gosh. Did he even listen? Did he even understand WHY I can’t do this? I tried this so many times. So many months. Doesn’t he want to understand?”

And it feels disrespectful.
It feels as well as I don’t accept you.
And a part of you feels rejected.
And if it happens again you will be much more careful if you still tell me about your beliefs.
If I fail again talking to you about this you might not want to talk any more about those. You tried everything. It’s your reality. You can’t make it work. No matter if I tell you to think positive or not at that very moment. Because your negative belief has grown and strengthened itself by your experiences.

And for you, it’s like I telling you: “Come on change your reality. You can do it. How? Damn!”

This can be the cause of:

a discussion
an argument
going back surface
conversation dies down
sentences like: “No, you don’t understand”

If I notice someone is rejecting my beliefs, no matter if he doesn’t know or not, then I don’t like to talk about this anymore. Because like everyone I am very careful about that.
Because this person rejects a part of my personality. This person is judging me.
I keep them private.
Because: This person doesn’t make the effort to understand me and my beliefs.
It might happen once in a conversation though to many people.
But if it happens more than one time during one conversation I assume that this person doesn’t have any idea what’s going wrong.
Here things will come to the surface that show how we work. What’s deep inside us. Things that are buried deeply. We open up in a certain way.

This is why it is so important to be careful and show a lot of empathy doing this.
Don’t use the sledgehammer. Of course not. It’s about relating and putting yourself into the other person’s shoes.

It’s about shifting the focus to direct it to the other person. Always steering deeper using nuances.

11. Wrong Mentality – Perception

One time I heard two guys talking I had known for a while. About two blonde girls that they just had approached. And they were talking loudly.

“How was your talk with her?” said one of those.
“Stupid. Blonde bimbo. Like almost always. and for you?”
“Not my type either.”

I just wanted to walk on where I suddenly by coincidence heard the girls talking to about those same guys.

“Hey, Mel. Why did you act like you were this dumb girl when that guy approached you?
Sometimes it’s almost embarrassing.”
“Sarah, I don’t really know. But I think it’s to protect myself.”
“They never could have had an idea you got a Ph.D.“
“Yeah you know Mel, it’s when I give in to that conversation, and maybe we would start dating, then he could really hurt me. But now I know he didn’t even make a real impact to get to know me. So he could only hurt that dumb blonde girl. And not really me. It doesn’t really matter now.”

Here you see that the first impression might be completely wrong.
Especially if you don’t make the effort to get a closer look.
One of those two girls was even aware she’s not showing her real personality at first.
And she’s being judged by superficialities:

“Dumb blonde bimbo.”

What I heard draws a completely different picture.
If I would be convinced that women are always lying I will find proofs that hold up that belief and make it stronger. If I turn it completely around: Women are always telling the truth and I am convinced, I will always find proofs that strengthen this belief as well.

My advice is:

Keep your mind open. Get rid of all the judgment. More and more. Gradually. Distinguish it.
See the world through your own eyes and build your own opinion. As far as possible.
Don’t just add the opinions of others to your reality without thoroughly verifying them.

12. Feigning Interest

Don’t fake interest. It might work to a certain degree. Sometimes even further than you think. But real genuine interest always has a lot more impact. Just give it a try.

If you don’t do this your talks always might have a somewhat bitter aftertaste. No chemistry is build up. Pay attention to this. It’s a very honest connection. If you’re still faking you will be searching for what to say or what questions you could ask and might be running out of things to say.

The right mindset:

Imagine the woman is wearing a mask.
This is natural. She doesn’t wear it on purpose.
And you make an effort to see who’s hiding behind that mask, the real person. And her real personality.
The woman can see if your interest is real, genuine.
Another analogy I came up with when I talked with a friend about this:
Imagine she’s a gift. Imagine you want to get to know her. It’s like Christmas or your birthday.

Do you know the feeling when you hold the long-awaited present in your hands and you want to unwrap it? And you celebrate unpacking? You love that. You don’t rush. More and more you see what’s in there. You enjoy getting to know the woman and her personality.
To get rid of her facade, seeing behind that mask.

You could also say to get to know a woman is like you see a book or a DVD. You want it. You like its cover. That’s also the first thing you perceive. It’s only surface, surface, surface, surface. Only the looks. What are you really interested in is the story of the book or the movie. And if not: It should! Besides charisma.

With all emotional drama involved.
You don’t want to fast forward and only watch the last five minutes or read the last chapter. No.
But why we do it with women then?
You want to have the whole story.

13. Repeating everything she says

„I was in Australia last year.“
„Really, You’ve been to Australia?“
„Yeah, I always wanted to see Ayers Rock.“
„Wow, You saw Ayers Rock? Is it really so read?“
„Yes, erm… I need something to drink. It was nice to meet you.”

If she’s into parrots she might buy one.
I guess you need no explanation here, do you?

14. Wrong energy or velocity

Could you imagine having a very private deep talk to a woman and you’re talking rapidly and very loudly all the time? For sure not. It’s not the right context.
Romances always have an aspect of slowing down things. You talk quietly. Calm. Slowly.

15. Emotional Dead End

If you notice she’s giving something very private, give something back. You might be aware that only her parents or her best friends know that. Or no one knows. Maybe only you now. I know you’ll like that because you wanted to talk so much about yourself anyway. Now you can! Do it. Remember to not use an emotional voice. Talk emotionally distant. Not like it really affects you, so she knows you’re already over it. You don’t want her pity.

Give something back. This can be your opinion. A story. A very private or intimate one.
Look at the example of Stephanie above. To get a more precise idea.

I encourage her to tell and she tells the story. I say again that I don’t judge and I tell her one of my stories that are equally intimate. I give something back. Now I am making myself vulnerable too because she could judge me for that as well. But I know it won’t happen.

She understands the subcontext. Because it’s relatable now.

16. Wrong Tonality – Story Telling

Imagine you’re talking about your time in high school may be or about problems in your parent’s house and you tell her about that.
Normally it’s good to tell a story with a lot of emotion, tonality, rich descriptions, more colorful, louder, more details. But not here. Not this very moment.

“Yes, my parents often made fun of me and said: Our Erwin has two left hands. He’s so stupid. He’ll never learn to play the piano properly.”

You might think and want to tell: “I found that awful and it hurt me a lot.” in a whiny tone, maybe sobbing, seeking approval.
Then she might think you are not over it.

“But now we sit here and you’ve even watched my concert. Thanks for that.”

Not emotionally involved then she knows you got it. You’re over it. This story is just part of your life, your past. It’s almost like it’s been in another life. Because you didn’t create an identity of that. No ego.
If you would tell it with a whiny tone or exaggerate it in any other way negatively emotionally you will repel her. Why?
Why? Because they then indeed compassion will have with you – for a moment – then they will probably search a way to get away fast. It communicates you are not over it, you’re still a little guy and not a man. She doesn’t want to be a mother for you. She’s searching for a real man.

Again: If you can just say it normally then this is a very good sign that you’ve grown, sure it happened, but it doesn’t affect you anymore. You can tell the story effortlessly.
If you still would, you wouldn’t be perceived as you learned out of that story.

17. Interrupting her thoughts

If you made her think, and suddenly there is a long silence, don’t interrupt her thoughts.
Enjoy that you made her think. Even if she’s still quiet. Lean back. Relax. It’s a good thing.
Maybe you even see how she’s thinking. And she’s trying to say something.
Still silence. Nothing. No sound.

You think: “Oh my god, the conversation died.”

No! It didn’t.

You think: “I have to say something!”

No. She has to think. Maybe she never had to answer this question before. She has to think about how to explain or how to say.
This is way better than all the others just asking:

“Where are you from?”
“How old are you?”
“What are you doing?”
“What profession?”

and she shoots answers at them or just bored tells about her work or her hobbies because she thinks now she has to explain all the little details for people that don’t know.
Lean back, stay relax and enjoy yourself you made her think.
From another point of view:

Yes, silence might create tension. But you can choose how the tension affects you.
Either you perceive it as being scary. Then you will try to rush things.
Or you can just own the silence and enjoy it.
It’s perfect. Let her think. No matter if she needs ten seconds or ten minutes.

18. Superficial Commonalities

You think you must have superficial commonalities! No, you don’t have to at all.
If she’s dancing, you don’t have to dance to be able to connect on a deeper level.
Yes, you read it again: It’s all about showing real genuine interest.
Show interest in what she’s doing while talking or in general.

“What I really do is dancing ballet.”
“Cool, you must be very flexible.”

“Cool, I watched Swansea.”

It’s her passion for over ten years and that’s all you can come up with? She doesn’t have to do it.
But she’s disciplined about it and has developed a great routine.
This is another way of rejecting what she offers to you.
This will also let the conversation die down, it’s like the desert dries and no water is left anymore.

19. Connecting incorrectly

Some little things that can make a big difference as well:

Instead of asking:

“Where are you from?“

You could also say:

“Are you French?“

Instead of asking:

“What are you doing that very second?“

You might ask as well:

“Let me guess, You wait for Robert your secret admirer. You met him on tinder, and he wants to meet you. That’s good because your feet hurt from shopping and you need a coffee, this would be perfect. And you’re wearing very red shiny shoes and he’s wearing a blue t-shirt. Anyway, I guess he won’t come. Because of some Aliens…“

This could be a very funny interpretation to make her laugh. So you got more to connect from because it’s very like she contributes to the talk now. And from there you can go deeper again.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s nothing wrong with asking about:

“Where are you from?”
“What are you doing?”

sometimes.

But everyone does this.
And it might not be the right moment.
Why not optimize your whole talk?
This is how the interaction becomes more personal.

20. Interview with pressure. Yeah, Baby!

“What do you do for a living?“
“I am security at the airport.“
“Where are you from?“
“Italy.“
“And tell me one of your hobbies.”
“Reading.“

What a great conversation? Well, not really. No!
The whole pressure is on her. And you are only taking. You don’t really contribute.
No matter how she responds you only fire up the next question.
Permanent pressure.
Something really similar, what many men do, and I admit this even repels me as a man,
the same story, the same woman, the same man, from the very start:

“What do you do for a living?”
“I work at the airport as a security.“
“Oh cool, my niece works at the airport too, she tells me
always funny stories, what had happened, very interesting.
“Where are you from?”
“Italy.”
“Very good. I love Italian pizza and lasagna and all kinds of pasta.
I also have a small statue of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. My buddy was in Rome, he said it was great.
Tell me one of your hobbies. “
“Reading.”
“Oh, I love to read. I have the book by Ken Follett, it’s very famous, what’s its name again?
Never mind, I just can’t remember at the moment. And there is still a new author I want to read, well, so um … “

Sounds better than before, right? If you got that impression:

“For sure, yes”, no! Sorry!

Yes, it is a little bit better than the interview. At least you take something to contribute something to the conversation but everything is only related to your reality. Not to hers.

Did you notice she doesn’t really talk much here?
It’s a talk like tell me something, give me a keyword and You will relate it to your reality and only tell your stories. If even. What do you know about that or do I have a buddy that is involved in that topic? And then you’ll talk about this without including her. It’s like you against her.

Not good.

This will lead to events where you always have the urge to say something:

“Oh there was that topic, now I could say that.”
“Oh there’s again something, now I could say this.”
Another try. No, didn’t hit.

If someone talks to me like this, I would have seen this as a very strange talk where there’s no chemistry. Later I would have considered as impolite when I was conscious about what happens there. Until I took even a closer look and noticed people are just not aware of this. They just don’t know. This is why I won’t judge them. Those who watch closely and reflect talks can learn to have much better interactions with people.

If I notice it doesn’t work that way with the other person I will let the conversation die and say politely goodbye. Heading for the “exit” of the conversation.
It repels me. It’s like poison. Deadly for any conversation.
But how to improve all this?
Ok again. Rewinding and restart:

“What do you do for a living?“
“I am security at the airport.“
“Oh cool, my niece works at the airport too, she tells me always funny stories, what had happened, very interesting. But she also tells me it’s very stressful at times. How is it for you?”
“Yeah, that’s right, sometimes it is stressful.”
„Hmmm sounds interesting like you’re telling that. Sounds like you speak another language, too. You are… Polish. Because you’re rolling the r slightly.“
„No, Italy. I am Italian.“
„Very good. I love Italian Pizza and lasagna and all types of paste. I got this little statue of the Pisa tower.
My buddy was also there and said it’s great. Where you are staying when you’re in Italy I don’t know, maybe also in Pisa? I never was there yet. How is it to be Italian? Some Italian say we Germans are too insipid. No fire.“
“No, I am mostly in Rome. How I feel about being Italian? I can talk without thinking because I am not really in my head, all day long,
I am not shy and this is why we talk now.”, she smiles.
“Tell me one of your hobbies.”
“Oh, I love reading, too. Sometimes I just wanna dive deep and forget everything around me for a while, being in another world.
How is it for you, why you enjoy reading so much?”
“Sounds interesting, umm, Ralph, right? No, mostly I read travel guides or books on self-help. Because I love being on the road and always looking for new destinations. This is why. I wanna learn about the mentality of people. I am like…”

Now the quality of the talk is way better and only by using some little tweaks.
You give her more opportunities to link to and don’t reject everything, you relate it back to her.

21. Qualification – Take away the opportunities to qualify

If you did everything right, and the talks are not only surface anymore if might happen she wants to qualify now. Let it happen. Don’t take the opportunities away.

22. Distinguishing the little Flame

It might also happen that she tries to say something and you talk and talk and talk. She wants to interrupt you and is just too polite or too shy to do it. This might happen to men that always talk a lot and fast. But you won’t let her. She might find intriguing what you say. And you keep on talking with the same speed and energy. Make pauses. Stop talking sometimes. Be aware if she wants to talk as well. Be attentive.

23. Telling her you didn’t think that you got that right

You notice now how the talk is moving deeper. It works! This is so amazing and suddenly you blurt out:

“Oh, I didn’t think it works so perfectly now.”

Don’t say that. It’s like you would want her to notice that can do it.
If it isn’t a situation where you are actually practicing your skills on connecting deeply, don’t say that.
It won’t be good to say that. Just enjoy that you got it there.
Smile for example, instead of saying it.
And if she asks you why you are smiling you can even tell:

“I just enjoy our talk.”

Because it doesn’t happen so often or is very comfortable.

24. Sticky

Sometimes there are topics we don’t know much or anything about.
We don’t know the related keywords or expressions or words. And our mind loves to stick to those words.

“You know I made a virgula and then Balance Toupé and then we both collapsed on the floor because I mixed up my feet. The floor was just too slippery. THAT was yet the most embarrassing moment in my dancing career.”

Sure it’s about dancing. At least we will know when we have read the whole passage.
But what’s a Virgula? Or a Balance…what? What’s the name of the thing again? I forgot. Never heard before. Only some. Sure. Some of you even dance Kizomba.
Sometimes it happens to me too: My mind wants to know, what is that?

“Hmmmmm, Virgula sounds a little bit like Virgin, Virginia. But what is this all about, about a virgin or something?”

And while I am still thinking she was continuously talking and I don’t know what I missed.

25. Yeah yeah I know, but I just forgot how to explain that at the moment

Men. And women. In that case both genders. If you’re reading this, if you don’t understand something, just say it. I encourage you to do this.

Konfuzius said:

Admitting that you do not know something is knowledge!

26. Hmm… Mexico or Brazil or, no, but Maldives or…. wandering thoughts!

Sometimes also this might happen:

You’re having a deep talk and suddenly your mind wanders off. You smell some delicious food, through your nose, this good smell, and your soul and your belly are filled with hope:
Food! And the world will be bright again because the black hole in your stomach will disappear again after a while and it stops sucking the sunlight into it. Depending on how long your attention span is, your mood, or your energy, it just might happen occasionally.

Just tell about it:

“Sorry, I didn’t listen for a moment. I think it’s very interesting what we’re talking about , but my mind was wandering off. Sorry. Can You please tell again? I just wanna hear it.”

This is now of course not a carte blanche to be inattentive during a conversation, but it can happen and then you can mention it and apologize. We’re all human. We make mistakes. That’s normal.

27. Facts

This point is not really a pitfall. You can’t really fall into it.
But I want to highlight from many possible angles what you can do to get a conversation going.
You might even do everything I tell here right. And still, some people won’t tell you much.

What’s the solution to that?

It’s very counterintuitive: Tell facts.
She doesn’t want to leave, she seems to be well. Comfortable. But she doesn’t really open up.
Now you can simply state facts. If she’s from another country you might tell about facts or rumors
you’ve heard.

If she might be Mexican for example:

“I heard Karina in Mexico can call me ‘Novio’ when I got to know her father and he tells me he’s ok with that. Is it really like that?”

28. „Close the gap“

We had that before. But here’s a little bit a different way to close the gap.

If you’re always hearing:

“Very good, Dr. Freud”
“Are you a psychologist?”
“Are you into studying human behavior?”
“Are you always trying to do this?”
“You are such a great observer.”

(Always going along with some irony normally)

And everything that might be similar. What does this mean?
This is a sign you might be rushing like told before.
Or you haven’t been subtle enough.
On one side making a long statement should be good, but without enough context, it’s not.
You have to find the balance. It won’t work like this. You have to close the gap.
You should have been talked some sentences until you do this normally.
You should have been talking about some sentences surface level to have some context.
Just imagine someone approaches you and says:

Her: “Hey, how are you?”
You: “Good, and what about you?”
Her: “I guess you’re a very polite man, but sometimes very impatient, what your friends don’t like about you. And you’re very creative at your job and you make unusual suggestions, that first has been rejected. But somehow you learned to include them. You just did it and didn’t ask anymore.”

I would question myself: “How can she now?” after a simple “Hey, how are you?”

This doesn’t work. It’s fake. Very phony.
But if you have a hook you might still make it work:
For example, you talk to her about a chain or another highlight you perceive and make an assumption based on that, and relate it back to her.

Here again the headlines from this articles as a summary again for a quicker lookup:

1. The Wrong Mindset – pushing her to do something
2. It feels strange and this is why…
3. Uncalibrated rushing
4. Intimacy
5. Friendzone
6. Vague Statements
7. Snatching the Theme
8. Superficial Connection
“Matrix, but only part 1, the other ones of the trilogy I don’t like.”
9. Rejection
10. Judging her believes
11. Wrong Mentality – Perception
12. Feigning Interest
13. Repeating everything she says
14. Wrong energy or velocity
15. Emotional Dead End
16. Wrong Tonality – Story Telling
17. Interrupting her thoughts
18. Superficial Commonalities
19. Connecting incorrectly
20. Interview with pressure. Yeah, Baby!
21. Qualification – Take away the opportunities to qualify
22. Distinguishing the little Flame
23. Telling her you didn’t think that you got that right
24. Sticky
25. Yeah yeah I know, but I just forgot how to explain that at the moment
26. Hmm… Mexico or Brazil or, no, but Maldives or…. wandering thoughts!
27. Facts
28. „Close the gap“

A Deep Connection – What is it?

14:29/0 Comments/in Allgemein, Article, ENGLISH/by Holger

You feel it.

You will feel it when it is there.
You can see it if you see this loving couple walking by.
You know it’s there.

Do you always need to establish a Deep Connection consciously?

No, you can just feel it. It might just happen, too.
You might feel it when you’re hugging someone or in a
dance position of a sensual dance like Kizomba.
It might happen through music.
There are a lot of things that can establish it.

Does a Deep Connection always need words?

Of course not.
If you’ve once felt it you will be always able to recognize it.
It’s something you can’t really describe in a sense of what it is.
But you definitely it’s possible describing how to establish it.
Basically, it’s something everyone is craving. We just might not be aware of it.
We like to have a deep connection with someone.
And it feels great.
Normally women are the ones who wish to have this connection with their male partners.
And many of us men are too scared or don’t even know how to.
If we’re not already in a relationship.

Men’s side

We fear that we

… will be stuck in the friend zone if trying to establish a connection.
… feel strange doing this.
… think we don’t need this.
… don’t want a relationship.
… don’t want to be her emotional tampon.
… getting too intimate

It doesn’t matter if this really makes sense. This is what we as men might fear because we don’t know what that “deep connection”-thingy really is.

Can men recognize it?
If we learn how sure we can.
But normally we’re often not aware of it.

Women’s side

Women are normally very aware of a connection.

Women might fear to be

… hurt again, after having had a relationship with a deep connection.
… rejected, because men are unaware of what women offer
… judged, especially for their negative beliefs
… not understood
… pushed into a connection too fast

At least a deep connection is sharing many things together other people wouldn’t know about.
Because they are just perceiving the person at the surface.
This can be very private thoughts, fears or values, or even believes.
These can be stories or challenges.
And it can be things you can’t really describe like feelings in general that a couple might share.

Did you ever have a deep connection with someone?
How would you describe it?

Write your story in the comment field below.

I am curious to read your story.

And if you want to know more, just continue here: Why an Emotional Connection?

How can I connect on a deeper level, even if I don’t know what to talk about?

14:28/0 Comments/in Allgemein, Article, ENGLISH/by Holger

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I will give you some tips here that should make it a lot easier about how to do that.
I often have the impression recently that listening is a lost art now.
Is it really? What do you think? Just write a comment below if you like this article.

But on the other side, we all know how it feels if there is something deep, engaging below the surface. And if you had that you will always remember it, no doubt.
Like your first kiss when you were really in love.
Maybe it’s not even a lost art. It is just hiding. Below the surface. Because we are too distracted by all the influences around us. Too many things happen at the same time and we’re busy, so maybe we just don’t pay close attention to small subtle things anymore or don’t learn that anymore.

You know that feeling when the environment is only a blur around the two of you when you’re really engaged in this deep conversation. And no, I am not talking about a highly political, highly religious, or philosophical talk. Not at all. That’s not a deep conversation. Not that angle I’d like to point out here.

I’m really burning about that topic and can talk about that for hours. So I even have used the topic about how a deeply emotional conversation works to establish a connection which I had even one experience where someone was telling me:

“Oh wow, I feel really good now. I guess… that’s the chemistry between us, right?” and then this person blushed a little bit, because what was going on?

It makes me proud if I notice I can create that bubble that will make the world appear like for some moments only the two of us still exist. No matter what happens around us.
When you connect below the surface layer you’re about to build a real relationship. No matter the circumstances.
Sure, you might also have experienced creating a deep bond by having survived adventures with another person.
Here are some easy tips that you can apply immediately to increase your chances to make a long-term impact on other people:

1. Eye contact

Really lock eye-contact, but with a relaxed look, important is not to try to change HOW you look at them. Change your being, how you feel inside. And then pay attention to what happens to your eyes and your facial expression.

2. Don’t filter – be real

If you feel a smile or a laugh coming, let it out. Be non-filtering. Just real. Communicate that you are really listening to what they are telling.

3. Listen actively

Listen actively. Pay full attention. No distraction. Which is: Don’t look around. Don’t check your phone. Be laser-focused here. Nothing else. Your attention is only directed to this person.

4. Don’t interrupt.

This is really one of the most important points in my opinion.

Don’t talk over them. And don’t stop them talking. Let them talk. This is especially important at the beginning of communication with new people. Don’t distinguish that little flame.

Because many times you will even make the other person talk very soon and trying to engage in the conversation. But prevent them from really be able to do this, because you just talk and talk and don’t pay attention if they want to contribute to the conversation.

If you make them think because you asked something very interesting and there is a silence, DON’T interrupt that silence ever again. Make it not an awkward silence. Own that silence. Enjoy that you made your conversational partner think.

Don’t think:

“Oh my God. The conversation is fizzling out.”

Don’t interrupt them. Let the other person keep talking, even if you want to stop them.
And if your conversational partner is already talking, don’t stop.

If you interrupt people too often, they will expect it and they may stop communicating. And maybe they don’t wanna talk to you ever again.

5. Keep it about them,

Keep it at a personal level. If you get to very intimate points about your conversation partner don’t be shy. It’s not bad. No. It’s good.

6. Don’t yawn.

But normally you wouldn’t have the urge to yawn. Because steering a talk to a deeper emotional conversation is always energizing and feels great. It should never be depleting because if so, you might be doing something wrong.

7. Be open.

Don’t reject what they offer and be open and show sincere genuine real interest.
Also one of the most important points here. For example, if they like politics and live for it and you hate it, don’t just say:

“Oh my gosh, I hate politics. I had some bad experiences, let’s talk about something else.”

Take what they offer and find out WHY they like it. You can still say you hate it and show you’re intrigued and asking about where their passion comes from to be so into that topic.

8. Summarize what you’ve heard

especially when you are about to change the topic.

You might say for example:

“I’d like to tell you something else. And before I change the topic Did I get that right, you were born in Wyoming and it was boring to live there until you tried to build your own company? I only met very few people in my life that are so creative.”

She nods.

“Wow. Let’s talk more about that later. Because what I had in mind is…”

It shows that you really did listen.

9. Remember little details even

Me: “Hey, Martha, nice to see you again. How is Your brother, Alex?”
Her: “How do you know my brother’s name?!”
Me: “You know last time you told me your brother is always mistaken for being Russian because he has a name that is common in several countries, especially in Russia, too. So I assumed it could be Alex.”
Her: “Wow. It’s amazing how thoroughly you listened.”

People will tell you that you are a very good listener, conversation partner AND if you want: a good man, husband, boyfriend, or friend.

10. Continue where you stopped

If you happen to meet someone again you had a good connection to, you don’t necessarily want to start over to go deep again. You can assume AND know for sure that there is already depth in your friendship or relationship and just continue talking at that level.
People will respect that very much and you will stand out.

So what this does all mean? Which impact does it create?

This Space is Created From Two Sides:

And Suddenly You Can Let Go and Relax

This is how to get closer:

Meditate.

Get out of Your Head to be Present

Get Rid of all thoughts and possibly judging Images occurring when encountering someone you might not feel attracted to.

See behind her Looks.

Collect the Courage to Rip off her Mask.

Find out what she’s all about.

Find out why she’s doing this.

Ask about Dreams, Goals, Wishes, Visions, and Childhood or the relationship with her parents.

Make a conscious decision that you’d like to build a deep connection with her.

Be genuine and open.

If she’s asking: “What kind of person are you?”

Approve Your Conversational Partner.

Pay Her a Compliment That Includes WHY.

Validate Her.

Be Easy to Talk To.

First Seek to Understand Then to Be Understood:

Share your opinion if possible.

Stay Focused, Don’t Just Change the Topic.

Don’t Keep It Superficial.

Do not ask questions to dig but to find out about her personality.

Do Not Rely On All Public Information About How to Build a Deep Emotional Connection.

Let Her Finish.

If she obviously is thinking, do not interrupt her.

Match The Energy.

If you are not talking right now, you can also match her breathing.

If She’s Sharing Something Very Intimate, reveal something very intimate of yourself.

Be Interested. Not Interesting.

What to do if you do not know how to show genuine interest:

Relate Back to Her

If 2 or More Persons are Talking to You Right Now.

Do not refuse what she reveals to you, but always gratefully accept it without exception.

Listen Actively.

When Talking to Her Use her Name.

If you do not understand what she’s sharing, just ask.

Don’t look away.

Come from a place where you want to be sharing.

If she’s entering your private space, just smile!

Do not try to reinterpret her life experiences.

Be fully present and give her your full attention

Tell her, what you can derive, from what she’s giving to you.

Talk to Her About Her.

Let Her Tell First. Also From the Very Start.

Try to see others as they are. Unfiltered.

Be respectful.

Be tactful.

Be aware of your sub communication.

Don’t judge or evaluate her.

Be understanding.

Make Statements About Her.

Avoid Small talk.

Connect on an emotional level.

Make big talk, as Kalina Silverman says in her Ted Talk.

Ask Questions that Are Determined to Go Deep.

Even better: Make Statements about her.

Don’t focus on results, just enjoy being together and the conversation.

Try to listen. NOT to solve her problems. You are not her psychologist or psychotherapist.

Do You still think it’s weird to say such things as suggested here? Get over it! Just try.

Enjoy your time together.

If you’re still not on your own and the conversation gets more intimate…

Be curious about her inner world. You don’t just want to know if she loves freedom,

If you don’t know how to go deeper yet, steal one of those 3 questions:

Listen with your heart.

Show real compassion.

Show: You are not rejecting any part of her during this intimate moment.

Be loyal and trustworthy.

Provide her with a safe place for her feelings, her person, and her motivations or inspirations.

Find her core beliefs.

Pay attention to how she expresses things.

Don’t misuse what you’re learning here.

If you get reactive, just say sorry, I just totally reacted. That was not on purpose.

Avoid saying something that communicates directly or indirectly: Oh, this emotional connection stuff really works.

Do not reject her opinion on something. Instead, try to understand and accept.

Be aware that a conversation about religion, politics, philosophy, science is not necessarily an indicator of a deep emotional connection.

When the conversation becomes superficial again, you bring it back down.

Try to feel what the other person is feeling.

Be prepared, if you’re mentioning something along the lines like:

Avoid saying something that communicates directly or indirectly:
Oh, this emotional connection stuff really works.